& then I forgot this.

What it was like to have an actual guy call.

Like talk on the phone. Not just text and to be able to have a conversation without going sexual, only light, verging on polite flirting.

I forgot what it was like. It's been so long because I don't/won't/can't answer the phone and am very selectively about who I talk to on the phone. Especially when it comes to guys.

Especially when it comes to my (potential) fuck buddies. But he called. He called me and I said fuck it, and decided to pick up, thinking he just wanted to hear my voice and make sure it was me, voice confirmation.

But it brought back memories.

And it was nice. I forgot about how nice it is. To have a guy just talk to you, no bullshit involved or before it starts and I realized this is the way it should have been, with Meaty. yeah, I admit it Mikko, and maybe this is why you logged in to see if I had any of my confessions. I didn't, because you already know how I wanted it to be with him, and then not.

But it doesn't matter, or maybe it does. Because he's still talking to me, and now we reached a point that I don't even know how to describe.

but this phone call, it reminded me so much. Of how I used to be. That girl. You know, when I was with someone. A girlfriend. A person. I've become so used to texts that are so removed from me, and then just being with a guy and not talking with him because we didn't exactly meet up to talk, that I forgot what it was like.

It's nice but I have to put it away now. It'll be another memory and I'll look back upon it as just that. Because if I allowed it to be much more than that, then it'll start to matter.

And he doesn't matter. And he won't.

But it was still nice. If only for a little while :) But I feel bad for my less fortunate friends who won't get this attention from guys because I don't know why. Either they attract the attention but are too picky, or they don't but only from guys who are not really guys but creepers, or they just get it from their ex, which is just a world of fuck up hurt waiting to happen, but they don't get it. I don't know why.

I never saw myself as particularly attractive. (Unless I'm being cocky) I mean look at me, I am overweight and still working on it when I hope I wouldn't be as much but life kinda took over and pushed away my jogging routine.

Maybe soon again when I will take it up. I have to, if I am going to be leg humping again. I want myself in the best shape possible for twisties.

I guess the point of this blog is that I have to remember what it's like being me. Completely me and happy with myself again. I forgotten that too. Was remembering. But then the schedule kicked in and I didn;t have time to be myself, to completely recovered from my last boyfriend. My ex. Yes it was short, so short of a time we were together, it seems crazy now to see how much I became attached to him. But at the time it wasn't and I let myself fall. Fall for him. Fall in love, and it hurt after the fact. Just broken hearted for a long time, and just made me really question. He said he would remembered long after I have moved on, what he didn't know is that I knew it would be the opposite. He would be with a girl first, and only mourn the relationship a few days, a week at most, and I would still be trying to get over it.

Just because I was attached, and this is why I don't like to get attached because when I do get attached, I do it (to quote my cousins) FOR REALS.

I do it FOR REALS. No half assing it. I go all the way and give over my heart, love shouldn't be half ass. Not one bit. Which is why I'm selective and chose to fuck around than date.

I say I can't date because of my parents but that's not the whole truth. It just adds to it. I really don't date because it tends to mess with my head. My heart. Am I scare? Yes. I don't want to put myself through it if I don't think the guy is worth it.

So I'll continue to fuck around and have as much fun as I can with guys and hopefully girls. I want girls. I wants lots of them. I want them to come to me, and I want to play and I want girls. But for right now, I'm going to concentrate on riding and getting through the night. Day. week.

Without remembering fuckface.

I thought I saw him today, making a turn. My heart JUMPED and I was so happy of the way I handled the truck even though my heart stopped. But then my second thought was "you're too poor to own that nice of a corvette." And I kept driving. but but but. Like any time that happens, he stayed in my mind.

He was my adoration. The love of my life. He hurt me so much that even now, some songs still reduce me to tears when I think about him.
But all I can do is toast to that fucker's fate and hope his life deteriorate daily and for one day, just once, I would like to laugh and have fate laugh with me when he sees me driving in a nice car, and before he realizes who it is, I want him to think- hot girl driving. Fucker. You thought I couldn't drive, you said so yourself, that I shouldn't drive, that I had a distracted personality, that I wouldn't be able to drive. That I was too "nervous". & I'm ashamed that I agree with you. that you would reduce my independence so much. fuck you and your shitty car, my car may not be new but it'll never break down on me like it does yours and is newer. Just wait, one day. I will get my own bike, fuck what anyone says, I will learn to ride, and you will have to owe up to the fact that you fucked up with me. OH & the reason why I have such a "distracted" personality is not because I can't control myself, oh no buddy, it's the opposite, it's because I am thinking a millions thoughts at a time.I am thinking thoughts that you can't even dream of because of your limited imagination due to your inability to have passion for anything outside of yourself and your puny paycheck and your car. Anything else in your head going on? Nope. No ambitions beyond slaving away at a crappy job for one good day of paintballing. Fucking idiot, and I'm not saying I'm better than you, but you will never understand what it's like to actually THINK. I have dozens of layered dreams, and guess what fucker? Most of them are coming true and if not, I am working on it and won't stopped till they are coming true.


YOU

Majorly fucked up. I was willing to give you everything and you knew it, and you threw it away for a little high school tramp. Fucking 15! You were 20 turning 21! Wtf were you thinking! Did she give you that good of a blow job? Was it because I was timid in giving you blow jobs? And the only reason why I was so timid was because you fucker, had a big dick. If you had given me damn time, I told you I was working on it. I never given blowjobs before you! I was a late bloomer, and only had 2 guys before you and one of them was the guy I lost my virginity to. Idiot. I was learning. Did that scare you? Knowing that I was always learning and intent on always doing so. Placing value in my education? Well, my education has gotten me to the point where the other day at work, when I ate a big banana, I got stared at. 3 stares and one guy who had to look back at me.

Yeah, I learned a few things. Fucking idiot. Your loss and I can't wait till you realized how well I did for myself. Am doing for myself.


...wow when did this turn into a rant?

X_X

Like I could get any worse.

I just wrote this ridiculously long, blowing off steam blog that included math, frustrations, and new selfish revelations, only to have the error message pop up after I pressed publish post button.

Thanks blogger for making my day so much better! *sacarm drips* Thank you for letting me realized how life can get so much better <_<

Pfft. I'm not rewriting it. it doesn't matter anymore because I don't give a fuck.

Just point me to the direction of the nearest stupidest, death wish I can do and let me go my way.

& Yes I am looking at you riders, who's going to take me doing 147 mph on the freeway with no gear on and just holding onto you for safety? :D


I should just let go.

I never

Midnight confessions to a guy I never met but who is always txting me, keeping me awake during the routine of work.

Me: I used guys.

And he said it was okay because he used his friend's happiness to substitute for his own.

No I don't like him. I just keep thinking about why I told him that. Because I realized it's true. Anything walking with a penis that is decent looking by my standards. I just want to fuck and fuck over? Why? I think it's simple. Every relationship I have ever been in has always ended up with the guy going for another girl. Leaving me broken, used, leaving me alone, leaving me for her. And I know I wrote about this, several times. But it's because it haunts me. It shapes me, and shapes the future of any guy I have. Even my serious crushes disappoint me. They crush me, break my heart off in little pieces because of the fact of the potential I see in us and their failure to be that guy. To want me that way. To care. Relationships break me and my crushes, along with my missed connections, they just hurt me. So what's left?

Funny. I am not the super jealous type nor the jealous type, and have not developed it by past betrayals. Maybe that's part of the problem but I never want to be the needy girlfriend and I don't think I'll have a chance to be a girlfriend. My friend says that my summer boy wasn't really a relationship because I knew it had to end. Is that going to be all my relationships now? Am I only going to be happy in a relationship where I know it has to end?

I don't know. I just know that when school kicks in, I'm going to whore it up and take comfort in my sexuality to make me feel powerful, to make me feel like I can give the finger the love because I don't need it. because every time I go looking for it, I am just starting to think, how long before he finds someone else? Before he leaves me?

And even with these letters in the mail, Amelie stunt. I hardly have faith in anything. I just want to mess around a bit and see what happens because I have nothing to lose. And I really hope that by the time IF I chose to reveal myself, that I will be driving so that at least I can get a ride.

Is that why I'm attracted to motorcycles? Because I get that feeling of all is right in the world when I am on one? That I don't need guys to be happy. that I can make my own happiness by riding? All I know is that destiny is calling me. School starts next week and I am more than looking forward to it, because like Mikko, I feel like I didn't get a break, a real vacation.

So I'm hoping fall terms kicks in and I will have time enough to fool around and maybe catch a ride or so in between the classes, the work, the homework. If I'm lucky, I'll be driving LEGALLY to school by October or November.

Really life?

Now tonight was just fuck up.

Fuck you very much life.
I love you but I could have done without that fucktardary.

Will he hold your tiny face in your hands?

I keep trying to write and it's not coming out.

I want to write about him.

Want to be able to express what I feel in words.

And I can't.

And I know why I can't.

It's because I can't let go.

I don't want to let go.

I don't want to say goodbye.

Not yet. And I really don't have to. But I know. I know what I should do. For my own damn good. But I don't care if it's for my own good or not. I just want. want want want. Want time to be kinder. Want to steal time. Want to really get to know him before I let go. I am not ready to let go and yet I have to be. C'est la vie and I can't do anything about it. BUT

To answer my title question, yes he did.

He held my face in his hands. Many, many times, countless times. Just such vibrant memories of it, of him doing it. And knowing that is all I'll have now.

Just memories, turning bittersweet in time as the pain kicks in.

It was crazy. Insanely different, fast, just wow. Took my breath away. I didn't realized how it could be.

But it just was. It was just being.

Being me. Being him. Being together.

And now we will just be. Be us. Be apart. Back to being not together. Back to him being just him. And I'll just be me. It'll be just me.

but like the song lyric echoes in my mind, "yeah you're better off for leaving. You're better off for leaving..."

It's my mantra. What I keep telling myself. That he is better off for leaving. Not because I want him to but he is. He'll be a better person without me, he'll be able to find that person meant just for him. I would have ruined it anyway. It's better this way.

And if it's not one song, it's another which haunts me. Acoustic version of it right now, I can't stand the angry original one right now.

"If I'm strong enough, I will give you up, and if I stay away, you'll find the girl who'll make you great. A girl who will make you great. A girl more like you."

Who won't be me.

"So why did you have to go and pick me when you knew we were different completely?"

It just all comes back full circle, doesn't it?

I wanted everything.

I have been sitting here for the past two hours.

I told myself I would write my novel since the night is mine.

I didn't.

I spent two hours DOING NOTHING. KNOWING NOTHING. Because everything I've work so hard for this last semester. This rebuilding of my life, to make myself a better person, a better friend, to achieve my goals, my self-actualizations amounted to tonight.

Ugly. Fake. Loser.
Liar Liar. Dirty girl. Shameless.

This was coming. I know it the moment I felt my smile weary on my face.

I miss him. He's not here. He won't ever be here again.

He changed my whole world.

fuck. i can't even write this.

Lying with her eyes while her hands are busy working overtime.

I need a drink.

Someone give me a cigarette.

And another drink.

A shot would do me good too.

Where's the nearest hottie I can self-destroy myself through sexuality with?

Oh you know this was coming.

Fuck.

Happiness is a warm gun.

Bang bang.

NO No No NO >_>

Why did I have to be dragged there out all places? Oh that's right I needed to get a book for class from the library & on the way back, we had to stop and shop at that freaking store. & i thoguht I could handle it.

I didn't handle it at all.

I nearly broke down.

Nearly started crying a few times, hiccuping. Simply because I saw the similar shade of dirty blond, or the tall lanky build of my ex.

tried so very hard to just shop & enjoy & not remember. But it's his favorite store & the odds of bumping into him went up through the freaking skylight. & I tried SO HARD & still I couldn't relax. Couldn't tell myself to move the fuck on, that he wasn't there & hopefully wont be there. had to concentrate on my own breathing because the tension of the perhaps was too real in the back of my head. Try to relax myself with my gibberish mantra. try to tell myself, I'm wearing my docs, I can outrun and hit anyone hard with them. But I couldn't and might as well been dead weight for all that I did in the store.

I can't go to that store, I will NOT be dragged to it anymore.

& just when we're leaving & I'm breathing a sign of relief from being so damn tense. so damn on the lookout, to be ready to run away in case I bump into him or any of his fuck up family & bullshit friends. Sammie starts talking to me & I don't even hear what she says until she pokes me and asks me why my hands are shaking.

& thank gawd my mom was busy with Emmy because if she had noticed what SAM pointed out to me she would have been all over me, interrogating. She was already prissy at me because I was in a bad mood & kept asking me why & the only thing I could say is I hate this walmart. I'm still affected by him & i shouldn't be. No wonder why I can't find what I want. Fml.

No I know what I wanted for the longest time, for him to come back to me but I can't have that. Won't. Can't. No. Fml. How could he have gotten so close? -__-

I was having such a sweet day too.



I'm home now & just realized I've been nervous eating. -___- that's not going to help. I'm going to watch TV.

frustration.

I'm fine. Don't mind me.

An epiphany with a song.

Sometimes there is that gem of a song that you have been listening for years because it's a great song on it's own with a sweet beat and nice vocals. And then days, months, years past, and the song is still there being great but then you just find yourself in a place, on a night, listening to music and the song hits you. And it hits you again and again and the lyrics just grabbed at you, and you just find yourself relating and going, I never figured that one day I will be in a situation that I could sing this song with my actual heart behind it. and this was just a cool song and now it means the world. Now it describes me and I just wonder at how the songwriters knew. How they knew that people would find themselves relating to this and what had they gone through in order to be able to write down so well, to capture it, and to form it into a song that just makes you breathe and realized that yes, this song is you, and yes it is other people too in their own way, and that out of everything, that life goes on, and that you're not the only one with those feelings. And now finding myself there with those words. I get it.

Am I more than you bargained for yet
I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear
Cause that's just who I am this week
...
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song
...
Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team
...
Wishing to be the friction in her jeans
Isn't it messed up how I'm just dying to be him
...
We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it.
...
Just pull it. Just fucking pull it.
.

I can honestly say I get it. I actually relate, and not just fake relate to it like many teeny-boopers middle schoolers who related to the love game, or who wanted to make a bad romance. No, you don't you're only 11-12 years old, and you don't know what it's like to be a dancer in the dark, and if you do. I'm sorry, but I'm not talking about the exception, I'm talking about the majority, the normal girls.

But I can honestly say that I relate to those lyrics. :/ And I had my motherfucking epiphany, sitting here, typing up my homework, and the song comes on and I'm listening to it, singing along, not even paying much attention to the lyrics when I hear that, I'm (he's) just a notch on your bedpost and he is, you're (I am) just a line in the song, I really am.

If it comes to anything, that is just what he is going to be, and all my potential might be just that but I'm just letting this out. just writing it out, get it out of my system. Because I'm just going to take it as it comes, and let the chips fall where they will, and I'll be right there to step it up.

It feeds my soul.

I write. That's not secret anymore.

What is a secret is my state of being when I write. What people don't know is when I'm writing, I give all of me, no holding back, and it's the reason I do it at night with my door lock. I tend to get as emotional as my characters are when they are going through situations.

& I thought my second book was hard to write. This one is proving to be a trip, making me listen to those songs I shouldn't be listening for my own good. Songs that bring back heart ache, bring me back to a place of pain, a place of where I should be getting over from. & I take that hurt and I try to put in my writing. But once I stop typing, it's still there.

& I just hear the lyrics over and over again.
Do you even know how much it hurts?

You gave up on me to be with her.

Lyrics that haunt me. Burn through me as I write.

& what really makes me just want to die, just die, is that he didn't even say he was sorry. Didn't say any of that. What he did say was that he found the love of his life, and that he was getting married, and it wasn't going to be to me, and she was right there listening to him, break up with me, over the phone. Listening because I was on speakerphone and he said those same exact words to me. To me, he told me I was the love of his life. He and I talked about our children, names, about how after I got my B.A. we were just going to get the hell out of town, both of us, and start anew, with me in school, and him working. It was beautiful, and it still hurts, and it's been a year and it explains why I'm so fuck up.

& why I cling, desperately hold onto every inside joke, every word, every speech, every little dorky geeky little reference that my dream guy makes. Because every time I hear him giggle, actually giggle like a little boy, and say wow, and then reference this armor racing snail arms dealers that his sister wrote about him, about him, I forget. I forget and I laugh and I smile, and I think there's hope for me yet. There's still hope. & it's a stupid dream really, but I dream it because if I don't, I don't want to know, I really don't.

I just hope that my books are enough to get to a place where I could make my dreams a reality.

I hope with a broken heart.

Not like it would happen anyway.

It happened. I broke down again. I was having such an awesome break too.

But i feel this ache that won't leave me alone creeping up on me.

It started simply enough, I got out of the shower, felt good about actually getting in a sensible workout and was ready to tackle on some work in my novel, (I'm mostly typing it up, editing, and adding a bit as I go along) and I sat down and I noticed that one of the Sim stories I read recently uploaded a new chapter.

the new chapter was beautiful and I was reading the part about the Christmas party being thrown, the family pulling together in new hopes aside from all of the tragedy and loss they faced over the years and halfway thought I started heaving because I still can't cry tears. I mist up plenty of times, tears on the verge of falling but they never do & it worries me because I know I won't be at peace till I'm able to cry. I didn't even cry at my grandma's funeral. I couldn't. I don't think I said anything the whole day, much beyond nodding and doing things on automatic. What I remember is I was carrying Emmy everywhere. My parents couldn't take care of her, everyone was busy, I had to look out for her & Sammie, & dahlia, no one was watching the kids and I just remember all I could think of was "the kids, the kids, the kids, where are the kids, have they ate? what are they doing, must kept them quiet during the service, the kids... I look back on it & realized I was just using them as a shield to keep from fully grieving, to face the situation.

I kept reading but I kept heaving, remembering. Hating. Wanting. needing, feeling lonely, feeling blue, feeling like it's no used.

So my friend has been pretty tore up about the holidays because her ex promised her forever and it's Christmas and new years and he's not here, and neither is mine. But I haven't let anyone know how in the few minutes of waking up Christmas eve day, before stirring, how my first thought is that there will be no present for me from my sweetheart because he's not here.

I tried so hard to forget. Even read that article why being single for the holidays is a blessing sometimes, tried to have a really good time this year, especially since my family visited and that helped. ALOT. told myself I've had a better Xmas and I did. I really did. But I also know that the reason I got drunk on Christmas was not because I am a light weight but because I was so keen on it. Determine and mission accomplished, I even tossed my cookies in the morning.

How can one year changed everything. A year ago, I would have laugh in someone's face if they told me I would be drunk, drinking on Xmas day, walking the strip @ 3 am. That wasn't me, I would never touch the alcohol, and ciggs? Forget it.

Now I have a pack hidden in my room to smoke them once in awhile. Ms. Social drinker, Ms. social smoker. I shunned it all, never touching it mostly because he didn't. Still doesn't to my knowledge.

Forget about him. I try to everyday, but it's harder in the holidays, just like my friend is going through. & I try to be strong, especially for her, and sometimes I think she's the happier one because she can cry about it and all I have are moments of melancholy and a shuddering heaving that leaves me in despair.

& i think what's the used, especially since this little lady is my right hand woman when it comes to gossip and guys and surprise surprise, since she changed my default, all of a sudden, by mere coincidence, I'm talking to three guys at once.

& I can't tell her, I can't ask her for advice and make stupid jokes and comparisons of their looks, and how good they might be, and whether any of them can wear a hawaiian shirt. I can't do that, not in the way she feels. & that just hurts me, because she's hurting, and I am too and we can't relate.

& these guys, one I've known since 4th grade. Quite a history of off and on again friendship which turn a bit weird last march or april when we both admitted that over the years at one point or another but never simultaneously together, we wonder what it would be like to kiss each other. We stopped talking and experience an off period in our friendship, i think we were both afraid of altering our too many years of friendship so we stopped talking/txting. Which may be weird to others, because we talk and then stopped cold and then pick up months later, like if nothing had happened, and we never fell out of touch. & yesterday we text all day, and today he called me, and the friendship is still there. he's the same person I've known for 13 years or so, but i sense it, and I know he senses it too, the underlying of curiosity to make it more, and our hesitation to do so. I hear it, and ignored it, and he does too even though towards the late night yesterday his texts got a bit flirty and i started flirting right back and stopped, because it was late, my excuse for my fear.

that & I've always wondered, and he's not cute to me. Not in the way some guys are, but I just have to see what tomorrow brings. We may stopped talking anytime for weeks, months, but then we'll just pick up again, but what will be different for both of us when we talk again?

The other guy is Asian. Aside from my gay best friend, i rarely find them Asians attractive. they remind me too much of Hispanics with their shortness and dark tone (not all of them)& we've been texting. & surprise his grandma passed away from cancer too, so we bonded on one level, and I know he'll be a fling because even now I'm not taking him seriously beyond being a friend or a possible distraction. You just know when you want to date someone and when you don't, and despite him being nice and all, I don't think I could date him if that was an option, & i get the feeling he has no plans to settled down anytime soon & neither do I.

The other guy, I was completely on impulse, seeing a suggestion for a friend you might know, and I was like "that's the guy I crush on in high school" (among 80 other so crushes xD) & i emailed him saying I had a crush on him in hs. & he replied it made me smile at the thought of a guy made me smile like I haven't smiled in awhile.

Being ms. snoppy, after replying I looked at his (public) profile & i see all these people I went to high school with, people who I admired for their freedom back then, their diversity, and aspirations in life, their hobbies, I wanted to be just like that. Wanted to be their friend but never said much beyond hi because I was too shy.

Nothing changed. I look at them and realized I don't belong. I can't. The girls are beautiful, small, independent powerhouses who drive. perfect. petite. The guys are handsome, big, strong, just dreamboats, just like back in high school.

I don't belong and if this guy by any chance will see anything he likes in me, I'll give it a chance, hoping, but I know.

I'm hoping but I'm afraid there's no used in hoping because it's dead already. He'll probably email me a few times and forget bout me. It feels like that with me. Hi there, you're a cool chick, bye! & i let myself get used, look forward to it, and then forgotten. I tell myself that CP hasn't forgotten but he's just a dream, a comfort to me in my fantasies.

So i'll be forgotten again, & i'll be okay. I just need to go back to my writing, which is where I will always belong. That much is true, I'll always have my books, and my writing, and my music.

It should have been a clue to how closed I am to breaking down, someone should noticed but they don't. They think it's just a cool song but listening to it for the past two weeks straight, it's personal.

Sometimes really, the only happiness is a warm gun. . & the beatles had it right, about needing the fix, that fix just to get through the day, and most think it's about addiction but it can also be about suicide.

bang bang shoot shoot