Turn around.

Life likes to play games.

I wrote this blog before. Too many times I've thought it. But now it's for a different person that I have in mind when I feel this.

I miss him.

I do. And it just kills me because I know he misses me too.

Would it be better if he was an asshole to me so I could forget more easily? Severe that connection?

It hurts because I know what I can do when I miss him like this. My phone is right there. He'll pick up. No matter what the time. He'll talk to me till I'm smiling into the phone.

Fuck.

I'm going to read and try to forget.

But I still miss him.

But I want more.

I was fine, laughing it out, laughing it off when Mikko is with me, talking to my friends, being happy, enjoying my books, loving my day and then night fell and I was reminded of how the clock tick away the hours so fast when I was on the phone with him and I missed our conversations.

I looked at your photos. I left you a comment and deleted it. I couldn't help myself. I told you a bit of what I wanted to say and then deleted my comment and I know you won't get it because you never check your notifications email, you just delete it like I do if you do check your email.

If letting go is what is good for us, then why do I put on the song that reminds me of us on repeat and sit here in front of my computer, writing, remembering, hoping to be carried away into my book and forget how my phone is silent these days like we both said it would be. If you knew me better, you would see how much pain this is giving me and how I'm trying to play it off. But you don't.

And tonight started out as being a very "So what" day, just having fun and going on being myself, same ol'Stephie, when in between texting others, I saw my phone light up out of the corner of my eye and was far enough to be able to make the familiar right number of characters on it that would have fitted your name and my heart jump. It just jump in happiness when for that one moment I thought it was you.

I thought it was you and when it was another friend of mine, my heart just drop. Just fucking stomp on it and finish the goddamn job because that false hope just hurt.

And I know if I'll call you'll answer. But seeing your facebook and how the girls that comment on their hurts too and it just finishes the job of an already broken heart because I know which ones are the ones who kissed you before and it just pushes me to leave you alone because as much as I try to think I held your heart, I wasn't the only one. Loyalty may hold no bonds with you even though you told me so many times that you're a one girl only type of guy and that you could NEVER even consider an open relationship.

And we've had our discussion about that, me going on about how it takes a special type of trust, a very insanely trust to form an open relationship but I would not considerate it, only if my partner wanted it. All our talks and how we held on as time raced by and now I'm just reminded and I want to so bad to say that 'I don't believe you...'

it looks like you've given up, you've had enough, but I want more...No I won't stop, because I just know you'll come around...right?

right?

no I don't believe you.

but it's happening. so I have to believe it.