Echoes

Why do I miss him?

Why is that sometimes I'm at a certain place, eating something, looking at something for me, to explore as a person, to shop, to experience, enjoying myself & suddenly out of nowhere, I get this thought like a tiny bomb went off in my fucking head.

"He would love that song like I do & would enjoy it throughly in the car with me."

"He would have made him silly sick with this food I just ate."

"He would have love what I just did."

>_>

It's over. I've move on to a point I think, & yet he still lingers. Will he always linger? Or will he just fade into the background once I find a relationship & not a hookup. I'm glad for the experience of what he put me through, I appreciate that I knew what was a relationship. I don't regret any of our time together, the good & the bad. He helped me realized what to do, or not to do anymore when it comes to relationships & after it, I just realized that the person i was with him was no one compare to the person I am now.

He'll always be my first boyfriend, my first love, but beyond that I wish that any yearning for him would just go away. I don't want to miss him anymore. I know that I don't need to, that I'm beyond that. I believe it's just that connection that I made. The fact that I really thought he was my forever & was dead set upon it. The fact that I would be one of the few lucky girls to be able to say that my first boyfriend was it for me, that I didn't date. That I love him so much that he decided to make me his wife. My dreams changed to fit the idea of a life we would build together.

I had a hope on the bottom of my soul that one day, you would stay with me.

What can I say? Things changed, even though I didn't want to but it's over, & there's nothing left for me to do but to either live with it & myself or go out & make a new beginning. It takes all of my courage to put down the sexuality & honestly try to make that connection with another. I'm trying, I'm really trying now, I'm not ruling it out anymore. & I think if a certain guy here or one living in another city would look at me as beyond a friend, beyond what I can offer, would look at me romantically, then I know how much they would make me smile, they already do. With their text messages & surprise, I even got a call yesterday & my heart leaped out with a giddyness that can only be called heavily crushing on someone.

But that was yesterday, & at the rate I'm burning through guys, I can only trust the fact that as far as guys go, they'll be a new one I'm talking to next week. & that's okay.

But one day, one day I want to get up from the bed, the floor, the chair, the counter, wherever I end up having sex with the guy, & know that it wasn't just for sex.

That one day, I will actually again experience that feeling you get with sleeping with someone who has your heart, not just your body.

That maybe, one day. I will be able to sing softly to myself as I get dressed & he is off in the bathroom somewhere getting cleaned up. Sing softly a song of love, of hope, of falling in love, of trusting him, of feeling the same.

That I would love to love him.

An epiphany with a song.

Sometimes there is that gem of a song that you have been listening for years because it's a great song on it's own with a sweet beat and nice vocals. And then days, months, years past, and the song is still there being great but then you just find yourself in a place, on a night, listening to music and the song hits you. And it hits you again and again and the lyrics just grabbed at you, and you just find yourself relating and going, I never figured that one day I will be in a situation that I could sing this song with my actual heart behind it. and this was just a cool song and now it means the world. Now it describes me and I just wonder at how the songwriters knew. How they knew that people would find themselves relating to this and what had they gone through in order to be able to write down so well, to capture it, and to form it into a song that just makes you breathe and realized that yes, this song is you, and yes it is other people too in their own way, and that out of everything, that life goes on, and that you're not the only one with those feelings. And now finding myself there with those words. I get it.

Am I more than you bargained for yet
I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear
Cause that's just who I am this week
...
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song
...
Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team
...
Wishing to be the friction in her jeans
Isn't it messed up how I'm just dying to be him
...
We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it.
...
Just pull it. Just fucking pull it.
.

I can honestly say I get it. I actually relate, and not just fake relate to it like many teeny-boopers middle schoolers who related to the love game, or who wanted to make a bad romance. No, you don't you're only 11-12 years old, and you don't know what it's like to be a dancer in the dark, and if you do. I'm sorry, but I'm not talking about the exception, I'm talking about the majority, the normal girls.

But I can honestly say that I relate to those lyrics. :/ And I had my motherfucking epiphany, sitting here, typing up my homework, and the song comes on and I'm listening to it, singing along, not even paying much attention to the lyrics when I hear that, I'm (he's) just a notch on your bedpost and he is, you're (I am) just a line in the song, I really am.

If it comes to anything, that is just what he is going to be, and all my potential might be just that but I'm just letting this out. just writing it out, get it out of my system. Because I'm just going to take it as it comes, and let the chips fall where they will, and I'll be right there to step it up.