I never

Midnight confessions to a guy I never met but who is always txting me, keeping me awake during the routine of work.

Me: I used guys.

And he said it was okay because he used his friend's happiness to substitute for his own.

No I don't like him. I just keep thinking about why I told him that. Because I realized it's true. Anything walking with a penis that is decent looking by my standards. I just want to fuck and fuck over? Why? I think it's simple. Every relationship I have ever been in has always ended up with the guy going for another girl. Leaving me broken, used, leaving me alone, leaving me for her. And I know I wrote about this, several times. But it's because it haunts me. It shapes me, and shapes the future of any guy I have. Even my serious crushes disappoint me. They crush me, break my heart off in little pieces because of the fact of the potential I see in us and their failure to be that guy. To want me that way. To care. Relationships break me and my crushes, along with my missed connections, they just hurt me. So what's left?

Funny. I am not the super jealous type nor the jealous type, and have not developed it by past betrayals. Maybe that's part of the problem but I never want to be the needy girlfriend and I don't think I'll have a chance to be a girlfriend. My friend says that my summer boy wasn't really a relationship because I knew it had to end. Is that going to be all my relationships now? Am I only going to be happy in a relationship where I know it has to end?

I don't know. I just know that when school kicks in, I'm going to whore it up and take comfort in my sexuality to make me feel powerful, to make me feel like I can give the finger the love because I don't need it. because every time I go looking for it, I am just starting to think, how long before he finds someone else? Before he leaves me?

And even with these letters in the mail, Amelie stunt. I hardly have faith in anything. I just want to mess around a bit and see what happens because I have nothing to lose. And I really hope that by the time IF I chose to reveal myself, that I will be driving so that at least I can get a ride.

Is that why I'm attracted to motorcycles? Because I get that feeling of all is right in the world when I am on one? That I don't need guys to be happy. that I can make my own happiness by riding? All I know is that destiny is calling me. School starts next week and I am more than looking forward to it, because like Mikko, I feel like I didn't get a break, a real vacation.

So I'm hoping fall terms kicks in and I will have time enough to fool around and maybe catch a ride or so in between the classes, the work, the homework. If I'm lucky, I'll be driving LEGALLY to school by October or November.