This he said to me.

Or rather what I said to him last night on the phone.

Was it another mistake?

It seems like I'm doing everything right, going along the correct path for everything else in my life, except for this, for him.

What I said only attached me closer to him when I should be focusing on disattaching myself because my nature boy is gone.

If that is my mistake, and I am going to continue making these mistakes.

Then, at this point all I can say is so be it.

is it stupid

that I wore my hair today like he likes it, in a million tiny curls at the edges? Wore it and that summer dress he loved and that confused him for most of the day?

is it stupid that I wore my hair like that and every time I passed a mirror I thought, if he was here he would loved this. Just adore it because he couldn't stop playing with my hair and keep himself from kissing my hair, my forehead, and I hate that I wore it like this today and I hate that I have to remind myself that he's not here.

I feel his absence and i need to get used to that and go back to being just me.

Just Let it sink in, it's all over me.

I want to run away.

It just hurts. I'm numb. Dead. Inside. And I know better than anyone that I shouldn't be feeling this way. I didn't think it was possible to feel this way again but the familiar numbness is back and everything that is coming at me, it's just coming at me waterdown because I'm not getting it.

I don't get the point of anything at this moment. My mom tells me stories, chatting, gossip, Sammie trying to teach me to fingerboard, my friends telling me of their days, and somehow it doesn't come through.

"Oh, that's nice."

"Oh that's sweet."

"Well that's good."

"Yeah. Cool."

And I'm hoping that they will believe my disinterest. Even my library job, such wonderful opportunity I got, finally going to dip my toes into my field, been waiting on this for years. And it brought me just momentary excitement. Maybe because I know that it was in due time coming to me that I expected it. But I expected to be radiant about it. It happened so quickly, as apparently everything else does with me these days.

And so did he. Too quickly and yet he's still here even though he's gone. And I'm afraid, scare really because even though I only knew him for such a short time, I know him on some levels. Know what type of guy he is and how girls get attached to that very very easily.

Like I did. I just looked at his facebook, which I shouldn't do. And I saw that two of his ex's just said hi to him and it hurts because I want him to myself.

And it just makes me realized how stupid I'm being. How selfish I can be.
How I want him and then don't. How I claim to be non jealous and usually am because I've learned to let go of that for the most part. I had to in the past but with him, I see them and I can't understand why he would pay attention to me. Why did he pick me?

I just want him right now. I don't know anymore. I know I shouldn't be wanting him. I know I should start dis-attaching myself. Start letting him go because it'll only hurt more in the end but I don't want to. It hurts just thinking of myself that way. Thinking of not replying back. of sending him back a cold letter saying goodbye. Faking non interest to hurt him, to make sure he goes away for his own good. I can't picture myself becoming distant and yet I should. I know I should. There are so many things I should do. My books, writing, editing, querying. My readings, summer readings. Studying for my permits. Researching grad schools and setting up my fall schedule already for this semester, as well as taking care of my book-club, friends, birthdays. so much to do and yet I can't concentrate because I don't care. I really don't care. I just want him to come back to me. Just to hold me again. Hold my hand, squeeze it like he meant never to let go but I know. I know. I should but I don't. I can't express myself, I don't care. I just keep hearing those same lyrics echo...

"If I'm strong enough, I will give you up. And If I stay away, you'll find the girl who'll make you great. A girl more like you..."

I just hope I'll hold a special place with the rest of them. But I doubt.

I really doubt.

I'll just be another girl saved in his photos even though I really tried to avoid taking pictures of us together because I know how short a time 'us' are supposed to be. I took one picture of me and him and you can't even tell it's us that much since it's so dark but I can't deny the fact that I stare at it and wonder how it could be that me and him actually happened to become an us.

I need to let go of that.

It has to be just me being me and him being him, now that he's gone.

He's gone. I can't. I can't I can't I can't allow myself to dream.

It just hurts. And now he's not calling me. And I need to take that in as my reality. That he isn't and he won't. And I will resist the urge, no matter how great to pick up the phone and say hello.

How the hell did this happen?!?!?! It was only two/three weeks. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

Oh I know how this happened.

He held my hand.

:(

What I need

I'm everywhere at this moment.

All I really know for sure right now is that it's affecting me more than I thought it would.

I tried to play it off cool

as being relieved.

as just wanting to get laid.

as just being friends.

as just another cool person.

As anything else but for how i really felt.

And I don't understand.

How it happened.

How I can be singing again sad songs and taking comfort in their truths because it applies to me.

How I can feel so stupid for being so stupid and allowing myself to fall when I told myself I wouldn't. But then he came along.

Stupid. Just stupid. falling for someone like this. And I know I'm going to be singing more songs softly to myself as the days come along in hope of comfort and remembering and hoping that I'll forget because I know that he will. And I have to prepare myself for that. Because as much as I want to believe him.

I can't. I won't remind him either of me.

I don't want to remind him.

I don't want this hope. This hope which only hurts.

-_- it hurts.

Will he hold your tiny face in your hands?

I keep trying to write and it's not coming out.

I want to write about him.

Want to be able to express what I feel in words.

And I can't.

And I know why I can't.

It's because I can't let go.

I don't want to let go.

I don't want to say goodbye.

Not yet. And I really don't have to. But I know. I know what I should do. For my own damn good. But I don't care if it's for my own good or not. I just want. want want want. Want time to be kinder. Want to steal time. Want to really get to know him before I let go. I am not ready to let go and yet I have to be. C'est la vie and I can't do anything about it. BUT

To answer my title question, yes he did.

He held my face in his hands. Many, many times, countless times. Just such vibrant memories of it, of him doing it. And knowing that is all I'll have now.

Just memories, turning bittersweet in time as the pain kicks in.

It was crazy. Insanely different, fast, just wow. Took my breath away. I didn't realized how it could be.

But it just was. It was just being.

Being me. Being him. Being together.

And now we will just be. Be us. Be apart. Back to being not together. Back to him being just him. And I'll just be me. It'll be just me.

but like the song lyric echoes in my mind, "yeah you're better off for leaving. You're better off for leaving..."

It's my mantra. What I keep telling myself. That he is better off for leaving. Not because I want him to but he is. He'll be a better person without me, he'll be able to find that person meant just for him. I would have ruined it anyway. It's better this way.

And if it's not one song, it's another which haunts me. Acoustic version of it right now, I can't stand the angry original one right now.

"If I'm strong enough, I will give you up, and if I stay away, you'll find the girl who'll make you great. A girl who will make you great. A girl more like you."

Who won't be me.

"So why did you have to go and pick me when you knew we were different completely?"

It just all comes back full circle, doesn't it?

I need

to write about him. My lover. My summerboy. My... 2nd boyfriend. Soon to be ex boyfriend by mutual agreement.

It wasn't for long, not long at all but these past few weeks have felt like I could have been months with him. Such intensity that mixed with our passion and concentration of each other and our temporary serious relationships has me into a whirlwind. BUT

I can't write about this now. Not because it's not the time. I should be.

But because I don't have time for it >_>

BOO.

& I really need to write about him.

But if I do then I might miss you, babe.

unexpectedly found myself wanting to lose the game.