Educate yourself!

Really? Was that comment really necessary?

I can't believe you took what was said in plain amusements & fun & just made it to shit?

I know you haven't been in a serious relationship before but that's no excuse to throw shit at other people's relationships.

I wish you, & a few other people I know, turn off the damn tv for once & pick up a few books & read & see relationships from the other side of the story. Maybe then you would understand. Maybe then you would be able to understand that you're need to aggravate people comes from the green eye jealousy monster of what you don't have.


& honey, the way in which you are looking for it is not going to bring you any results. Don't be looking for a +10 when you're only a 5. But forget that, the way in which your mind is close, the way you are critical of every flaw, of every appearance, of every single thing, well hon, it just explains why you're alone.

& No I am not alone because there is no one out there vying for me. I am alone because I chose to be.

Please, just grow up & open your mind! educate yourself!!!

you & the rest of the world with issues, because guess what! they're all found in books & have been written about over & over.

I just wish people like you instead of going to the library to use the internet/printer/DVDs would might actually get lost in the aisles and check out a book. FOR ONCE!

NO No No NO >_>

Why did I have to be dragged there out all places? Oh that's right I needed to get a book for class from the library & on the way back, we had to stop and shop at that freaking store. & i thoguht I could handle it.

I didn't handle it at all.

I nearly broke down.

Nearly started crying a few times, hiccuping. Simply because I saw the similar shade of dirty blond, or the tall lanky build of my ex.

tried so very hard to just shop & enjoy & not remember. But it's his favorite store & the odds of bumping into him went up through the freaking skylight. & I tried SO HARD & still I couldn't relax. Couldn't tell myself to move the fuck on, that he wasn't there & hopefully wont be there. had to concentrate on my own breathing because the tension of the perhaps was too real in the back of my head. Try to relax myself with my gibberish mantra. try to tell myself, I'm wearing my docs, I can outrun and hit anyone hard with them. But I couldn't and might as well been dead weight for all that I did in the store.

I can't go to that store, I will NOT be dragged to it anymore.

& just when we're leaving & I'm breathing a sign of relief from being so damn tense. so damn on the lookout, to be ready to run away in case I bump into him or any of his fuck up family & bullshit friends. Sammie starts talking to me & I don't even hear what she says until she pokes me and asks me why my hands are shaking.

& thank gawd my mom was busy with Emmy because if she had noticed what SAM pointed out to me she would have been all over me, interrogating. She was already prissy at me because I was in a bad mood & kept asking me why & the only thing I could say is I hate this walmart. I'm still affected by him & i shouldn't be. No wonder why I can't find what I want. Fml.

No I know what I wanted for the longest time, for him to come back to me but I can't have that. Won't. Can't. No. Fml. How could he have gotten so close? -__-

I was having such a sweet day too.



I'm home now & just realized I've been nervous eating. -___- that's not going to help. I'm going to watch TV.

Curious

Music never ceases to amaze me. How one song might change the whole outlook for you on that day.

How one song makes you never want to stop dancing around in your room like a maniac.

How one song brings back memories that define you.

How one song makes you want to grab the nearest hottie & make you want to just get down to the dirty deed right there.

How one song inspires to keep dreaming when those dreams seem stupid.

& How one song gives you hope. & reminds you that there is hope, always, hope, & to not give up on that hope because if you do give up, you set yourself up to fail before even trying.

A long time ago there was a girl with big dreams

& it was me. While most girls dream of their prom dates, their first kiss, I was dreaming of something else. Making promises on my birthday, saying that this year I will do this or this, that counted far more than any new year resolution.

& I promise myself to make all my dreams come true. Girls my age were more into thinking about what they were going to do for summer break or who would be their next high school love, and I was dreaming of being a writer, of being a librarian, of living in cities I read about. & this afternoon I remembered how I wasn't going to stay still. How I wasn't going to be my cousins and live forever and a day with their parents and grow old and bitter underneath the fact that they never found their one true love to settle down with & have kids with or the realization that they never found their passion.

I remember how I used to have a list of places I wanted to live in my old livejournal account. Places I've been to, lived in through the pages of books I read. Cities so alive, with people and mannerisms that just breathe curiousity and made me wish so bad that I was 10 years older, age 25, and a woman with a self supporting job that needs no man to be desire financially or anyone, and had the choice to live anywhere I wanted to.

One of those cities was Sacramento. The Camellia Capital of the world with its festivals. Another was Half-Moon Bay, just outside of San Francisco. Coronado Island, San Diego, which I love so much that I based a tiny bit of my book in. Not just california cities either. The Sno-Isles, Washington. Boston. Barrington, Rhode Island. Savannah. New Orleans, New York. Vero beach, Florida. Every region I wanted to explore, including the south (YES MIKKO THE SOUTH & YOU KNOW THIS! & I DON"T CARE IF I HAVE TO BRIBE THE HELL OUT OF YOU TO COME VISIT ME. You are going to visit me WHEREVER I END UP. Please? xD) just so many places, the allure of how it was presented to me in books, just called to me and it would be a way to get to know the US in it's beauty and ugliness. & this wasn't limited to the US. I wanted to travel the world, to really be a traveler, not just a tourist, most of the time when I pictured myself living overseas I saw West Europe in its enchanting siren song it called to make me feel uneducated. & now I know I can actually do it. I feel like everyday I wake up more. I become more aware of the person I used to be, & how I used to think to hell with everybody who would try to stop it. & to hell with love, I was much too busy to even think of kisses and hand holding and then guess what, someone fell in love with me. & I experienced it and I lost it, and it hurt me. It changed who I was. & I found it was wonderful, & it leaves me wondering whether that's it. Whether my ex would be the love story of my life, and I would be forever the woman telling of how her greatest love happened when she was too young to realized it, and it ended tragically cliche. & sometimes I still reel from that. Like last night, it just hurt, and it was my own fault because of the certain scene I was writing in the book, and how sometimes, writing, and listening to songs, and even reading or certain conversations had those echoes and I know it's time to move the fuck on, just get over him, and for the most part I am, it's just sometimes I am reminded & now that I'm remembering who I am, this curious little girl who wanted to know everything, read everything, get to know what the world had out there, and how I was going to conquer it, I realized that in my endeavor with love and relationships, just how much I lost of myself in that relationship & I promise, when I do get in a relationship & I know I will because I am going to want to date eventually, I will not forget myself. Not forget my dreams. Not going to sacrifice myself again in hopes of retaining another person. I don't need to sacrifice who I am for another person, they should like me, and not required myself to mold so much into their life that I forget what is my passion. & I promise myself, even before I became that person, that I would NEVER changed myself for a guy. Never say never, I became exactly the type of woman that I always wonder why the hell were they so stupid, so blind to themselves and let their boyfriends treat them however. Well I know why now, it was for love & at the time I would say it was worth it. I knew love, and now I know love lost, & I try to live with the knowledge of it that experiencing that does make me a better person and I make promises, so many promises, not to be that woman, not again. To be the best person I can be and live to the fullest reality of my dreams.

I know better.

& time makes it harder.




I wish I could remember.




but I keep your memory.




You visit me in my sleep...

Let's hope it lasts for more than one day

Today I found myself dreaming those dreams of old.

& I remember what it was like before when I would dream of my future. A cozy little home, my career, a little car, everything just for me because I didn't need no mansion because it would be just me. A garden. Wind chimes and a little seasonal flag in the front. Maybe a small cemented pond, if the climate was right. A house in a city I never lived before, and moving frequently, every few years. exploring the people of the country, and out of it.

But it was always me. Because I didn't expect anyone. Didn't expect a prince charming. Even in my dreams, when I would take off on vacation, it was just me and my books. Maybe a few friends along the way, but ultimately I was the one walking around the ruins of Rome and buying gelato off the street by myself.

I didn't need anyone, didn't dream of anyone, of finding that person just for me.

& this is how I ended up writing a nearly 400 page novel in under 2 years once I got serious about it.

It was because I depended on me and in my solitude I would be find happiness, content, and I found myself dreaming of that house, a place to call my own again. No relationship needed and I don't know whether that means I am jaded or just content and selfish enough for it to be just me once more.

& the dream of Cp has never changed at all, just strayed to the back of my mind.

It feels like I'm finally waking up, snapping out of it. I see what's vital to me, and now it's to hell with what everyone else thinks. Just like I used to be.

A few things have changed about my dream though, but mostly materialistic. There are things I would buy now that I would never before even hope to touch because I was afraid of my secret desire for it.

Also, I realized I wouldn't be that much of a loner as I used to dream of before. That instead of me coming home to my house, it might be me at home, cooking, and my friends dropping in at all hours just because they want to see me. & they know I'll feed them lol. & before when I thought I would move far far away from my family as I can, i realized I still want to do that, but for different reasons, before it was just to get away from them so I could have complete freedom and now it just so I can prove to myself I can live without them.

As well I could myself having affairs, & know now full well that guys ARE (very...yes I'm a vain whore) attracted to me, when before I thought that they would just overlook me because that's how it was. But I realized I could have as many as I want, really, it's about the confidence within me that draws them, that and I know not to hide beneath the baggy hoodies no more.

Funny how after all these years, I dream the same dreams, only with a bit modification, but that's okay. I hope I wouldn't be the same person I was so desperately that I both changed and didn't change completely.

I remember now, and I just hope I won't forget myself again.

I rarely say this *RANT*

This is stupid. like truly very stupid. I can't believe I actually grew insecure about myself because you didn't accept my friend request. & I Know you saw it. I Know you have 190 other friends, and the only reason you didn't accept it is not because your a hypocrite who is nice in person, actually went dancing with me, but now I realized the truth.

The only reason you went butting in and shuffling off is not because you wanted to, but because you're a selfish woman, and didn't want your precious nephew getting too closed to me.

Like if I could ever hurt him.

I should have realized this sooner. I would have never wanted to be your friend anyway. it wasn't like i was doing any harm, you have plenty of fake friends on your own and I hope they think you're worth nothing but your money. No but it took my mom, that the only reason you show interest in joining us, then making us leave early, THEN deciding for your nephew to just drop me off at home instead of dropping you off first, so that him and I could cruising (And no, he wasn't tired, and a guy smiling that way at me with his eyes would say (and I could have sworn he wink at me when he said crusing, but it was dark so I'm not sure) and he only took me home because you started in on "take me home, I'm tired", then you should have never butted in and gone out in the first place.

I didn't realized the type of person you were. & i didn't realized how stupid I was to care if you like who I was or not, and how insecure you made me feel for a bit when I realized you didn't accept my friend request.

Who did you think I was? Did you think I was a gold digger? Are you that much overprotective of your nephew/niece (and only them two, not your other two nieces who you don't hang out with because obviously they don't share the same interests that you do in high end fashions, or because they can't shuffle either, or is it much simpler in the fact that you don't feel the need to not make it obvious that you play favorites, and don't need to spend time with them because they don't fit the image of what a person should be like or look like, or ambitions, is it possible, gasp!, is it possible that you don't hang with them because they're obese, and gasp, you're not, you and your niece, and your nephew are the equivalent of a perfect size 6,7, 8 max. Listen bitch, just because they're obese doesn't mean their not people either >_>

Listen wench. I have never wanted to insult a person I hardly knew (except for numbers but that's different) so throughly. I see you on his update and I just want to spit at the floor, look at your photo, and say fuck you. FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.

I know myself and if you don't think I'm good enough for your nephew, for your niece, hell for yourself, I wasn't asking for your hand in marriage, just a freaking simple friend request, I only spent the whole day with you, and the evening, I thought you might actually give a flying fuck about staying connected, especially since you let it dropped that you traveled alot for work, and were here all the time for conventions and shit. And I am not a freaking gold digger, I'm not that pretty and if I was, I sure as hell wouldn't be studying to be a librarian. OR I wouldn't have been with my ex, who came from the slums, and is still there (& I know you'll stay there fucker!!!)

No wonder why I was so thrown off when your nephew stopped talking to me. He was texting me the whole morning and into the afternoon the day after, and he just stopped because of you. I could just hear you telling him not to think about that girl, that she only wants you for your money, that she's not interested in who you are. Bullshit. & she probably does it for every girl you might even have an inkling to like, no wonder you don't have a girlfriend, or your sister doesn't have a boyfriend either, and ha, big surprise, you bitch are alone, and you're old too. Ha.

BUT despite that, the thing that just makes me rage is how could you? How could you play favorites and show it so clearly? Sure you can't connect well with everyone, (apparently) but your other nieces? They all live in the same house, they all see when you come by to pick them up, and they see how you leave without them. & not just for the afternoon or special days, but every single week, twice a week at least, and not just to go out to eat but to freaking everywhere, travel the country, out of the country, Europe... How could you??? Your sister had more than two kids, bitch and no it's not due to age difference, because they're only a year younger than their siblings. Damn you for that. Sure you can't take them dancing, but movies? Everyone likes movies, I'm sure going out for ice cream won't hurt your precious bank account, it doesn't matter, even the damn park. Just make an effort, not for me, screw me, I wouldn't want so possessive of an aunt in my family anyway, but for them. You're hurting them because it's so obvious you prefer their siblings. You should just give them a chance, even if they are fat, you superficial bitch. It's your family, it's not even my family, and yet they consider me family because I gave them a chance, i talked to them more than "how you doing?" "fine" "Oh that's good, bye". they're amazing people. & you think I'm superficial. ha.

It's people like you that just fuels my anger into getting publish so I can shove it down your damn throat, idiot. & I just hope HOPE that you don't influence your nephew (because it's too late for your fav niece) into becoming just like you, old, bitter, and alone, because you thought everyone was out to get you and your damn money and screw you over. Not everyone is out to screw you over, but by thinking that, you actually drive the ones who aren't away. Whatever, you can float in your own stupidity and I hope you're happy with your bank account and that it loves you just as much as you love it because you don't have anyone else. cunt.

no subject.

BLANK.

Pop damn

I'm trying. I really am.

I swear I am. With my whole heart to just forget. But I can't stop. I hate how I feel.
How stupid it is. How high schoolish. How it's that whole story of "he likes her, she doesn't, she likes someone else." and boo fucking hoo.

I said it so many times before. Just stop. Don't. Forget about guys, relationships. Concentrate on your writing. Don't let your writing go. Don't worry.

and what am I doing?

I can't sleep. And I would LOVE to tell you that it's because I'm typing away at my book, but it's not.

it's because someone is on my mind.

-_- fml.

frustration.

I'm fine. Don't mind me.

What's wrong with me???

Oh yeah I know what it is or rather whom.

-___- You know what? I don't even feel like blogging it out. I'm just going to go back to writing my book.