Awake

His text hit me like a book to the head. It was a wake up call to my sleeping state.

He didn't say anything beyond YOU. Have got to stop sleeping at 3 am, and I know he meant it because he knows my schedule, and he knows how tired I am because of how much I work but but BUT I took it like a slap to the head. I am getting sloppy, and in my tight schedule, I can't afford fuckups.

No more sleeping at 3 am and if I do, it's because I finished everything or am working on my books.

No more sleeping at 3 am for other reasons, like staying up to talk to a guy I really like but won't tell.

Or staying up and talking bullshit with my friends.

No more 3 am.

No more fucking up.

I am cleaning up now.

and I have to go.

Blame it on the night.

This and my previous blog, mostly my previous blog are to blame on my dream.

Because in my dream, I was loved and treated I'm supposed to be treated and he was holding me. Holding me so tight as we slept together, going to the market with my mom, his mom, both our parents approving. Us walking, reaching for my hand.

He was holding me as we went to sleep after messing around but not having sex because we hadn't had sex because we didn't think it was important to rush it. Because we were happy just having to be in each other's arms as we slept.

And this happened before and it never fails to fuck me up. Because when I awake, I find myself waking up alone. Him gone, and the reality that I have no one who will hold me that way or the potential. And I find all my pillows surrounding me like a body behind me. I think that's why I dream of someone holding me, because somehow during the night, I am cradled by my pillows and dream of strong arms around me when I sleep to keep me happy.

And I wake to find none. It breaks my heart and I dreamt dreams like these before.

And every single time, there's nothing to do but wake up and live my life. With a guy or no guy present. I will be happy, damnit. I will be happy just being me, being selfish and will explore every adventure, and take every step.

I will not let myself become bitter, even more bitter than I am. I refused to be crushed. to be heartbroken. I refused to live a life of misery just because I can't find him, and he won't find me. And as for girls, I just want to play with them, because I don't know if I'll be able to love them. I know there is no difference. Guy or girl, but I just know I'm not ready to come out as bi to parents until I am dependent. I just know that one day I will, and today is not that day.

Today I refused to be unhappy and beaten down by this shit. By this and anything else. I am going to be happy. I am going to go after my dreams, companion or not.

I will break all the rules, and just say fuck it to the game because I play by my own rules.

Back on track.

They can't stop me.

No matter what fate throws at me. I refused to be stopped.
I refused to be beaten down and waking up every morning, feeling hate, feeling self-pity, feeling anything but awesome at who I am. I have worked too damn hard at the person I am today in order to be reduced to being the person I was before, damnit. I refused to lead any life that I am not happy living. I don't care if I have work even more. I will do it. I will achieve my goals. I will let nothing stop me. A few bumps in the road, a few traces of the past coming along, a sense of security being shifted, will not stop me.

I will work my ass off and get my damn phone back, even if I have to pay full price. I will work my ass off and get my permit, and get my licence before the year is out. I will get the classes I need, opened or not. I will keep up exercising, including upper body workouts because this is what I need to start getting in shape, not only for myself, but for my goals of riding, both motorcycles and bicycles, and mastering how to do 4 inch heels, as well as having full confidence in myself when I aim for those guys and girls who are a league above myself with their peak physical bodies and chiseled faces out of a wet dream. I will go after them, even more than I do right now because of the fact that I deserve the best of the best, including hooksups. I will do this, damnit. I will finish my goddamn book, no matter how much it hurts me, reminds me, I am so close. 40 more odd pages and I am done with it. I will finish and I will start pitching, I will actually give my all to getting it published and if it doesn't happen, I will spend the rest of my life doing it till I am a writer. I will re-start planning for grad school. This summer is my summer now. Summer, I am reclaiming you and taking you back from fate! Fate can just watch me because she hasn't seen anything yet.

I am 23 years old, it's time for this to be my summer, no matter how much it burned and turn to ashes. I will rise up and make it my summer, whatever is left of it. Weeks left till school comes in, and I got to get ready.

I will become the person I already am, again, and even better. My summer. My life. Mine. I will do this because I know myself and I know my potential. My potential is endless. Summer better be ready, because I am going to rape these last days with my ambitions. Here I come.

Prompt

This post was partly prompted by Mikko's own post of charm.

How he wrote that some people have it and others don't. Simple to it, nothing more.

I don't know why he wrote that post but I have an inkling. But either way it made me think, made me reflect, made me analyzed. I may be a copycat in some ways but sometimes it's just my own way of trying to share my side of the story.

Charm. Such a small one syllable word. A word when used in describing someone tells alot about them.

I have been described by this word, many times. But only in recent years.

I have blossomed into a person, a personality, a perspective that I yearned for when I was younger, in my middle school years. When I was 11,12,13, 14. My most awkward years when I was painfully aware of just what type of person was I. Charming wasn't it.

I dreamed of a better self in those days. Dream of myself as being a charming beautiful woman who everyone adored, who everyone wanted, who everyone thought she was just the bee's knees. Always on the go, always having fun, always lovely, her social calendar full and yet she still made time for people.

I think I have accomplished that. To a point. I know there are other aspects I have to improve on myself to become that ultimate dream of myself as a person since I was young but I won't fully be able to be that person till I am independent. But right now, I am as closest I will be to that person, personality wise, while still being dependent. (Physically, I need to keep working but that's on hold till I feel 100% healthy)

I think I have accomplished that because of the fact that my social awkwardness. Well, it's gone. Nearly. I realized that I will never be that girl who sat alone at lunch anymore. That I will not be that girl who takes herself to the movies or to eat with only her book for company. I do not have to do that. Unless I want it to be that way.

Because now I will always have no end of friends to join me. All I have to say is I want to go here, who's coming and look there's one, two, three, hell sometimes as many as four or five people coming along. And sometimes I know there would be more if our schedules were all so delicious free.

I became that type of girl that I was so jealous of in High school & middle school. That type of girl who made making friends look so easily. Who was always so loud, so overly energetic, so awesome, so perfect.

I am not perfect. I never will be. But in ever other aspect I have become that girl. Too loud, too much energy, too easily befriending people.

I didn't realized that I had become this person but I still remember what it was like to not be this person.

To sit by myself at lunch and not by choice. To crave that whoever would just talk to me.

I sit back and look at myself and just shake my head in amazement at the fact that I do have quite a social circle, even though I say I do not. But it's not a lie anymore. I do have friends who care about me. Who keep me company, no matter how sick or lonely I feel and who I try to take care of to the best of my abilities.

And now I think I just made a new one. Sure it's a guy. It's always a guy with me is what I find these days.

But I think that it's not going to be romantic or sexual. I admit to the fact that he did ask me out. Despite the beliefs of my friends who say he likes me in that way. I doubt. I really doubt and trying to see things truthfully. Looking at it from my side, I see him as someone who could teach me how to ride...A motorcycle that is. But also as a new friend because he isn't from around here and that sucks, being the new kid. Not knowing anyone, not hanging out with anyone. But it's the beauty of it too. Making those new connections. New friends.

Finding out life and what's the city is all about and the people in it. Welcoming the
experience and leaving the place a different person, a different mindset. With the ability to see oneself's potential and direction much more clearly in life. Which is why I love traveling.

So despite whatever my friend's tongues have to wag and wager upon that he likes me in that way, I will not believe it till it is confirmed from him but I will also not delude myself into putting expectations. I will have a friend, a friend new to town, a friend who happens to be a rider,and kind to me but that's it. Que sera sera.

And in the meantime I will concentrate on my goals and ambitions. On being the best person that I can be. Relationship or not, I will define my life and live it the way that makes me happiest and in the manner of living out and being the best person who I can be.

there's something about

the sweet roar of a motorcycle engine when it is being rev up that just makes my heart race and my head turn so quick that as I strain to locate the sound.

I don't understand it but I don't question this attraction to it that just makes me get up out of my seat and get going.

It's crazy. And I love it.

Is this another way to self actualized?

I don't know. But I can't deny it any more. It's not like I have to be born liking something in order for me to like it. So yes, it's a new infatuation. One I've denied because of the remaining shreds of traditionalism I've had.

But now, all I want to do is fly. Nothing is going to stop me. Especially not myself. Not going to happen tomorrow. Or a week from now. But one day, I will, and in the meantime I will take that motivation and put it to use, and do things my way. Happiness comes whichever way :)