& then I forgot this.

What it was like to have an actual guy call.

Like talk on the phone. Not just text and to be able to have a conversation without going sexual, only light, verging on polite flirting.

I forgot what it was like. It's been so long because I don't/won't/can't answer the phone and am very selectively about who I talk to on the phone. Especially when it comes to guys.

Especially when it comes to my (potential) fuck buddies. But he called. He called me and I said fuck it, and decided to pick up, thinking he just wanted to hear my voice and make sure it was me, voice confirmation.

But it brought back memories.

And it was nice. I forgot about how nice it is. To have a guy just talk to you, no bullshit involved or before it starts and I realized this is the way it should have been, with Meaty. yeah, I admit it Mikko, and maybe this is why you logged in to see if I had any of my confessions. I didn't, because you already know how I wanted it to be with him, and then not.

But it doesn't matter, or maybe it does. Because he's still talking to me, and now we reached a point that I don't even know how to describe.

but this phone call, it reminded me so much. Of how I used to be. That girl. You know, when I was with someone. A girlfriend. A person. I've become so used to texts that are so removed from me, and then just being with a guy and not talking with him because we didn't exactly meet up to talk, that I forgot what it was like.

It's nice but I have to put it away now. It'll be another memory and I'll look back upon it as just that. Because if I allowed it to be much more than that, then it'll start to matter.

And he doesn't matter. And he won't.

But it was still nice. If only for a little while :) But I feel bad for my less fortunate friends who won't get this attention from guys because I don't know why. Either they attract the attention but are too picky, or they don't but only from guys who are not really guys but creepers, or they just get it from their ex, which is just a world of fuck up hurt waiting to happen, but they don't get it. I don't know why.

I never saw myself as particularly attractive. (Unless I'm being cocky) I mean look at me, I am overweight and still working on it when I hope I wouldn't be as much but life kinda took over and pushed away my jogging routine.

Maybe soon again when I will take it up. I have to, if I am going to be leg humping again. I want myself in the best shape possible for twisties.

I guess the point of this blog is that I have to remember what it's like being me. Completely me and happy with myself again. I forgotten that too. Was remembering. But then the schedule kicked in and I didn;t have time to be myself, to completely recovered from my last boyfriend. My ex. Yes it was short, so short of a time we were together, it seems crazy now to see how much I became attached to him. But at the time it wasn't and I let myself fall. Fall for him. Fall in love, and it hurt after the fact. Just broken hearted for a long time, and just made me really question. He said he would remembered long after I have moved on, what he didn't know is that I knew it would be the opposite. He would be with a girl first, and only mourn the relationship a few days, a week at most, and I would still be trying to get over it.

Just because I was attached, and this is why I don't like to get attached because when I do get attached, I do it (to quote my cousins) FOR REALS.

I do it FOR REALS. No half assing it. I go all the way and give over my heart, love shouldn't be half ass. Not one bit. Which is why I'm selective and chose to fuck around than date.

I say I can't date because of my parents but that's not the whole truth. It just adds to it. I really don't date because it tends to mess with my head. My heart. Am I scare? Yes. I don't want to put myself through it if I don't think the guy is worth it.

So I'll continue to fuck around and have as much fun as I can with guys and hopefully girls. I want girls. I wants lots of them. I want them to come to me, and I want to play and I want girls. But for right now, I'm going to concentrate on riding and getting through the night. Day. week.

Without remembering fuckface.

I thought I saw him today, making a turn. My heart JUMPED and I was so happy of the way I handled the truck even though my heart stopped. But then my second thought was "you're too poor to own that nice of a corvette." And I kept driving. but but but. Like any time that happens, he stayed in my mind.

He was my adoration. The love of my life. He hurt me so much that even now, some songs still reduce me to tears when I think about him.
But all I can do is toast to that fucker's fate and hope his life deteriorate daily and for one day, just once, I would like to laugh and have fate laugh with me when he sees me driving in a nice car, and before he realizes who it is, I want him to think- hot girl driving. Fucker. You thought I couldn't drive, you said so yourself, that I shouldn't drive, that I had a distracted personality, that I wouldn't be able to drive. That I was too "nervous". & I'm ashamed that I agree with you. that you would reduce my independence so much. fuck you and your shitty car, my car may not be new but it'll never break down on me like it does yours and is newer. Just wait, one day. I will get my own bike, fuck what anyone says, I will learn to ride, and you will have to owe up to the fact that you fucked up with me. OH & the reason why I have such a "distracted" personality is not because I can't control myself, oh no buddy, it's the opposite, it's because I am thinking a millions thoughts at a time.I am thinking thoughts that you can't even dream of because of your limited imagination due to your inability to have passion for anything outside of yourself and your puny paycheck and your car. Anything else in your head going on? Nope. No ambitions beyond slaving away at a crappy job for one good day of paintballing. Fucking idiot, and I'm not saying I'm better than you, but you will never understand what it's like to actually THINK. I have dozens of layered dreams, and guess what fucker? Most of them are coming true and if not, I am working on it and won't stopped till they are coming true.


YOU

Majorly fucked up. I was willing to give you everything and you knew it, and you threw it away for a little high school tramp. Fucking 15! You were 20 turning 21! Wtf were you thinking! Did she give you that good of a blow job? Was it because I was timid in giving you blow jobs? And the only reason why I was so timid was because you fucker, had a big dick. If you had given me damn time, I told you I was working on it. I never given blowjobs before you! I was a late bloomer, and only had 2 guys before you and one of them was the guy I lost my virginity to. Idiot. I was learning. Did that scare you? Knowing that I was always learning and intent on always doing so. Placing value in my education? Well, my education has gotten me to the point where the other day at work, when I ate a big banana, I got stared at. 3 stares and one guy who had to look back at me.

Yeah, I learned a few things. Fucking idiot. Your loss and I can't wait till you realized how well I did for myself. Am doing for myself.


...wow when did this turn into a rant?

X_X

Back on track.

They can't stop me.

No matter what fate throws at me. I refused to be stopped.
I refused to be beaten down and waking up every morning, feeling hate, feeling self-pity, feeling anything but awesome at who I am. I have worked too damn hard at the person I am today in order to be reduced to being the person I was before, damnit. I refused to lead any life that I am not happy living. I don't care if I have work even more. I will do it. I will achieve my goals. I will let nothing stop me. A few bumps in the road, a few traces of the past coming along, a sense of security being shifted, will not stop me.

I will work my ass off and get my damn phone back, even if I have to pay full price. I will work my ass off and get my permit, and get my licence before the year is out. I will get the classes I need, opened or not. I will keep up exercising, including upper body workouts because this is what I need to start getting in shape, not only for myself, but for my goals of riding, both motorcycles and bicycles, and mastering how to do 4 inch heels, as well as having full confidence in myself when I aim for those guys and girls who are a league above myself with their peak physical bodies and chiseled faces out of a wet dream. I will go after them, even more than I do right now because of the fact that I deserve the best of the best, including hooksups. I will do this, damnit. I will finish my goddamn book, no matter how much it hurts me, reminds me, I am so close. 40 more odd pages and I am done with it. I will finish and I will start pitching, I will actually give my all to getting it published and if it doesn't happen, I will spend the rest of my life doing it till I am a writer. I will re-start planning for grad school. This summer is my summer now. Summer, I am reclaiming you and taking you back from fate! Fate can just watch me because she hasn't seen anything yet.

I am 23 years old, it's time for this to be my summer, no matter how much it burned and turn to ashes. I will rise up and make it my summer, whatever is left of it. Weeks left till school comes in, and I got to get ready.

I will become the person I already am, again, and even better. My summer. My life. Mine. I will do this because I know myself and I know my potential. My potential is endless. Summer better be ready, because I am going to rape these last days with my ambitions. Here I come.

Let's just add one more thing, why not?!

I can't relate to her anymore.

& My attempts at relating are shut down and washed out by the sound of her constant TV blaring through my wall.

I'm trying to be her older sister, and for once, would like to talk to her about more than just what problem she couldn't figure out on her homework.

-_- & I wish she would come with me sometimes on my jog so that her body wouldn't become even more grotesquesly huge. If she was a guy, this would be great, but she's a girl. & she will be teased & have body images issues all her life, if she isn't careful.

I'm going to go on my jog now and cuss out my ineptness at motivation & relating

x___x

Morning

Fuck you subconscious! I will NOT let you ruin my day. Not today. Today is MINE.

Fuck you dreams, with your lingering emotions, playing it out when I'm at my most vulnerable, when I can't do anything about the thoughts. The images.

The fact that in my dream. He was standing right there. In line. Next to me. He was waiting for me. He was holding a magazine, and we were waiting to go into the movies so we could see something together.

-_-

No wonder why I sleep late, to wake up late. I do this to myself. So that for at least a few minutes, I can remember him clearly without any emotional fucktardary bugging me. So I can just enjoy him the way we were. & just hold it there, and wake and remember it was just a dream. & That's all it will be.

I still see him when I'm sleeping. That's not fair. It reminds me.

& I need to wake up. I need to write.

These feelings

Of dislocation, of restlessness, of dissatisfaction with my life, they went away. For the whole of one day. But they come and go now. In my solitude they haunt me. The feeling that I'm not living life like I should. I was very very happy just last week, happy with everything and everyone and having really good days, really happy days. Somehow over the weekend, it started going to shit. Even though nothing change. I hope I'm just having an off week or something because I want to feel like I use to; happy.

Dislocation? Restlessness? What is this?

Why do I feel like this? Tonight, it slowly started sinking in, maybe I'm just tired? I just want to drop everything and leave. Travel. Do something, be someone else instead of who I am. I don't know what lead to this and it's freaking me out a bit. I have so much going on, and most days I'm happy, really happy, content to be with myself, but there are moments, rare like this when I can't seem to get my focus on anything. >_> WTF? I don't like feeling restless, feeling like I'm not doing anything with my life, I know I am, then why do I feel like this? Maybe I just need a day to myself? I'm going to try to give homework another shot, if not I'm going to sleep.