NO No No NO >_>

Why did I have to be dragged there out all places? Oh that's right I needed to get a book for class from the library & on the way back, we had to stop and shop at that freaking store. & i thoguht I could handle it.

I didn't handle it at all.

I nearly broke down.

Nearly started crying a few times, hiccuping. Simply because I saw the similar shade of dirty blond, or the tall lanky build of my ex.

tried so very hard to just shop & enjoy & not remember. But it's his favorite store & the odds of bumping into him went up through the freaking skylight. & I tried SO HARD & still I couldn't relax. Couldn't tell myself to move the fuck on, that he wasn't there & hopefully wont be there. had to concentrate on my own breathing because the tension of the perhaps was too real in the back of my head. Try to relax myself with my gibberish mantra. try to tell myself, I'm wearing my docs, I can outrun and hit anyone hard with them. But I couldn't and might as well been dead weight for all that I did in the store.

I can't go to that store, I will NOT be dragged to it anymore.

& just when we're leaving & I'm breathing a sign of relief from being so damn tense. so damn on the lookout, to be ready to run away in case I bump into him or any of his fuck up family & bullshit friends. Sammie starts talking to me & I don't even hear what she says until she pokes me and asks me why my hands are shaking.

& thank gawd my mom was busy with Emmy because if she had noticed what SAM pointed out to me she would have been all over me, interrogating. She was already prissy at me because I was in a bad mood & kept asking me why & the only thing I could say is I hate this walmart. I'm still affected by him & i shouldn't be. No wonder why I can't find what I want. Fml.

No I know what I wanted for the longest time, for him to come back to me but I can't have that. Won't. Can't. No. Fml. How could he have gotten so close? -__-

I was having such a sweet day too.



I'm home now & just realized I've been nervous eating. -___- that's not going to help. I'm going to watch TV.