Like I could get any worse.

I just wrote this ridiculously long, blowing off steam blog that included math, frustrations, and new selfish revelations, only to have the error message pop up after I pressed publish post button.

Thanks blogger for making my day so much better! *sacarm drips* Thank you for letting me realized how life can get so much better <_<

Pfft. I'm not rewriting it. it doesn't matter anymore because I don't give a fuck.

Just point me to the direction of the nearest stupidest, death wish I can do and let me go my way.

& Yes I am looking at you riders, who's going to take me doing 147 mph on the freeway with no gear on and just holding onto you for safety? :D


I should just let go.

But if I do then I might miss you, babe.

unexpectedly found myself wanting to lose the game.

Guess he wants to play.

He wants to play our lovegame.

Don't think too much...

Just one thing.

They say she needs to slow down

He gave me hope. It's as simple as that. It's why I went denying that I wasn't obsessive, just curious. Just because he gave me hope. Hope that maybe this guy might actually want to date me, maybe. So I allowed myself to feel something beyond lust. Totally my fault, should have waited a bit, see what would developed, but I was just so damn happy. SO happy to be called pretty for once, bonita, linda, the difference between the two is that linda is more personal, and the difference was how I felt about it.

For that day, that moment. It meant something. It meant more than any comment I've received because I thought he was just using a bit of the old southern charm on me, just playing the gentleman card, saying before me, opening doors offering me what he was drinking (I refused). And before I knew it in the time frame of 40 minutes. I was attached. Attached to that idea of me and him, maybe. It's not that I was expecting a relationship, more just like a date or two, maybe a few texts, a friend, nothing serious, but fast. A friends with benefits with having the potential to be something more.

And I just need to get it out of my system. I need to exhaust the topic and thoughts of him and just let him go.And I think part of my problem is that when it comes to love, lust. I either go all the way, (most cases yes) or I don't. I was looking at my past blogs and read how I've been blogging about him since December when he was the elusive picture of my exhookup's friend who was nice, sweet. I wrote how I just wanted to talk to him, get to know him, how I knew it made NO SENSE, that I didn't have a chance in the world because he's the friend of a hookup and now Look at me. He's free game and I have his number and back then, that's all I wanted, his number. And he has mine, and he hasn't called, and stupid of me to even think that he would call, and he did, once and I Missed it. I was in the shower. And would I be in a different place if I had not been and answered? Would I know the truth? he hasn't call, and he isn't calling (me back again), and he's moving FAST on the track to being a number. just another hookup, to meet, and do, and forget. And I'm not afriad of it anymore if he is because I'm already getting dissattached.

What I am afraid of is what if he is interested in me but because he doesn't know me, is too chicken shit to make a move. This is what I wrote about him once; SO what if I like him? What if I slept with friend? So! What if I'm delusional enough to want to get to know him. What if I have the balls enough to ask hookup#9 about his friend. I'm going to look forward to this, whatever it develops into, if at all.
And just because i play the game, doesn't mean I rule myself out for the ability to settle down either. Doesn't mean I rule out crushing on someone for who they are, not what they;re like.

And I just have to see where it goes, but that's me keeping hope. 8 School Days including today is all the time I'm giving him. Then I'm going into the game myself, no more waiting.

Just don't.

I'm acting out against my own stupidity. About to make another mistake, one I will regret. Breaking another rule just because I developed a crush on the friend of my hookup and hating myself for it does not mean that I have to act out against it and find myself some even more extreme action to get my mind off it.

The extreme action: a married man. and he keeps talking to me.

I keep thinking of who am I becoming. Flirting with a married man. How stupid have I become and I just hate my ex for making me into this person. By making me feel so insecure about myself that I need to feel that I have to prove to myself that I can do this, can do that, prove that I can be anyone I want to be and have anyone I want, including married men and women.

Just because he left me for her. Just like the song, nothing can save me now.

and the only hope I had to redeem myself, I only fuck it up by hooking up with his friend. FML. the girlfriend was right, just like always. And I hate it.

I just hope that after I come out of this, by myself, that the people important to me will still be here, no matter how much I fuck up, or more precisecly who I fuck.

I don't need to be judged. I judge myself. i admit to my mistakes, harder on myself than the words of anyone else because it hurts. hurts knowing I might have blown my chance at something by burning through the game. The point of the game is no attachment, so how did I end up liking his friend. -_-

I'm just going to fade out into my books. Fini.

Rules

" Game?


Game.


Play.


The Game


Play It Well. "


Page 81 of Glass- by Ellen Hopkins. Truth.