Let's hope it lasts for more than one day

Today I found myself dreaming those dreams of old.

& I remember what it was like before when I would dream of my future. A cozy little home, my career, a little car, everything just for me because I didn't need no mansion because it would be just me. A garden. Wind chimes and a little seasonal flag in the front. Maybe a small cemented pond, if the climate was right. A house in a city I never lived before, and moving frequently, every few years. exploring the people of the country, and out of it.

But it was always me. Because I didn't expect anyone. Didn't expect a prince charming. Even in my dreams, when I would take off on vacation, it was just me and my books. Maybe a few friends along the way, but ultimately I was the one walking around the ruins of Rome and buying gelato off the street by myself.

I didn't need anyone, didn't dream of anyone, of finding that person just for me.

& this is how I ended up writing a nearly 400 page novel in under 2 years once I got serious about it.

It was because I depended on me and in my solitude I would be find happiness, content, and I found myself dreaming of that house, a place to call my own again. No relationship needed and I don't know whether that means I am jaded or just content and selfish enough for it to be just me once more.

& the dream of Cp has never changed at all, just strayed to the back of my mind.

It feels like I'm finally waking up, snapping out of it. I see what's vital to me, and now it's to hell with what everyone else thinks. Just like I used to be.

A few things have changed about my dream though, but mostly materialistic. There are things I would buy now that I would never before even hope to touch because I was afraid of my secret desire for it.

Also, I realized I wouldn't be that much of a loner as I used to dream of before. That instead of me coming home to my house, it might be me at home, cooking, and my friends dropping in at all hours just because they want to see me. & they know I'll feed them lol. & before when I thought I would move far far away from my family as I can, i realized I still want to do that, but for different reasons, before it was just to get away from them so I could have complete freedom and now it just so I can prove to myself I can live without them.

As well I could myself having affairs, & know now full well that guys ARE (very...yes I'm a vain whore) attracted to me, when before I thought that they would just overlook me because that's how it was. But I realized I could have as many as I want, really, it's about the confidence within me that draws them, that and I know not to hide beneath the baggy hoodies no more.

Funny how after all these years, I dream the same dreams, only with a bit modification, but that's okay. I hope I wouldn't be the same person I was so desperately that I both changed and didn't change completely.

I remember now, and I just hope I won't forget myself again.