Echoes

Why do I miss him?

Why is that sometimes I'm at a certain place, eating something, looking at something for me, to explore as a person, to shop, to experience, enjoying myself & suddenly out of nowhere, I get this thought like a tiny bomb went off in my fucking head.

"He would love that song like I do & would enjoy it throughly in the car with me."

"He would have made him silly sick with this food I just ate."

"He would have love what I just did."

>_>

It's over. I've move on to a point I think, & yet he still lingers. Will he always linger? Or will he just fade into the background once I find a relationship & not a hookup. I'm glad for the experience of what he put me through, I appreciate that I knew what was a relationship. I don't regret any of our time together, the good & the bad. He helped me realized what to do, or not to do anymore when it comes to relationships & after it, I just realized that the person i was with him was no one compare to the person I am now.

He'll always be my first boyfriend, my first love, but beyond that I wish that any yearning for him would just go away. I don't want to miss him anymore. I know that I don't need to, that I'm beyond that. I believe it's just that connection that I made. The fact that I really thought he was my forever & was dead set upon it. The fact that I would be one of the few lucky girls to be able to say that my first boyfriend was it for me, that I didn't date. That I love him so much that he decided to make me his wife. My dreams changed to fit the idea of a life we would build together.

I had a hope on the bottom of my soul that one day, you would stay with me.

What can I say? Things changed, even though I didn't want to but it's over, & there's nothing left for me to do but to either live with it & myself or go out & make a new beginning. It takes all of my courage to put down the sexuality & honestly try to make that connection with another. I'm trying, I'm really trying now, I'm not ruling it out anymore. & I think if a certain guy here or one living in another city would look at me as beyond a friend, beyond what I can offer, would look at me romantically, then I know how much they would make me smile, they already do. With their text messages & surprise, I even got a call yesterday & my heart leaped out with a giddyness that can only be called heavily crushing on someone.

But that was yesterday, & at the rate I'm burning through guys, I can only trust the fact that as far as guys go, they'll be a new one I'm talking to next week. & that's okay.

But one day, one day I want to get up from the bed, the floor, the chair, the counter, wherever I end up having sex with the guy, & know that it wasn't just for sex.

That one day, I will actually again experience that feeling you get with sleeping with someone who has your heart, not just your body.

That maybe, one day. I will be able to sing softly to myself as I get dressed & he is off in the bathroom somewhere getting cleaned up. Sing softly a song of love, of hope, of falling in love, of trusting him, of feeling the same.

That I would love to love him.