I want to run away.

It just hurts. I'm numb. Dead. Inside. And I know better than anyone that I shouldn't be feeling this way. I didn't think it was possible to feel this way again but the familiar numbness is back and everything that is coming at me, it's just coming at me waterdown because I'm not getting it.

I don't get the point of anything at this moment. My mom tells me stories, chatting, gossip, Sammie trying to teach me to fingerboard, my friends telling me of their days, and somehow it doesn't come through.

"Oh, that's nice."

"Oh that's sweet."

"Well that's good."

"Yeah. Cool."

And I'm hoping that they will believe my disinterest. Even my library job, such wonderful opportunity I got, finally going to dip my toes into my field, been waiting on this for years. And it brought me just momentary excitement. Maybe because I know that it was in due time coming to me that I expected it. But I expected to be radiant about it. It happened so quickly, as apparently everything else does with me these days.

And so did he. Too quickly and yet he's still here even though he's gone. And I'm afraid, scare really because even though I only knew him for such a short time, I know him on some levels. Know what type of guy he is and how girls get attached to that very very easily.

Like I did. I just looked at his facebook, which I shouldn't do. And I saw that two of his ex's just said hi to him and it hurts because I want him to myself.

And it just makes me realized how stupid I'm being. How selfish I can be.
How I want him and then don't. How I claim to be non jealous and usually am because I've learned to let go of that for the most part. I had to in the past but with him, I see them and I can't understand why he would pay attention to me. Why did he pick me?

I just want him right now. I don't know anymore. I know I shouldn't be wanting him. I know I should start dis-attaching myself. Start letting him go because it'll only hurt more in the end but I don't want to. It hurts just thinking of myself that way. Thinking of not replying back. of sending him back a cold letter saying goodbye. Faking non interest to hurt him, to make sure he goes away for his own good. I can't picture myself becoming distant and yet I should. I know I should. There are so many things I should do. My books, writing, editing, querying. My readings, summer readings. Studying for my permits. Researching grad schools and setting up my fall schedule already for this semester, as well as taking care of my book-club, friends, birthdays. so much to do and yet I can't concentrate because I don't care. I really don't care. I just want him to come back to me. Just to hold me again. Hold my hand, squeeze it like he meant never to let go but I know. I know. I should but I don't. I can't express myself, I don't care. I just keep hearing those same lyrics echo...

"If I'm strong enough, I will give you up. And If I stay away, you'll find the girl who'll make you great. A girl more like you..."

I just hope I'll hold a special place with the rest of them. But I doubt.

I really doubt.

I'll just be another girl saved in his photos even though I really tried to avoid taking pictures of us together because I know how short a time 'us' are supposed to be. I took one picture of me and him and you can't even tell it's us that much since it's so dark but I can't deny the fact that I stare at it and wonder how it could be that me and him actually happened to become an us.

I need to let go of that.

It has to be just me being me and him being him, now that he's gone.

He's gone. I can't. I can't I can't I can't allow myself to dream.

It just hurts. And now he's not calling me. And I need to take that in as my reality. That he isn't and he won't. And I will resist the urge, no matter how great to pick up the phone and say hello.

How the hell did this happen?!?!?! It was only two/three weeks. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

Oh I know how this happened.

He held my hand.

:(