Echoes

Why do I miss him?

Why is that sometimes I'm at a certain place, eating something, looking at something for me, to explore as a person, to shop, to experience, enjoying myself & suddenly out of nowhere, I get this thought like a tiny bomb went off in my fucking head.

"He would love that song like I do & would enjoy it throughly in the car with me."

"He would have made him silly sick with this food I just ate."

"He would have love what I just did."

>_>

It's over. I've move on to a point I think, & yet he still lingers. Will he always linger? Or will he just fade into the background once I find a relationship & not a hookup. I'm glad for the experience of what he put me through, I appreciate that I knew what was a relationship. I don't regret any of our time together, the good & the bad. He helped me realized what to do, or not to do anymore when it comes to relationships & after it, I just realized that the person i was with him was no one compare to the person I am now.

He'll always be my first boyfriend, my first love, but beyond that I wish that any yearning for him would just go away. I don't want to miss him anymore. I know that I don't need to, that I'm beyond that. I believe it's just that connection that I made. The fact that I really thought he was my forever & was dead set upon it. The fact that I would be one of the few lucky girls to be able to say that my first boyfriend was it for me, that I didn't date. That I love him so much that he decided to make me his wife. My dreams changed to fit the idea of a life we would build together.

I had a hope on the bottom of my soul that one day, you would stay with me.

What can I say? Things changed, even though I didn't want to but it's over, & there's nothing left for me to do but to either live with it & myself or go out & make a new beginning. It takes all of my courage to put down the sexuality & honestly try to make that connection with another. I'm trying, I'm really trying now, I'm not ruling it out anymore. & I think if a certain guy here or one living in another city would look at me as beyond a friend, beyond what I can offer, would look at me romantically, then I know how much they would make me smile, they already do. With their text messages & surprise, I even got a call yesterday & my heart leaped out with a giddyness that can only be called heavily crushing on someone.

But that was yesterday, & at the rate I'm burning through guys, I can only trust the fact that as far as guys go, they'll be a new one I'm talking to next week. & that's okay.

But one day, one day I want to get up from the bed, the floor, the chair, the counter, wherever I end up having sex with the guy, & know that it wasn't just for sex.

That one day, I will actually again experience that feeling you get with sleeping with someone who has your heart, not just your body.

That maybe, one day. I will be able to sing softly to myself as I get dressed & he is off in the bathroom somewhere getting cleaned up. Sing softly a song of love, of hope, of falling in love, of trusting him, of feeling the same.

That I would love to love him.

Destiny is calling me.

Listening to: Mr. Brightside- The Killers, I've just seen a face-The Beatles.

Reading: A scanner darkly- Philip K. Dick.




Truth: I'm scared that it's Just a hookup. And nothing more.

Truth: I'll be okay with that. but not really, and I don't want to get attached and I know I'm overthinking and just let it flow, see where the dice finally land BUT I need to write this out to get it out of my system. To just admit that for once, I don't want it to be just a hookup and I'm scared it is. & it's just going to make me wonder whether I'm just good for hookups but not for dating. There I said it, just a good fuck, nothing else. Is that just going to be me?

I Hope NOT. I really HOPE not, and if it is, if I don't find that person that just meant for me or CP, then I'll know I'll happy and find substitutes for it. Substitutes in my writing, and live out my life to the best without another chance at the big L, and not lust but Love. So I hope and after today, after unbelievable, I saw him, chances of chances on campus, and then ran after him, literally took off and left my best friend calling me a bitch for ditching me (xD I SOWEEE xDDD I love you Mikko, haha) but I just couldn't let it go. i had to go, because i didn't want to live with the regret what if I just let him go, let him walk by. It's that determination that drives me, not towards guys but everything in general, people just don't take opportunities standing still, they go, run, fly after it with their heart and hopes, and I did. & it was nice, beautiful, sweet, rad, cool, nothing out of the ordinary normal conversation between a girl and a guy, two people connecting on a level of knowing something is happening but not knowing what and I was happy to leave it at that, not over think it, over-analyzed and just get his number and he has mine.


And then he called me. Tonight, a few hours ago. And I missed it because I wasn't paying attention to my phone and now I'm just thinking, what does he really want? Why is he calling me??? Hookups don't call. They say they're going to call and they don't. & he didn't say anything but bye after exchanging info and "he keeps calling" (me back again) & is it just a hookup? & if it is, then why do I care so much if it is?
I can't. I shouldn't. I know my boundaries way too well, and the only thing I can do is see what tomorrow brings.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

How could I forget?

How could I have been so stupid? After all these years, after my relationship with fuckface is over, three essentials never changed at all. My books waited for me patiently. I rediscover the hunger I had in wanting to read everything in the world. Now I want to write too, again, want to write with the same passion, the same zest. Want my writing to take over the world. How could I forget how much reading, writing, and him, meant so much to me. Still mean so much to me, after all these years.

Thinking this is how it's out to be.

I miss writing out in my journal. I miss writing it out with a pen, and not typing it in. I wasn't going to write about missing writing longhand in my journal. I was going to write about the very off-week I had, but somehow I forgot about that and remember my journal. How I use to tape things in it. How I use to draw in it. Make it mine, and I went looking for it today. The journal I last wrote it. A damask fabric bound diary with beautiful embroidery, a gift from a coworker long ago for secret santa.
I can't find it. I can't find it. I know I only had a few pages to write in before I ran out but it was still a few pages and now I can't find it. I can't find that. I can't find my little black book where I wrote down my book list of books I wanted to read.

While I was searching I found this other diary that I never wrote in. My uncle gave it to me long long ago, while I was still in high school. The year 2003 is clearly mark in it. I think I'll start writing there. I never wrote in it, well because at that time I had a different diary I was writing in. Better late than never, but I keep hope I'll find both the purple diary and the black book of lists.