I am going to stop blogging here. Starting tomorrow I am going to start writing somewhere else.
For a number of reasons but mainly because I am going to make a fresh start.
And it's going to be a simple kind of life.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
& then I forgot this.
What it was like to have an actual guy call.
Like talk on the phone. Not just text and to be able to have a conversation without going sexual, only light, verging on polite flirting.
I forgot what it was like. It's been so long because I don't/won't/can't answer the phone and am very selectively about who I talk to on the phone. Especially when it comes to guys.
Especially when it comes to my (potential) fuck buddies. But he called. He called me and I said fuck it, and decided to pick up, thinking he just wanted to hear my voice and make sure it was me, voice confirmation.
But it brought back memories.
And it was nice. I forgot about how nice it is. To have a guy just talk to you, no bullshit involved or before it starts and I realized this is the way it should have been, with Meaty. yeah, I admit it Mikko, and maybe this is why you logged in to see if I had any of my confessions. I didn't, because you already know how I wanted it to be with him, and then not.
But it doesn't matter, or maybe it does. Because he's still talking to me, and now we reached a point that I don't even know how to describe.
but this phone call, it reminded me so much. Of how I used to be. That girl. You know, when I was with someone. A girlfriend. A person. I've become so used to texts that are so removed from me, and then just being with a guy and not talking with him because we didn't exactly meet up to talk, that I forgot what it was like.
It's nice but I have to put it away now. It'll be another memory and I'll look back upon it as just that. Because if I allowed it to be much more than that, then it'll start to matter.
And he doesn't matter. And he won't.
But it was still nice. If only for a little while :) But I feel bad for my less fortunate friends who won't get this attention from guys because I don't know why. Either they attract the attention but are too picky, or they don't but only from guys who are not really guys but creepers, or they just get it from their ex, which is just a world of fuck up hurt waiting to happen, but they don't get it. I don't know why.
I never saw myself as particularly attractive. (Unless I'm being cocky) I mean look at me, I am overweight and still working on it when I hope I wouldn't be as much but life kinda took over and pushed away my jogging routine.
Maybe soon again when I will take it up. I have to, if I am going to be leg humping again. I want myself in the best shape possible for twisties.
I guess the point of this blog is that I have to remember what it's like being me. Completely me and happy with myself again. I forgotten that too. Was remembering. But then the schedule kicked in and I didn;t have time to be myself, to completely recovered from my last boyfriend. My ex. Yes it was short, so short of a time we were together, it seems crazy now to see how much I became attached to him. But at the time it wasn't and I let myself fall. Fall for him. Fall in love, and it hurt after the fact. Just broken hearted for a long time, and just made me really question. He said he would remembered long after I have moved on, what he didn't know is that I knew it would be the opposite. He would be with a girl first, and only mourn the relationship a few days, a week at most, and I would still be trying to get over it.
Just because I was attached, and this is why I don't like to get attached because when I do get attached, I do it (to quote my cousins) FOR REALS.
I do it FOR REALS. No half assing it. I go all the way and give over my heart, love shouldn't be half ass. Not one bit. Which is why I'm selective and chose to fuck around than date.
I say I can't date because of my parents but that's not the whole truth. It just adds to it. I really don't date because it tends to mess with my head. My heart. Am I scare? Yes. I don't want to put myself through it if I don't think the guy is worth it.
So I'll continue to fuck around and have as much fun as I can with guys and hopefully girls. I want girls. I wants lots of them. I want them to come to me, and I want to play and I want girls. But for right now, I'm going to concentrate on riding and getting through the night. Day. week.
Without remembering fuckface.
I thought I saw him today, making a turn. My heart JUMPED and I was so happy of the way I handled the truck even though my heart stopped. But then my second thought was "you're too poor to own that nice of a corvette." And I kept driving. but but but. Like any time that happens, he stayed in my mind.
He was my adoration. The love of my life. He hurt me so much that even now, some songs still reduce me to tears when I think about him.
But all I can do is toast to that fucker's fate and hope his life deteriorate daily and for one day, just once, I would like to laugh and have fate laugh with me when he sees me driving in a nice car, and before he realizes who it is, I want him to think- hot girl driving. Fucker. You thought I couldn't drive, you said so yourself, that I shouldn't drive, that I had a distracted personality, that I wouldn't be able to drive. That I was too "nervous". & I'm ashamed that I agree with you. that you would reduce my independence so much. fuck you and your shitty car, my car may not be new but it'll never break down on me like it does yours and is newer. Just wait, one day. I will get my own bike, fuck what anyone says, I will learn to ride, and you will have to owe up to the fact that you fucked up with me. OH & the reason why I have such a "distracted" personality is not because I can't control myself, oh no buddy, it's the opposite, it's because I am thinking a millions thoughts at a time.I am thinking thoughts that you can't even dream of because of your limited imagination due to your inability to have passion for anything outside of yourself and your puny paycheck and your car. Anything else in your head going on? Nope. No ambitions beyond slaving away at a crappy job for one good day of paintballing. Fucking idiot, and I'm not saying I'm better than you, but you will never understand what it's like to actually THINK. I have dozens of layered dreams, and guess what fucker? Most of them are coming true and if not, I am working on it and won't stopped till they are coming true.
YOU
Majorly fucked up. I was willing to give you everything and you knew it, and you threw it away for a little high school tramp. Fucking 15! You were 20 turning 21! Wtf were you thinking! Did she give you that good of a blow job? Was it because I was timid in giving you blow jobs? And the only reason why I was so timid was because you fucker, had a big dick. If you had given me damn time, I told you I was working on it. I never given blowjobs before you! I was a late bloomer, and only had 2 guys before you and one of them was the guy I lost my virginity to. Idiot. I was learning. Did that scare you? Knowing that I was always learning and intent on always doing so. Placing value in my education? Well, my education has gotten me to the point where the other day at work, when I ate a big banana, I got stared at. 3 stares and one guy who had to look back at me.
Yeah, I learned a few things. Fucking idiot. Your loss and I can't wait till you realized how well I did for myself. Am doing for myself.
...wow when did this turn into a rant?
X_X
Like talk on the phone. Not just text and to be able to have a conversation without going sexual, only light, verging on polite flirting.
I forgot what it was like. It's been so long because I don't/won't/can't answer the phone and am very selectively about who I talk to on the phone. Especially when it comes to guys.
Especially when it comes to my (potential) fuck buddies. But he called. He called me and I said fuck it, and decided to pick up, thinking he just wanted to hear my voice and make sure it was me, voice confirmation.
But it brought back memories.
And it was nice. I forgot about how nice it is. To have a guy just talk to you, no bullshit involved or before it starts and I realized this is the way it should have been, with Meaty. yeah, I admit it Mikko, and maybe this is why you logged in to see if I had any of my confessions. I didn't, because you already know how I wanted it to be with him, and then not.
But it doesn't matter, or maybe it does. Because he's still talking to me, and now we reached a point that I don't even know how to describe.
but this phone call, it reminded me so much. Of how I used to be. That girl. You know, when I was with someone. A girlfriend. A person. I've become so used to texts that are so removed from me, and then just being with a guy and not talking with him because we didn't exactly meet up to talk, that I forgot what it was like.
It's nice but I have to put it away now. It'll be another memory and I'll look back upon it as just that. Because if I allowed it to be much more than that, then it'll start to matter.
And he doesn't matter. And he won't.
But it was still nice. If only for a little while :) But I feel bad for my less fortunate friends who won't get this attention from guys because I don't know why. Either they attract the attention but are too picky, or they don't but only from guys who are not really guys but creepers, or they just get it from their ex, which is just a world of fuck up hurt waiting to happen, but they don't get it. I don't know why.
I never saw myself as particularly attractive. (Unless I'm being cocky) I mean look at me, I am overweight and still working on it when I hope I wouldn't be as much but life kinda took over and pushed away my jogging routine.
Maybe soon again when I will take it up. I have to, if I am going to be leg humping again. I want myself in the best shape possible for twisties.
I guess the point of this blog is that I have to remember what it's like being me. Completely me and happy with myself again. I forgotten that too. Was remembering. But then the schedule kicked in and I didn;t have time to be myself, to completely recovered from my last boyfriend. My ex. Yes it was short, so short of a time we were together, it seems crazy now to see how much I became attached to him. But at the time it wasn't and I let myself fall. Fall for him. Fall in love, and it hurt after the fact. Just broken hearted for a long time, and just made me really question. He said he would remembered long after I have moved on, what he didn't know is that I knew it would be the opposite. He would be with a girl first, and only mourn the relationship a few days, a week at most, and I would still be trying to get over it.
Just because I was attached, and this is why I don't like to get attached because when I do get attached, I do it (to quote my cousins) FOR REALS.
I do it FOR REALS. No half assing it. I go all the way and give over my heart, love shouldn't be half ass. Not one bit. Which is why I'm selective and chose to fuck around than date.
I say I can't date because of my parents but that's not the whole truth. It just adds to it. I really don't date because it tends to mess with my head. My heart. Am I scare? Yes. I don't want to put myself through it if I don't think the guy is worth it.
So I'll continue to fuck around and have as much fun as I can with guys and hopefully girls. I want girls. I wants lots of them. I want them to come to me, and I want to play and I want girls. But for right now, I'm going to concentrate on riding and getting through the night. Day. week.
Without remembering fuckface.
I thought I saw him today, making a turn. My heart JUMPED and I was so happy of the way I handled the truck even though my heart stopped. But then my second thought was "you're too poor to own that nice of a corvette." And I kept driving. but but but. Like any time that happens, he stayed in my mind.
He was my adoration. The love of my life. He hurt me so much that even now, some songs still reduce me to tears when I think about him.
But all I can do is toast to that fucker's fate and hope his life deteriorate daily and for one day, just once, I would like to laugh and have fate laugh with me when he sees me driving in a nice car, and before he realizes who it is, I want him to think- hot girl driving. Fucker. You thought I couldn't drive, you said so yourself, that I shouldn't drive, that I had a distracted personality, that I wouldn't be able to drive. That I was too "nervous". & I'm ashamed that I agree with you. that you would reduce my independence so much. fuck you and your shitty car, my car may not be new but it'll never break down on me like it does yours and is newer. Just wait, one day. I will get my own bike, fuck what anyone says, I will learn to ride, and you will have to owe up to the fact that you fucked up with me. OH & the reason why I have such a "distracted" personality is not because I can't control myself, oh no buddy, it's the opposite, it's because I am thinking a millions thoughts at a time.I am thinking thoughts that you can't even dream of because of your limited imagination due to your inability to have passion for anything outside of yourself and your puny paycheck and your car. Anything else in your head going on? Nope. No ambitions beyond slaving away at a crappy job for one good day of paintballing. Fucking idiot, and I'm not saying I'm better than you, but you will never understand what it's like to actually THINK. I have dozens of layered dreams, and guess what fucker? Most of them are coming true and if not, I am working on it and won't stopped till they are coming true.
YOU
Majorly fucked up. I was willing to give you everything and you knew it, and you threw it away for a little high school tramp. Fucking 15! You were 20 turning 21! Wtf were you thinking! Did she give you that good of a blow job? Was it because I was timid in giving you blow jobs? And the only reason why I was so timid was because you fucker, had a big dick. If you had given me damn time, I told you I was working on it. I never given blowjobs before you! I was a late bloomer, and only had 2 guys before you and one of them was the guy I lost my virginity to. Idiot. I was learning. Did that scare you? Knowing that I was always learning and intent on always doing so. Placing value in my education? Well, my education has gotten me to the point where the other day at work, when I ate a big banana, I got stared at. 3 stares and one guy who had to look back at me.
Yeah, I learned a few things. Fucking idiot. Your loss and I can't wait till you realized how well I did for myself. Am doing for myself.
...wow when did this turn into a rant?
X_X
Monday, September 20, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Awake
His text hit me like a book to the head. It was a wake up call to my sleeping state.
He didn't say anything beyond YOU. Have got to stop sleeping at 3 am, and I know he meant it because he knows my schedule, and he knows how tired I am because of how much I work but but BUT I took it like a slap to the head. I am getting sloppy, and in my tight schedule, I can't afford fuckups.
No more sleeping at 3 am and if I do, it's because I finished everything or am working on my books.
No more sleeping at 3 am for other reasons, like staying up to talk to a guy I really like but won't tell.
Or staying up and talking bullshit with my friends.
No more 3 am.
No more fucking up.
I am cleaning up now.
and I have to go.
He didn't say anything beyond YOU. Have got to stop sleeping at 3 am, and I know he meant it because he knows my schedule, and he knows how tired I am because of how much I work but but BUT I took it like a slap to the head. I am getting sloppy, and in my tight schedule, I can't afford fuckups.
No more sleeping at 3 am and if I do, it's because I finished everything or am working on my books.
No more sleeping at 3 am for other reasons, like staying up to talk to a guy I really like but won't tell.
Or staying up and talking bullshit with my friends.
No more 3 am.
No more fucking up.
I am cleaning up now.
and I have to go.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Like I could get any worse.
I just wrote this ridiculously long, blowing off steam blog that included math, frustrations, and new selfish revelations, only to have the error message pop up after I pressed publish post button.
Thanks blogger for making my day so much better! *sacarm drips* Thank you for letting me realized how life can get so much better <_<
Pfft. I'm not rewriting it. it doesn't matter anymore because I don't give a fuck.
Just point me to the direction of the nearest stupidest, death wish I can do and let me go my way.
& Yes I am looking at you riders, who's going to take me doing 147 mph on the freeway with no gear on and just holding onto you for safety? :D
I should just let go.
Thanks blogger for making my day so much better! *sacarm drips* Thank you for letting me realized how life can get so much better <_<
Pfft. I'm not rewriting it. it doesn't matter anymore because I don't give a fuck.
Just point me to the direction of the nearest stupidest, death wish I can do and let me go my way.
& Yes I am looking at you riders, who's going to take me doing 147 mph on the freeway with no gear on and just holding onto you for safety? :D
I should just let go.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Let me rephrase that.
I am okay. I don't give a fuck about guys anymore. Girls, I need to try that out but
what I hope, what I really hope. What my secret confessions are about, what I wish for
every time that I passed the railroad tracks or it's 11:11, all my desires and hopes
are for my family/friends to be happy. Their happiness. At times, it's the only thing
that keeps me going. I may be having the shittiest of days, the longest day, my heart
might be breaking all day at the sight of couples and guys who will never be mine,
walking on by, and yet it just takes one phone call. one text message. one IM. One
song sung together and suddenly I am on top of the world, and basking in their lovely
light. And I feel love and that all is right in the world because they're here, by my
side and I don't need anything else, and it gives me hope. They give me hope,they
keep me alive, and looking forward to everything, they make me want to stay.
Suddenly I have found my sweet escape. <3
what I hope, what I really hope. What my secret confessions are about, what I wish for
every time that I passed the railroad tracks or it's 11:11, all my desires and hopes
are for my family/friends to be happy. Their happiness. At times, it's the only thing
that keeps me going. I may be having the shittiest of days, the longest day, my heart
might be breaking all day at the sight of couples and guys who will never be mine,
walking on by, and yet it just takes one phone call. one text message. one IM. One
song sung together and suddenly I am on top of the world, and basking in their lovely
light. And I feel love and that all is right in the world because they're here, by my
side and I don't need anything else, and it gives me hope. They give me hope,they
keep me alive, and looking forward to everything, they make me want to stay.
Suddenly I have found my sweet escape. <3
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