Then I'm force to eat my words

& that's life.

Dare I hope?
Dare I want?

Went to sleep last night with suicidal thoughts, how it used to be. How I used to be. Woke up this morning not feeling much different, went online, check my emails, not expecting anything and there it was, a reply, and instead of something small, something fast, something like "k" and being brushed off and forgotten, it was longer and I just realized that I can't give up, can't shut myself in like I used to. & not only that, my friends too, They care, and I dare to think that there might be hope beyond it :)

I'm going to look forward to this new year, this new decade, just like I always have, with hope, and wishes for the better, like everyone else, and I'm going to try, give it my best because if I don't, then it's not worth it. This year, this decade, I'm going to be who I want to be to the best of my efforts. Read more, write more, hug more, kiss more, love my friends, my family, travel more, discover life, and maybe a romance, an actual romance, not just a game. There's always hope with each day, and like the song, I can't stop believing.

Not like it would happen anyway.

It happened. I broke down again. I was having such an awesome break too.

But i feel this ache that won't leave me alone creeping up on me.

It started simply enough, I got out of the shower, felt good about actually getting in a sensible workout and was ready to tackle on some work in my novel, (I'm mostly typing it up, editing, and adding a bit as I go along) and I sat down and I noticed that one of the Sim stories I read recently uploaded a new chapter.

the new chapter was beautiful and I was reading the part about the Christmas party being thrown, the family pulling together in new hopes aside from all of the tragedy and loss they faced over the years and halfway thought I started heaving because I still can't cry tears. I mist up plenty of times, tears on the verge of falling but they never do & it worries me because I know I won't be at peace till I'm able to cry. I didn't even cry at my grandma's funeral. I couldn't. I don't think I said anything the whole day, much beyond nodding and doing things on automatic. What I remember is I was carrying Emmy everywhere. My parents couldn't take care of her, everyone was busy, I had to look out for her & Sammie, & dahlia, no one was watching the kids and I just remember all I could think of was "the kids, the kids, the kids, where are the kids, have they ate? what are they doing, must kept them quiet during the service, the kids... I look back on it & realized I was just using them as a shield to keep from fully grieving, to face the situation.

I kept reading but I kept heaving, remembering. Hating. Wanting. needing, feeling lonely, feeling blue, feeling like it's no used.

So my friend has been pretty tore up about the holidays because her ex promised her forever and it's Christmas and new years and he's not here, and neither is mine. But I haven't let anyone know how in the few minutes of waking up Christmas eve day, before stirring, how my first thought is that there will be no present for me from my sweetheart because he's not here.

I tried so hard to forget. Even read that article why being single for the holidays is a blessing sometimes, tried to have a really good time this year, especially since my family visited and that helped. ALOT. told myself I've had a better Xmas and I did. I really did. But I also know that the reason I got drunk on Christmas was not because I am a light weight but because I was so keen on it. Determine and mission accomplished, I even tossed my cookies in the morning.

How can one year changed everything. A year ago, I would have laugh in someone's face if they told me I would be drunk, drinking on Xmas day, walking the strip @ 3 am. That wasn't me, I would never touch the alcohol, and ciggs? Forget it.

Now I have a pack hidden in my room to smoke them once in awhile. Ms. Social drinker, Ms. social smoker. I shunned it all, never touching it mostly because he didn't. Still doesn't to my knowledge.

Forget about him. I try to everyday, but it's harder in the holidays, just like my friend is going through. & I try to be strong, especially for her, and sometimes I think she's the happier one because she can cry about it and all I have are moments of melancholy and a shuddering heaving that leaves me in despair.

& i think what's the used, especially since this little lady is my right hand woman when it comes to gossip and guys and surprise surprise, since she changed my default, all of a sudden, by mere coincidence, I'm talking to three guys at once.

& I can't tell her, I can't ask her for advice and make stupid jokes and comparisons of their looks, and how good they might be, and whether any of them can wear a hawaiian shirt. I can't do that, not in the way she feels. & that just hurts me, because she's hurting, and I am too and we can't relate.

& these guys, one I've known since 4th grade. Quite a history of off and on again friendship which turn a bit weird last march or april when we both admitted that over the years at one point or another but never simultaneously together, we wonder what it would be like to kiss each other. We stopped talking and experience an off period in our friendship, i think we were both afraid of altering our too many years of friendship so we stopped talking/txting. Which may be weird to others, because we talk and then stopped cold and then pick up months later, like if nothing had happened, and we never fell out of touch. & yesterday we text all day, and today he called me, and the friendship is still there. he's the same person I've known for 13 years or so, but i sense it, and I know he senses it too, the underlying of curiosity to make it more, and our hesitation to do so. I hear it, and ignored it, and he does too even though towards the late night yesterday his texts got a bit flirty and i started flirting right back and stopped, because it was late, my excuse for my fear.

that & I've always wondered, and he's not cute to me. Not in the way some guys are, but I just have to see what tomorrow brings. We may stopped talking anytime for weeks, months, but then we'll just pick up again, but what will be different for both of us when we talk again?

The other guy is Asian. Aside from my gay best friend, i rarely find them Asians attractive. they remind me too much of Hispanics with their shortness and dark tone (not all of them)& we've been texting. & surprise his grandma passed away from cancer too, so we bonded on one level, and I know he'll be a fling because even now I'm not taking him seriously beyond being a friend or a possible distraction. You just know when you want to date someone and when you don't, and despite him being nice and all, I don't think I could date him if that was an option, & i get the feeling he has no plans to settled down anytime soon & neither do I.

The other guy, I was completely on impulse, seeing a suggestion for a friend you might know, and I was like "that's the guy I crush on in high school" (among 80 other so crushes xD) & i emailed him saying I had a crush on him in hs. & he replied it made me smile at the thought of a guy made me smile like I haven't smiled in awhile.

Being ms. snoppy, after replying I looked at his (public) profile & i see all these people I went to high school with, people who I admired for their freedom back then, their diversity, and aspirations in life, their hobbies, I wanted to be just like that. Wanted to be their friend but never said much beyond hi because I was too shy.

Nothing changed. I look at them and realized I don't belong. I can't. The girls are beautiful, small, independent powerhouses who drive. perfect. petite. The guys are handsome, big, strong, just dreamboats, just like back in high school.

I don't belong and if this guy by any chance will see anything he likes in me, I'll give it a chance, hoping, but I know.

I'm hoping but I'm afraid there's no used in hoping because it's dead already. He'll probably email me a few times and forget bout me. It feels like that with me. Hi there, you're a cool chick, bye! & i let myself get used, look forward to it, and then forgotten. I tell myself that CP hasn't forgotten but he's just a dream, a comfort to me in my fantasies.

So i'll be forgotten again, & i'll be okay. I just need to go back to my writing, which is where I will always belong. That much is true, I'll always have my books, and my writing, and my music.

It should have been a clue to how closed I am to breaking down, someone should noticed but they don't. They think it's just a cool song but listening to it for the past two weeks straight, it's personal.

Sometimes really, the only happiness is a warm gun. . & the beatles had it right, about needing the fix, that fix just to get through the day, and most think it's about addiction but it can also be about suicide.

bang bang shoot shoot

Sometimes

You get a phone call and you realized that it's not just about you you you. but that it's about the other person as well. That for all my crying, I'm lucky he didn't come back or else I would end up just like her.

I wish I could make her feel better and make her demon go away and let her be. I can't. All I can do is hear her cry to me over the phone and just listen. Not even put in my two cents because when she calls me like that, it's not what I'm saying, it's just the comfort to her to have me listen. She just wants someone to listen and tell her it's okay. Not someone to judge her. At least I'll always have that. I love her and I HOPE more than I hope for myself for her to be okay.

Dream number whatever.

What a strange dream.

I was leaning against a chipped white railing, and I was smoking a cigarette as casually as it is.

I woke up craving one.

I haven't shared a smoked since last January, almost a full year, with Nessarina in the park. She smoked most of it anyway but still.

I had the chance to smoke a few times after that, I didn't. I threw them away.

But now to dream of smoking one is weird, and to crave one is bad and I've been craving a smoke and a drink for awhile, a few weeks. I'm not going anywhere near them. I don't want to start a habit I can't stop. I think it had to do with kissing hookup #9. He was a smoker and even though I made sure I had gum with me, I could still taste it in his mouth. This might just be it.

I'm not going to dwell on that. I finished clockwork orange and took up Genius of the Sea again since I wasn't able to finish it during the semester. I'm still on page 18 of the WIP. I'm hoping to change that tonight.

The day has been upside down, with its goods and bads. I had a very good exercise romp, just purely driven. I'm going to sore tomorrow. But what fueled that was the hate of what I saw earlier. A mutual friend of mine with the ex posted a picture. they were in it. She was in it. He was in it. I hate myself for looking at it. It was taken three days ago. I realized just what he did to me. It's been a year and I'm still reel by it.

I wanted to break something, I wanted to destroy. I wanted to cut. I wanted to hurt. I exercised. Then took a shower. I came out and realized that my face was swollen.
I had a mild food allergy. Mild being define by breaking out in ugly red splotches and my face swelling up to where I'm unrecognizable. My parents wanted to take me to UMC care when I couldn't breathe through my nose because it was too swollen. I kept repeating to myself control control control. I told them to wait an hour and took two benadrylls and then went to blank out my mind on tv, hoping to relax my body enough to let the meds kick in and not panic. When the movie ended, most of the splotches were gone and I was breathing better through my nose so I told them there was no need. and there wasn't. My eyelids are still swollen but otherwise I'm 85 percent better on that. I'll be fine by tomorrow.

I blank out through two movies I already saw that I liked alot, in between finishing a clockwork orange. I also saw another movie that I never got to finish. A chick flick that I knew wasn't even going to be remotely well done, and just done for the movie. So why did I see it? because sometimes I just need to concentrate on someone's petty dramas aside my own. I haven't seen this much TV in a looooooooong time. I was pretty sick.

Then we got the call about the house. they're not giving it to us. Stupid bank. the foreclosure effect has them running scared. If they weren't going to allow it, they should have told us in the first place instead of wasting all our damn time, and apparently we were preapproved already. Whatever. Let them rot in their fear.

Sounds like a shitty day right? I think it's mostly my anger that lets me get away without busting into the poor old' me's. The best thing of the day was that my dad made bomb ass mash potatoes which I enjoyed very much because I wasn't going anywhere any type of meat (they had crab legs for dinner >_>) in order to provoke even more allergies. That and one of my bestie's woke me up with a text saying Will & grace is back on their time slot. I got to talk to him for a few minutes, even though I was still sleeping.

tomorrow will be better. I will reach page 20. I will go to the library and pick up my books, this time with my library card because today when I went I didn't have it on me >_>

Off days make me yearn to be back in school. Pitiful, not even a week off and I want to go back already, mostly for my friends, but also to feel like I'm doing something.

I hope I go back in spring semester a smaller dress size (or two, but that's wishful thinking) and my WIP fully written and done, and a winter list of a lot of books read.

Hope hope hope.

Woot woot ^_^

WIP: Page 18.

And only a quarter more till I finish A clockwork orange

:D WOOT WOOT.

The only downside: I'm still thinking of that guy. Hookup's # 9 friend.

>_>

Hopefully tomorrow will fade it a bit more.

Some days are harder than others.

I hate my dreams. Truly hate them sometimes.

And I'm back where I was when I was in high school. Bitter with finger nails bitten raw.

Jesus as if I didn't have enough crap to deal with, I'm still waking up with idiot in my dreams >_>

And then I started reading and I was gone. I finished a book. So far so good: 3 days of vacation, 3 books already read. I'm trying to pick up the pace. I need to read alot more before classes resume. I started reading and when I finished that book, I felt that all was right in my world and I knew what I had to do. Just go back to that person I was again. Go back to being the reader and the writer. And not to forget where I'm going and what I'm going to do along the way.

3 books 3 days. and then last night. I made it to page 15, starting from page 12. Really good pace especially because I only spent maybe two hours on it. 3 pages in two hours. Awesome. I just have to remind myself of what really makes me happy. Words.

No more griping. No more bitching. No more emotional turnarounds. I'm saving that for the books.

Just pure focus because I'm going to get there. No matter who or what.

Winter Break reading list:

Glass by Ellen Hopkins

World War Z by Max Brooks

No Time to Wave Goodbye by Jacquelyn Mitchard

A Clorkwork Orange by Anthony Burgess (reading it)

Page count on WIP: 15.

<3 Got to go.

Running

Sometimes you just need one person to take you and give you a good kick in the ass. To remind you of what's important. Someone who knows what it's like

With that being said. I've been blogging way too much and not writing and reading enough.

I'm taking a vacation. Both emotionally and physically.

And what's this? how can one person have the ability to change my mood and flip me upside down.

She made me smile and now I'm procrastinating writing.

But she made me see that I need to let go. Just let go. And "chill" for a bit. Concentrate on what makes me happy and how I need to make her happy through my books. How's she waiting. And she reminded me that sometimes a crush is just a fantasy for the sake of being a fantasy and looking back at and nothing more.

Just breathe and be.

Funny

blogger has become my new facebook.

capturing moods.

Just goes to show you. I went away after my last post for a few hours, just spending time with my family, being the little organizer, reading away, and yet in the back of my mind the rules where there.

The rules and the point of them was to prevent what I fear the most.

Ruling out the dorks just because I could get attached to them. Ha. The problem with rules is that they're rules and who wants to be determine by them for the rest of their lives?

I had a dream, two nights ago. I was in a warm bed, being held by strong arms, intertwine so comfortably, breathing in his smell. It was my stupid ex and he was murmuring to me that he was still sleepy bunny. calling me bunny. I woke up and thought it was real for a splint second when I felt how enveloped I was, how my body just seemed to be held tight. I was in a spoon cocoon that I built out of those massive blankets I use for the winter. The heavy ones that they make in Mexico with the huge flowers on them. I was under two of them and my coverlet. The pillow leaning against my back . Ofcourse I would dream about being held by him because it's the happiest I was ever because I thought he loved me.

It's been a year and I still dream of him. How fuck up is that? I fear that that I will become my cousin. That the only love she had, she threw away and I let mine go. I know I could have had fuckface back. I could have brought him back to me, with enough pleading and grabbing his hair, he would be with me. But he would hate me and I will hate him and any trust gone.

Is this why I dream of Christopher so badly? Because I see him incapable of hurting me? Is this who I will be? A spinster who's greatest love left her bitter before she turned 25.

I'm bitter. jaded. People label me as too happy, ask me if I'm ever sad. They don't know about my blog. They don't know how sometimes I wake up with a bad taste in my mouth. How some songs I still can't sing because they hold too many memories, even though I miss them because they're by my favorite band/singer.

I still have trouble painting my nails. Just because it was a treat for him, how he would delight in my hands, in the color of my nails. How I would call him and ask him, what color bunny? what color? and damn me if he wasn't excited by the time he came to pick me up, asking to see my short stubby little nail bitten hands before even a kiss on the mouth, rather kissing my hand and calling me his amore.

I'm afraid of that. And yet it's what I want.

So much of myself and him went into our relationship. We forgot to be ourselves and in a way it was beautiful. Unhealthy for damn sure, no space between us, but it held an intensity that both us brought along to burn with no limits. Within 3 years, we knew everything about each other, he even had my cycles better calculated than I did. He knew my body and I knew his. What I didn't count on was his mind to burn through me and away. There was no reason but I should have known, with his background, with his present, and no hope for a future, all he had was a thrilling present as much as an adventure as he could make it. Should have known as his first anything and everything that he was going to want others. I allowed him to play, but to always let me know and he still did it behind my back. Had to say goodbye because of that but the truth is he dumped me. He left me. And as the lover spurned, I was left dying, just dying for him to come back. I still don't trust myself like I did before. I still know that if he wanted to come back, I would let him. I'm too weak and it makes me sick. makes me seek out power in any form I can get. Letting me sleep through guys without any attachement because to get attached was to be the ultimate weakling. I'm afraid I will never be able to put him behind me. It's a been a year and why am I still dreaming of him?

I should just call it all quits. The game. everything. Just become a nun, funny, just like in high school. Me and my books and that was fine for me. Only this time I have memories and memories of the guys who wanted to be with me and I said no.

And then this stupid crush on #9's friend. forget about it. I'm going back to my writing and my books. And the best I can hope for is a dream where he isn't in it.

Just play it how it is.

If I just follow my own rules. I should be fine.

The more I talk to guys the more I'm reminded of the reasons why I should play and not become involved.

Seriously, married men. Like what the hell, you have your wife at home, and she's beautiful. You said I do to her, back it up! Idiots!

Older, much older divorce men. Yes, we know you went through a painful divorce. yes, you are single and available and are ready to play because your divorce left you scared. BUT, must you go after girls young enough to be your daughters? Seriously? You're how old? And you're looking for girls in what age? I know, I know, you don't want to discriminate in age but really, now you're just being perverted.I know they joke about me and going after youngsters, but I don't go for guys a decade younger than me at least. Perverts!

And then there are the "single" men. How the hell do you think you're kidding? And are you that dumb? Or do I play being the dumb blond too well? Do you really think I'm that stupid. *roll eyes*. It's obvious you have a girlfriend. If not here in the city, that you're attached to someone, but long distance or not, she's still your girlfriend. You're just losers for being scared of your own relationship. Either play the field right or have enough balls to break up with her before you get caught. Because you will get caught. the game will only come back to hunt you. Cowards!

Then there are actually single guys. Le sigh. I understand that at this point, you're all have been attached at one point with someone pretty serious. But just because you had bad experiences means that shouldn't try again. Grow some balls guys, there are plenty of single girls who would love to have you.

Me included eventually. As soon as I find that the hand that mine fits into. That and when I stop thinking of that guy I met through my hookup. That'll fade out, I hope.

Rules:

1.No playing with guys who are married/engaged/are boyfriends (attached)

2. No one older than 6 years or younger than 4.

3. No one shorter than me. No one of a smaller body frame (to an extent)

4. No latinos. Sorry, don't do my own race, I know them too well.

5. No one into drugs. (smokers okay. drinkers not so much.)

6. No fucktards. No creeps. If you give me the weirdo vibe, bye.

7. No one too good looking because they know how well they look and I don't need to feel that you're thinking you're having sympathy sex with me. Um-no. Also because you're so good looking, I know you're taking advantage of that and your numbers tend to run double digits. No thank you on the STD's either. Average guys are better anyway.

8. No dorks. Just because I tend to get attached to you. (case in point: hookup's best friend >_> goodlord why do I keep thinking of him?! -_- Boo. Just thumbs down. Is it bad that I'm hoping to bump into him when Spring semester starts? I've never blogged this much about a guy. Why him? he probably has a girlfriends. Dorks like him always do. And besides I played with his friend. -_-

The retracted rule that was formerly rule #9: No hooking up with friends of hook ups.

It gets weird fast. But only if your original hook up is a douchebag. I'm better playing this by ear and see how it develops because sometimes this opens up alot of guys :P But a must is keeping it to yourself unless you want drama by comparison. Sometimes it's nice to be known as easy and sometimes it's not.

Just see how it goes.

Just don't.

I'm acting out against my own stupidity. About to make another mistake, one I will regret. Breaking another rule just because I developed a crush on the friend of my hookup and hating myself for it does not mean that I have to act out against it and find myself some even more extreme action to get my mind off it.

The extreme action: a married man. and he keeps talking to me.

I keep thinking of who am I becoming. Flirting with a married man. How stupid have I become and I just hate my ex for making me into this person. By making me feel so insecure about myself that I need to feel that I have to prove to myself that I can do this, can do that, prove that I can be anyone I want to be and have anyone I want, including married men and women.

Just because he left me for her. Just like the song, nothing can save me now.

and the only hope I had to redeem myself, I only fuck it up by hooking up with his friend. FML. the girlfriend was right, just like always. And I hate it.

I just hope that after I come out of this, by myself, that the people important to me will still be here, no matter how much I fuck up, or more precisecly who I fuck.

I don't need to be judged. I judge myself. i admit to my mistakes, harder on myself than the words of anyone else because it hurts. hurts knowing I might have blown my chance at something by burning through the game. The point of the game is no attachment, so how did I end up liking his friend. -_-

I'm just going to fade out into my books. Fini.

Then I remember

That my girlfriends are my girlfriends for a reason. They totally redeem themselves with one word. With an action and I'm back like a dog to its master. Le sigh. It's all a matter of balance.

...Still thinking about him. Not as much but he lingers. Tomorrow.

Fact!

I called them my friends. They shouldn't be jealous for me whenever I do anything involving men. They shouldn't take out their pettiness just because I get ass sometimes, not that often, more than they can get and when I want to be a girlfriend and share the juicy gossip sex stories that we're supposed to have, the slumber girl, talk on the phone forever because they're my girlfriends and these bitches, they get bitchy because they think I don't know what the fuck am I doing!

I admit that fucktard! I don't know what I'm doing! And I'm fine with it. I'm the first to admit I don't know what I'm doing or what I really want. Whatever, let them get bitchy, which is probably coming from their inability to be happy for me, which stems from their jealousy because I have balls enough to lower my standards and go after guys physically. And just because i play the game, doesn't mean I rule myself out for the ability to settle down either. Doesn't mean I rule out crushing on someone for who they are, not what they;re like.

SO what if I like him? What if I slept with friend? So! What if I'm delusional enough to want to get to know him. What if I have the balls enough to ask hookup#9 about his friend. I'm going to look forward to this, whatever it develops into, if at all.

Sometimes only fellow lovers, (which I have ONE, pitifully just ONE friend of) can understand what a lover feels.

Omigod you guys!

I just finished watching the musical production of Legally Blonde. Marvelous is too short a word for it. I really like it and hope to get the chance soon, like really soon to be able to have a chance to read that book as well. After seeing the movie and the musical, I'm only more convince of the power of the protagonist Elle Woods. I love her for a few reasons. Unlike the controversy that surrounds Ms. Bella Swan of Twilight who is rumored to be a real traditionalist, ms. no interests beyond her vampire boyfriend at all. Elle was like that too. Her goal in life was to get engaged to Warner and then they broke up, and you know the story, she followed him to law school and omigod you guys she found herself. She found the strength to be herself and her passion and suddenly it wasn't all about Warner (prick!) but about what she wanted to do with her life and the realization that she's not just a blonde like everyone labeled her. And she didn't have to turn into a total prude in order to do it. She does it with the pride of every woman who ever felt pretty, but using the best trick to feel beautiful: her confidence. For the longest time, I felt like doing my hair and spending more than 10 minutes on my morning routine was the dumbest thing ever. I misjudged, because I had no clue about the power of appearance with my wanna-be goth attire and hair in a bun. Let's just say I blossom into my looks and I'm making every effort for both my inner and outer beauty to match themselves. Elle brings all this, making sexy smart, because really in order to rule the world, there has to be something more than either just boobs or just books. or just a vampire boyfriend.

countdown.

I made up my mind. Mostly because I woke up and I was still infatuated, not with an inkling of fading. So Sunday, if I'm still thinking about him, and this isn't just the void speaking up, that he is just a void filler, that hookup guy has a girl, and hooking up with his friend is better, but the thing that makes no sense is that while I couldn't think of hookup guy as anything but sexual, I only want to talk to his friend. Like talk=talk. SO I'm waiting till Sunday Morning comes along, to make sure it's not the pesky void filler whispering.

"hey what's your friend's name and number, he was cool."

Hmm. I'll work on it.

Have you no shame, unfaithful heart?

Why him? Is he another one of those bajillion crushes I had on campus this semester? How many guys, just how many did I check out and developed a physical crush for? And then not counting them, I also crushed on many of my classmates, girls and guys.

And then this week comes along. At one point or another I have been smitten, became fascinated with four guys, (guy)Number 9, guy in class, librarian, and now him. Am I just going to think about him and forget all about him tomorrow? Just anothe bypassing interest.

He's a bit different. I talked to him for awhile, we connected in that sort of connection you have once in awhile with a stranger. He spoke to me in Spanish at one point, completely took me by surprise. I like him better than Number 9 because he didn't have that edge that Number 9 does. The edge of a player, of a too selfish guy. Maybe because aside from classmates who treats me like a girl and not a lovegamer. Maybe I just like the idea of him.

But guys like him always have girls, pretty petite indie girls with braids in their hair and quirky music taste.


But I'm distracted and I'm thinking tomorrow or something Sunday if I'm still thinking about him I will resolved this. I will text Number 9 & either ask him whether friends are offlimits or ? at least his name.

Last day of the semester

I just came back from school.

I had a lovely time just doing nothing and having lunch with Mikko and Joey. Then talking in the SU while we randomly listen to snatches of music as we tested Lady Gaga's Heartbeats, with me checking out all the cute guys of this semester, with plenty of perverted jokes, and randomly singing Beatles songs. Just a perfect way to end the semester.

I only hope that I can make next semester will be even better :D

Nothing crazily extraordinary happened today

so why am I blogging again? especially since I have an essay due in t-minus 24 hours. I don't know, whatever. I got it.

I had a nice day, one of those days I wished I had more of. Not exciting but still pretty good. Had a scrumptious breakfast of a shrimp omelette with a side of plaintains and banana with hot chocolate, talk about mixing up a culture.

Got ready for school, felt pretty good about how I looked, went to school.
Saw two of my best buddies, talk, gossip, ate with one of them, Dana, walked the other, Mikko to his bus but not in that order. Went to the library, finish my presentation, gave my presentation (I taught the class, woot woot), established the start of a new friendship, her name is Christina and I am so looking forward to getting to know her.

I could feel her loneliness for friends. Just like I felt Brandon's long ago in high school, and maybe Mikko's too, which is why I walked by every morning, because the mexican clique was a clique but there were other places I could have gone so easily. But I still went to sit down next to the panda every single time.

When I saw Christina, working the desk, and was like Hi :) and started talking to her, and this is only my third time talking to her but I just knew that I had to do something. So I did. I gave her my number. My email, and she got this HUGE grin on her face. The type you get when your friend calls you up to meet you at school, and when you do, surprise they brought you homemade italian sausage, just for you. (Still want pumpkin pie though xD)

I don't think she makes many friends, or easily but I see no biggie in it. And guess what, rigth after I left to walk Dana to her appointment and headed back to the library to finish my presentation, I open my email and there was Christina, already emailing me. Saying hello, how are you, and whether I lived here (in state), and how were my finals, and yeah totally new friend there.

So I answered and started doing my presentation, finish it, went to class, taught class. Everyone is real encouraging in that class, I love it, the only thing I would change is him. He looked wonderful today. Wearing a dressy shirt, freshly shaven, just looking real spiffy, and I guess I look better than I thoguht I did. I kept catching him staring at me. BAD. BAD.BAD. Just NO. As much as I want to, N-O. he has a girlfriend, and their serious, and he talks about her all the damn time, and it's probably just the fact that's he's a reader, and that he's Italian, and that he's a writer, and the way he writes, I just want to. But I won't. And he reminds me of Christopher in a very male reader, dork manner, and NO. Maybe. No. How many times did I catch him looking at me? And every time, I pretended disinterest beyond academic wise. And I don't know why this is bothering me so damn much. I thoguht I put him out of my head because he's OFFLIMITS. I know that. It's not even physical attraction, it's mental. And I was nervous presenting, because of him. Sure Stephanie, be nervous around him, but not around any other guy who you can just fuck and leave within a day, withing an hour, withing less of knowing them. You can play the game real well, but love, forget it. And I have to forget him. I think i will after I'm done purging. He's a reader, I'm reader, he's a writer, I'm a writer, and it will never happen.

That! That is what's bothering me. >_> >_______________< Blah, hate stupid no-sense at all crushes. I'll forget. I have to.

it's just a stupid longing for that person just for me.


Yesterday I held hands with the guy I hookup with on campus. Our hands didn't fit. His too short and thick, mine too long and thin. Emotionally our hands won't fit either, anything more than a hookup/friend, and I know that after a few months, I will get tired of his bullshit and bolt. That and add the fact that before I met hookup guy I met his best friend who I talk to easily, too easily. I hope I'll bump into him on campus in the spring or that my hookup guy will text me to bullshit around so I can ask him if friends are off limits. Even if his friend is just another hookup, it's just some people you just have to try out (when single ONLY ofcourse!)

And that what brings me to another thought that nags at me. I was reading Glass by Ellen Hopkins (finished it) don't ask me why I'm reading and writing when I have an essay due like a huge academic essay with citations due on Friday -_- ugh whatever. I'll do what I want. I got it. But I was reading Glass when I came across:

I want to ask if he's been with other girls.
[Don't] Need to ask.
[No.]
I have to know. [No, you don't]

And when I was in the middle of hooking up, I started biting his neck. He told me now. it's alright. I back off, there's only two reasons why guys don't want hickeys.

1. They either are huge players and don't want their other game to see hickeys (Hookup guy is NOT a player. That I can read. he can play the game, but he's not the type to have a museum of lovers)

and 2. They have a girlfriend to go home to.

It's over. I hooked up.

Hello, let's meet, hello, let's play, you got yours? I got mine, allrighty bye.

I shouldn't care. But I do. I almost asked him right there and then, "do you have a girlfriend?" but I didn't. I don't want to know the answer. I might have hurt him because of what my ex did to me.

And when I read that today after having hookup yesterday with a guy who possibly has a girlfriend (more than willing to bet about it) waiting for him to go home for winter break. That question unnerves me. I want to ask [but I won't] because I really don't have to know. I don't want the guilt of knowing that once upon a time, I hooked up and he already had a girlfriend. Made that mistake already with a fake. liar. cheat. guy who gave me my first kiss years and years ago. He had a Long time girlfriend, they got married, they didn't have kids. they're now divorce. And I, me, I was the other woman. And she, I knew who she was but I believe him when he said it was over, but it wasn't and I dropped him and it only hurt me one day and I was done. And knew that he was nothing to cry over about and within 3 months of getting my first kiss, I started playing the game. No need for attachment. & I'm not attached to hook up guy (maybe just a bit his cutie friend who I like a bit too much) but BUT the suspicion of being the other woman, the guilt of it is there too.

And all I have echoing in my damn head is need to ask. {NO} Have to know [No, you don't] but like the song in the concert version.

But I should of have thought of that before we fucked! FUCK!

If he texts me, i promise that I will only make it right by asking about his friend (because I owe myself that, non-hookup or otherwise) and before I say yes to hooking up, I will ask if he has a girlfriend. IF we hookup again. He wasn't a spectacular lover. he ranks 3rd. it was rough, and I suspect the alcohol and cigs (maybe the nervousness about cheating? hope not) are taking a toll on his performance (I learn WAYYYYY too much in sex education and know way too much about sex and the body to not noticed. other girls might not but I did. I know)

He ranks 3rd. Out of um... UHhh. can't count. xD Mostly for durability and willing to the get-go. As well as being a gentleman hookup if there is such a thing. Hmm.

But is he really a gentlemen when he has a {possibly} girl (HOPE NOT) at home?

And all I wanted was a simple kind of life. I don't know how it got to this point.
When I envision myself as a lovegamer back in high school with loser self dreaming about it. i didn't realized how complicated, loving and leaving could be. sometimes.

The longer that I wait (for a special guy) the more selfish that I get (meaning I don't want one as much, will he (if I ever get there again, in a relationship) hurt me?)

Just another reason to keep writing, it's better that way, just going back to my writing now. And another reason to dream of him, the boy of my dreams, in all his unglamorous wardrobe, and geeky little square glasses, and eager "Oh boy!" lingo.

One day.

Rules

" Game?


Game.


Play.


The Game


Play It Well. "


Page 81 of Glass- by Ellen Hopkins. Truth.

Books Books Books!

100 Books

I found this list of 100 books on a random blog I came across. I stole it :P

I've emboldened the titles that I've read, and italicized the ones I hope to read someday. Feel free to do the same if you wish :)

1. Jane Austen – Pride & Prejudice

2. Harper Lee – To Kill A Mockingbird

3. JRR Tolkien – Lord Of The Rings

4. Jodi Picoult – My Sister’s Keeper

5. Stephanie Meyer – Twilight Saga

6. JK Rowling – Harry Potter & The Philosopher’s Stone>

7. Audrey Niffenegger – The Time Traveler’s Wife

8. Markus Zusak – The Book Thief

9. George Orwell – 1984

10. Raymond E. Feist – Magician

11. Khaled Hosseini – A Thousand Splendid Suns

12. Paullina Simons – Bronze Horsemen

13. Gregory David Roberts – Shantaram

14. Margaret Mitchell – Gone With The Wind

15. Bryce Courtenay – Power of One

16. Dan Brown – The Da Vinci Code

17. Dan Brown – Angels & Demons

18. Paulo Coelho – The Alchemist

19. Charlotte Bronte – Jane Eyre

20. Tim Winton – Cloud Street

21. Khaled Hosseini – The Kite Runner

22. Emily Bronte – Wuthering Heights

23. Arthur Golden – Memoirs of Geisha- Bookclub reading of last January/Feb :D

24. LM Montgomery – Anne Of Green Gables

25. Joseph Heller – Catch-22

26. Elizabeth Gilbert – Eat Pray Love

27. The White Tiger - Adiga Aravind

28. Brothers by Yu Hua

29. Yann Martel – Life of Pi

30. AB Facey – Fortunate Life

31. Douglas Adams – The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide To The Galaxy

32. Lewis Carroll – Alice In Wonderland & Through The Looking Glass

33. Sputnik Sweetheart -Haruki Murakami

34. Cane - Jane Toomer

35. David Pelzar – A Child Called It

36. Li Cunxin – Mao’s Last Dancer

37. John Marsden – Tomorrow, When The War Began

38. Frank McCourt – Angela’s Ashes

39. Frank Herbert – Dune

40. JD Salinger – A Catcher In The Rye

41. F. Scott Fitzgerald – The Great Gatsby

42. Gabriel Garcia Marquez – One Hundred Years Of Solitude

43. Bryce Courtenay – April Fool’s Day

44. The Good Earth - Pearl S. Buck

45. Patrick Suskind – Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer

46. Matthew Reilly – Ice Station

47. Carlos Ruiz Zafon – The Shadow Of The Wind

48. Stephen Hawking – A Brief History Of Time

49. Christopher Paolini – Eragon (Inheritance Cycle)

50. Louisa May Alcott – Little Women

51. Mitch Albom – Tuesdays With Morrie

52. Jane Austen – Persuasion

53. Alice Sebold – The Lovely Bones

54. Ian McEwan – Atonement

55. Leo Tolstory – Anna Karenina

56. George Orwell – Animal Farm

57.
Anthony Burgess – A Clockwork Orange


58. Antoine de Saint Exupéry – The Little Prince

59. Roald Dahl – Charlie & The Chocolate Factory

60. CS Lewis – The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe

61. Gabriel Garcia Marquez – Love In The Time Of Cholera

62. Bill Bryson – A Short History Of Nearly Everything

63. Fyodor Dostoevsky – Crime And Punishment

64. The Metamorphosis - Franz Kafka

65. Arundhati Roy – The God Of Small Things

66. Paullina Simons – Tully

67. John Grisham – A Time To Kill

68. John Grogan – Marley & Me

69. Vikram Seth – A Suitable Boy

70. Alexandre Dumas – Count Of Monte Cristo

71. Neil Gaiman – American Gods

72. Cormac McCarthy – The Road

73. Aldous Huxley – Brave New World

74. Brendan Shanahan – In Turkey I Am Beautiful: Between Chaos And Madness In A Strange Land

75. The Joy Luck Club - Amy Tan

76. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay - Michael Chabon

77. How The Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents - Julia Alverez
78. Donna Tartt – The Secret History

79. Mario Puzo – The Godfather

80. Anne Rice – Interview With The Vampire

81. Steig Larrson – The Girl With A Dragon Tattoo

82. Stephen King – Stand

83. Helen Fielding – Bridget Jones’ Diary

84. Eckhart Tolle – New Earth

85. Matthew Reilly – Seven Ancient Wonders

86. Jung Chang – Wild Swans

87. Nicholas Sparks – The Notebook

88. Bret Easton Ellis – American Psycho

89. David Eddings – Belgariad Vol. 1: Pawn Of Prophecy; Queen Of Sorcery; Magician’s Gambit

90. Louis De Bernieres – Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

91. Melina Marchetta – Looking For Alibrandi

92. Celia Ahern – PS I Love You

93. John Irving – A Prayer For Owen Meany

94. Colleen McCullough – The Thorn Birds

95. John Kennedy Toole – A Confederacy Of Dunces

96. Terry Pratchett – Good Omens

97. Hunter S. Thompson – Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas

98. Joanne Harris – Chocolat

99. William Goldman – Princess Bride

100. Charles Dickens – Great Expectations

This feeling has got to stay.

Today, I ruled the world. I rocked my world. I really lived, and lived happily. Today has been one of the best days of late. Aside from all the shit, the stress, the finals, the responsibilities, it was about damn time I had such a radtastic day.

I talked to a librarian. I know where I'm going to do with my life now for damn sure, and no one is going to stop me. Librarians rule the world

I went on date, and even if he doesn't call me for another or just to hang out, doesn't have to be a date, it's alright because for me at least the date was wonderful. He said he thought it was going to be awkward and now I know. I know that I can move on, that I am date-able. That if I have any other dates, him or not, it will be not awkward, I'll be great because I will make it sweet, that's up to me. Why didn't I see that before?

Then I saw my best friend and his boyfriend, a closed friend of mine now, and we hung out. I know it wasn't much. We just watched a movie on his laptop, together but, but that was more than I could ever dream of doing back in high school. Awesome movie, awesome time, and it was beautiful to me because all was right in the world.

And then the wonderfully unimaginable happened. I came home to a letter he sent me. And he sent me a picture of him, reading a book, smiling at me. A letter, an old bookmarker, all signed. And I dare not dream beyond the fan and author relationship but this, it gives me hopes. It makes me happy. Over the moon, across the field home run, favorite song playing, just blissfully happy. I know I will have to get over my attachment of him one day when and if I ever settled down with another but for now. I'm just falling into it. He makes me happy, and like the song, if it's makes me happy, then it can't be that bad.

Mondays are my favorite days and always will be :) And today just took my breath away and let me lived. I didn't expect such a gift for a day when I woke up this morning. On Monday Morning <3

Now the only thing that'll complete it is to finish my homework with time to spare (HA!)

Hate hate hate this.

I hate it when emotions sneak up on me. I would absolutely be horrified if this happened anywhere when I was with someone/in public.

I was emailing a friend about Burned by Ellen Hopkins (Just a stunning book). As I was telling her, I remembered that I was reading that when he left me for her. And before I could even blink I was heaving sadness into my hands, cupping my face, my mouth so that no one could hear me.

hate hate hate. I was perfectly fine, happy that she emailed me and then bam, I'm trying to muffle my brief sobs. Why must I remember that? Why. I loved the book and looking back on it, I can remembered how I cling to it. to anything. I remembered how I cling because I couldn't get up. I couldn't do anything. I spent a week lying in bed, sleeping 16 hours a day, only getting up to eat food I didn't find taste. and when I went to the bathroom, it was only to dry heave over the toilet and vomit nothing but a clear white looking like water liquid, trying to vomit the distaste of the whole affair. It was ugly. very ugly. I worried everyone. I lost a lot of weight. I went down from a size 16 to a size 14 in two weeks because I didn't realized I was starving myself. I couldn't eat. I couldn't swallow, I would get nauseous if I ate anything heavier than a yogurt or a banana a day. Yeah that's what I was eating. One banana or one yogurt a day and some water. It was all I could stomach.

Stupid how one thing can bring you down. I clung to that book. I read burned and it took me the whole week, not because it's difficult. it's actually a very fast, very short read. But I've read Burned because I would be reading it and just glazed over whatever I read, I had to go back and concentrate on what I actually read because I didn't know what I read. Or then i would read something and I would have to put the book down because I couldn't go on.

I know if I read it again and I want to. I love Hopkins, it's only going to make me cry.

And I'm sick for still wanting him sometimes. He broke me and I want him back. So strong. so weak. too much. too little.

All I can do is write and wait. wait. wait. for the day that I might be okay, and find a man who will treat me like I am a flower and he is a bee and his world is me.

Where are you, I think I know who you are, prince charming with glasses, and always a good book in sack, prince charming with outdated slang, prince charming, king of the geeks. When are you? because you're not here on my time, with me, when you should be. But you still make me smile. he still holds the ability to make me laugh with his bad jokes and his geek boy manner and maybe that's why I cling to him, when I should just cut my losses and go. live. forget about relationships and just concentrate on reading and writing for the rest of my life. Sounds like a good enough plan to me.