If you had said to me when I was 13, 14, 15, 16, even 17, 18 that Nessarina, one of the most popular girls in HS was going to call me an hour before or so when I was 22 & invite me not only clubbing but offer to pick me up/drop me off, I would have asked what you were high & what kind of fuck up were you because only in my most innermost of dreams, could I even imagine that & i couldn't even fathom the fact that my parents would let me go & guess what
. It happened :D & I'm happy at how far i've come & yet hopeful, really hopeful of how far will I go & I know one thing is certain, despite any challenges, I am going to (or try to) have one hell of a good time getting there!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Don't compromise everything you are
When I was 21 years old to the day, my birthday. I did nothing for it. I spent the morning babysitting, and then Carolina showed up to do my hair. To make me so pretty & she did.
She did something to my hair, place it high in those oh so fashionable styles reserve for weddings and galas. She spent the whole morning with me. She did my makeup, putting on eyeliner which even though by then I was into makeup, but not as much as I am now. I was still getting the hang of it. So she did it. & we were happy. We were both in loved and waiting for our boyfriends to come home from work. & she wished me a happy birthday and left me with a hug and un beso.
I was dolled up and for my outfit, I wore the custom made polka dot dress my aunt made for me. She had cut out the fabric and everything and send it with all her love from LA.
I was complete with my little white heels which were new back then, shining with my red toe nail polish freshly done.
I put on pearls & was complete.
& then everyone came home, my parents bringing me a little cake from the store, my mom blowing up red balloons for me since they are my favorite in balloon colors.
That's when he made the entrance. I heard him from inside. I went out to him and his jaw dropped. I don't think he's ever seen me so beautiful. His parents and whole family were with him, doing I don't know what. They had caught up with him to tell him something. His dad check me out. His brother did. His best friend. I saw the way they looked at me & smile. But I only smile sweetly at him. He was still fresh from his work, smelling of chicken and flour. He took me right there, with his uniform on, food stains on his forearms, and in the classic movie ballroom dances, he dipped me and kiss me.
We didn't go anywhere, even though it was a milestone birthday. I don't think we did anything but sit around the kitchen and talk. I don't remember watching TV or even listening to music. I don't remember my presents. I was 21.
What I do remember was his playfulness. His kindness. The fact that he had made me canolis from scratch. The fact that he must have told me he love me, and that I was beautiful so many times that day, and that he was so very lucky, so lucky to have such a pretty litte future wife to go home to. His Mrs. Bunny.
It got late, ofcourse time didn't stop and he left. Left with promises of a weekend date which he fulfilled. He always kept his words and was never cheap, not with me. I forced him to be cheap because I knew he couldn't afford me. Couldn't afford to take me out to all the places we wish we could eat at. I didn't care. it wasn't about the money, I pitched in most of the time, & later was paying for everything. I didn't care. I was a good girlfriend. I told myself that. If I took care of him, not just financially but anyway I could. he would stay with me. & I wanted him to stay because I truly loved him. I just wish that when moved on without me, that he had given me one last kiss to remember him by. I try to recalled the last time we kiss & it's faded into a blurred of other times his lips met mine.
I miss him still, especially in the dark hours of the night. I yearn for him. Want him when I'm talking to others, try to put him out of my mind when some sweet nothings are being said to me in order to get me to give them what they want from me. They remind me & it hurts at times, but not so much anymore.
But I'm not losing hope, every day, every time I talk to someone new, I know that I am worthy of a person of better character. Of a guy who would stay because he cares for me, not just my body.
I only wore that dress, that outfit that day & once again I wore it when I went out with my friends.
I'm wearing it right now, such a pretty dress which I love so much shouldn't be kept in the closet. I'm pulling out all my old outfits that I used to wear when it was just me. Because they made me happy because I thought and still think, they're just grand, simply smashing, no matter what anyone else thinks or if they're not in a fashion trend anymore. I don't care.
It's time. My dresses, skirts, outfits, they can't stay in the closet forever. Neither can I, hiding behind my sexuality. Now I just need a way to find how to make a golden boy fall into infatuation with me, not just lust.
She did something to my hair, place it high in those oh so fashionable styles reserve for weddings and galas. She spent the whole morning with me. She did my makeup, putting on eyeliner which even though by then I was into makeup, but not as much as I am now. I was still getting the hang of it. So she did it. & we were happy. We were both in loved and waiting for our boyfriends to come home from work. & she wished me a happy birthday and left me with a hug and un beso.
I was dolled up and for my outfit, I wore the custom made polka dot dress my aunt made for me. She had cut out the fabric and everything and send it with all her love from LA.
I was complete with my little white heels which were new back then, shining with my red toe nail polish freshly done.
I put on pearls & was complete.
& then everyone came home, my parents bringing me a little cake from the store, my mom blowing up red balloons for me since they are my favorite in balloon colors.
That's when he made the entrance. I heard him from inside. I went out to him and his jaw dropped. I don't think he's ever seen me so beautiful. His parents and whole family were with him, doing I don't know what. They had caught up with him to tell him something. His dad check me out. His brother did. His best friend. I saw the way they looked at me & smile. But I only smile sweetly at him. He was still fresh from his work, smelling of chicken and flour. He took me right there, with his uniform on, food stains on his forearms, and in the classic movie ballroom dances, he dipped me and kiss me.
We didn't go anywhere, even though it was a milestone birthday. I don't think we did anything but sit around the kitchen and talk. I don't remember watching TV or even listening to music. I don't remember my presents. I was 21.
What I do remember was his playfulness. His kindness. The fact that he had made me canolis from scratch. The fact that he must have told me he love me, and that I was beautiful so many times that day, and that he was so very lucky, so lucky to have such a pretty litte future wife to go home to. His Mrs. Bunny.
It got late, ofcourse time didn't stop and he left. Left with promises of a weekend date which he fulfilled. He always kept his words and was never cheap, not with me. I forced him to be cheap because I knew he couldn't afford me. Couldn't afford to take me out to all the places we wish we could eat at. I didn't care. it wasn't about the money, I pitched in most of the time, & later was paying for everything. I didn't care. I was a good girlfriend. I told myself that. If I took care of him, not just financially but anyway I could. he would stay with me. & I wanted him to stay because I truly loved him. I just wish that when moved on without me, that he had given me one last kiss to remember him by. I try to recalled the last time we kiss & it's faded into a blurred of other times his lips met mine.
I miss him still, especially in the dark hours of the night. I yearn for him. Want him when I'm talking to others, try to put him out of my mind when some sweet nothings are being said to me in order to get me to give them what they want from me. They remind me & it hurts at times, but not so much anymore.
But I'm not losing hope, every day, every time I talk to someone new, I know that I am worthy of a person of better character. Of a guy who would stay because he cares for me, not just my body.
I only wore that dress, that outfit that day & once again I wore it when I went out with my friends.
I'm wearing it right now, such a pretty dress which I love so much shouldn't be kept in the closet. I'm pulling out all my old outfits that I used to wear when it was just me. Because they made me happy because I thought and still think, they're just grand, simply smashing, no matter what anyone else thinks or if they're not in a fashion trend anymore. I don't care.
It's time. My dresses, skirts, outfits, they can't stay in the closet forever. Neither can I, hiding behind my sexuality. Now I just need a way to find how to make a golden boy fall into infatuation with me, not just lust.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Morning
Fuck you subconscious! I will NOT let you ruin my day. Not today. Today is MINE.
Fuck you dreams, with your lingering emotions, playing it out when I'm at my most vulnerable, when I can't do anything about the thoughts. The images.
The fact that in my dream. He was standing right there. In line. Next to me. He was waiting for me. He was holding a magazine, and we were waiting to go into the movies so we could see something together.
-_-
No wonder why I sleep late, to wake up late. I do this to myself. So that for at least a few minutes, I can remember him clearly without any emotional fucktardary bugging me. So I can just enjoy him the way we were. & just hold it there, and wake and remember it was just a dream. & That's all it will be.
I still see him when I'm sleeping. That's not fair. It reminds me.
& I need to wake up. I need to write.
Fuck you dreams, with your lingering emotions, playing it out when I'm at my most vulnerable, when I can't do anything about the thoughts. The images.
The fact that in my dream. He was standing right there. In line. Next to me. He was waiting for me. He was holding a magazine, and we were waiting to go into the movies so we could see something together.
-_-
No wonder why I sleep late, to wake up late. I do this to myself. So that for at least a few minutes, I can remember him clearly without any emotional fucktardary bugging me. So I can just enjoy him the way we were. & just hold it there, and wake and remember it was just a dream. & That's all it will be.
I still see him when I'm sleeping. That's not fair. It reminds me.
& I need to wake up. I need to write.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
wow
I didn't realized how Moody I can be.
Wow. I'm happy now XD It comes and goes and hopefully it will stay
everything seems so less complicated today. & I got myself thinking clearly and what I need to do for myself. to hell with the guys. Guys will walk in & walk out of my life & I just have to remember one thing- Me
& do what I need to do for me to keep myself happy. I need no man to do that.
SO
Without further ado. I'm planning again. :)
Wow. I'm happy now XD It comes and goes and hopefully it will stay
everything seems so less complicated today. & I got myself thinking clearly and what I need to do for myself. to hell with the guys. Guys will walk in & walk out of my life & I just have to remember one thing- Me
& do what I need to do for me to keep myself happy. I need no man to do that.
SO
Without further ado. I'm planning again. :)
No me queda mas
Insane. It's always like this isn't it?
He's likes her. She doesn't. They start fucking around anyway. He still likes her. She likes someone else. That someone else likes her to a point, but also is confused, and would like to remain friends only because he doesn't want to push her away but his mind is on his ex and lingers there, no matter how hard she tries to make him forget. She can't blame him because if her ex contacted her in any way, she would still run run run to him and tell him, get on her knees and say, take me back, I love you. Because it's true. So she tries to forget that & tries to make him forget her. & yet the only person who remembers her is the guy she's fucking who is out of her mind the minute they're not doing it.
& she's ignoring another guy who just wants the burden of his inexperience lifted & she'll take it when he doesn't flake out, just because he was there for her, and continues to be there, whenever she needs him. She texts and he's like a little dog and jumps at it.
Ofocurse the one who she like the best isn't interested beyond sex because he just pulled a disappearing act on her. Totally and completely disappeared on her. & she knows why.He found a new sex toy, told her himself, said the sex was amazing but she bored him otherwise. Woopee for him. Guess the thrilling chemistry wasn't enough for him to make her stay on his mind. At least I never bored anyone.
& in between this, I still miss the one who nearly destroyed me. I just want to see his face. I just want to be able to kiss him. To have him hold me. To break down and cry in his arms. For him to tell me, she was a mistake. That it took him a year to realized that he loves me more than her. But it's bullshit. He's not coming back. I really loved him.
While I wonder about the fantasy guy.
Never mind the crushes that will never be happening.
O_O
When did I become this girl? What happened to the girl who's heart was full of pure intentions? Who didn't care to complicate anything? What happened to that girl who yearn for love with every ounce of her being. Who was in love with the idea of being in love.
Gone.
Just Gone.
He's likes her. She doesn't. They start fucking around anyway. He still likes her. She likes someone else. That someone else likes her to a point, but also is confused, and would like to remain friends only because he doesn't want to push her away but his mind is on his ex and lingers there, no matter how hard she tries to make him forget. She can't blame him because if her ex contacted her in any way, she would still run run run to him and tell him, get on her knees and say, take me back, I love you. Because it's true. So she tries to forget that & tries to make him forget her. & yet the only person who remembers her is the guy she's fucking who is out of her mind the minute they're not doing it.
& she's ignoring another guy who just wants the burden of his inexperience lifted & she'll take it when he doesn't flake out, just because he was there for her, and continues to be there, whenever she needs him. She texts and he's like a little dog and jumps at it.
Ofocurse the one who she like the best isn't interested beyond sex because he just pulled a disappearing act on her. Totally and completely disappeared on her. & she knows why.He found a new sex toy, told her himself, said the sex was amazing but she bored him otherwise. Woopee for him. Guess the thrilling chemistry wasn't enough for him to make her stay on his mind. At least I never bored anyone.
& in between this, I still miss the one who nearly destroyed me. I just want to see his face. I just want to be able to kiss him. To have him hold me. To break down and cry in his arms. For him to tell me, she was a mistake. That it took him a year to realized that he loves me more than her. But it's bullshit. He's not coming back. I really loved him.
While I wonder about the fantasy guy.
Never mind the crushes that will never be happening.
O_O
When did I become this girl? What happened to the girl who's heart was full of pure intentions? Who didn't care to complicate anything? What happened to that girl who yearn for love with every ounce of her being. Who was in love with the idea of being in love.
Gone.
Just Gone.
Friday, March 19, 2010
I guess it all worked out
The reason I'm not blogging much these days is because happiness with little trivial complications that are nothing, has decided to visit me.
I am happy.
This is my secret blog that turn into my rant against what the fuck is up with my world & what the fuck am I doing? But the longer I don't blog, the longer my happiness has decided to stay. I only hope that everyone else feels the warmth of what life can be too.
& that this feeling stays, and this blog should turn into my nauseating happiness as I gush about books, movies, and all the good stuff that life has to offer like funnel cakes and inside jokes. Memories. Beautiful memories that make up our lives, that make up our daily happiness.
Now all that I want to do is go back to my writing, it beckons me, and I have answered its call. So I'm happy.
I am happy.
This is my secret blog that turn into my rant against what the fuck is up with my world & what the fuck am I doing? But the longer I don't blog, the longer my happiness has decided to stay. I only hope that everyone else feels the warmth of what life can be too.
& that this feeling stays, and this blog should turn into my nauseating happiness as I gush about books, movies, and all the good stuff that life has to offer like funnel cakes and inside jokes. Memories. Beautiful memories that make up our lives, that make up our daily happiness.
Now all that I want to do is go back to my writing, it beckons me, and I have answered its call. So I'm happy.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Yeah
I miss him.
that fucker.
I miss him.
Idiot.
I'm trying so not to. But it's hard. difficult because with him it was never awkward. it was always so easy.
We fell into place with each other like if we never doubted our love for each other, or anything other was meant to be but us. & it was beautiful. & it's over.
& i need to let go. & move on. Just move on. Realized there's guys out there willing to love all of me. Not just my sexuality. & I need to honestly give them a chance before I shut them out by solving the issue by throwing sex at it. I need to actually try to maybe actually getting attached because I can't throw sex at it all my life just because I'm afraid.
that fucker.
I miss him.
Idiot.
I'm trying so not to. But it's hard. difficult because with him it was never awkward. it was always so easy.
We fell into place with each other like if we never doubted our love for each other, or anything other was meant to be but us. & it was beautiful. & it's over.
& i need to let go. & move on. Just move on. Realized there's guys out there willing to love all of me. Not just my sexuality. & I need to honestly give them a chance before I shut them out by solving the issue by throwing sex at it. I need to actually try to maybe actually getting attached because I can't throw sex at it all my life just because I'm afraid.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
It's always going to come right back to this.
I couldn't understand at first the impact of Who Knew got to you, couldn't understand why it was so dear to my best friend. It was just a good song. That was all to me at the time it came out but then I found myself in a place I thought I would never be.
& I understood. I heard it with my heart, not just my ears & it hurt. It hurt but it was necessary. & it wasn't Who Knew that got to me most of all. It was Please Don't Leave Me.
A song that had the potential to save my relationship, nearly did. & just like who knew, he promised me forever afterwards.
it was so simple & so stupid. We were fighting & he was at work & couldn't answer but he was almost out & the whole weekend we just were arguing. What about? I can't even remember but the only things I would raise shit about was the fact that he wasn't spending enough time with me. More & more I was alone & I could say I knew. I could say I felt it, knew that he was going to leave me. Knew about his girl three months before he left me for her, knew about her, just wove a complete fabrication of denial, total self delusion there to protect that what I knew from myself. Felt it coming & still told myself he would come back to me. She was just a toy. She wasn't. I knew & I trapped myself into thinking that denial & delusion was better. that everything was fine. it wasn't or else he would still be here.
I remember arguing, not even on the phone because he couldn't talk. He had hung on me & really what was the point of arguing over the phone? or arguing at all. I was alone. He never hung up on me, that just wasn't how it went with us, even during an argument. Either we settled it down & resolved it, and that was all there was to it. We always resolved it. & maybe it was because he did hung up on me because after he did I realized just how much I miss him even when he was mad at me. I didn't care he was mad at me. I just wanted him to pay attention to me.
So I text him what I felt in form of a song. In form of Please don't leave me. Text him nearly the whole song. & i waited. I said what I said. I brooded. wondering if he was really going to call me back or just disappeared on me again for a few days with no contact at all. I got a phone call back.
He was out of work & sitting in his car.
& he was crying saying he loves me. he loves me. He loves me.
& he promised to be better. to pay attention. to love me more. to try to understand. He said he wanted forever.
& for awhile it seem like forever was really going to happen. & then it didn't
& it was only after the fall. After everything died that I looked up the video & I saw Pink in the beginning seconds of her video, singing, holding onto a jacket, caressing her pain, trying to make him stay. & it was me. Holding his jacket, in my living room, after he had broken his phone because SHE had called and called again and he didn't want me to find out who it was but I already knew & it should have ended right there but it didn't because I was stubborn & he still loved me because I loved him.
breaking his phone in front of me was just a tip off to what I already knew.
& now these days. these memories. Hearing these songs, seeing Pinks desperation at trying to make him stay, it just forces me out of my shell because I realized the person I had become with him & the person I have become without him, it's beautiful how I have grown but it's sad.
Because I still miss him sometimes. & like the lyric, I wish I could touch him again. I would give anything, really. These guys I'm talking to. The more I push my boundaries with them, my comfort zone & put myself out there as a person, a woman who is dateable, not just as a love gamer, the more I'm reminded of him & that's fuck up. I enjoy these guys, the attention they give me. The darlings they're becoming for wanting to date me. I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint them by not being able to move on beyond my ex and how selfish I am in the comfort of not being in a relationship. this solitude. Holding onto these memories because they're all I have left & not wanting to yet needing to move on & like my friend said."it's like ripping off a bandaid, just gotta do it and get it over with".
& these guys I like the idea of me dating, going out, making out, maybe having a boyfriend because it is wonderful but now I'm confused as to which one & really it depends on the connection we feel when we meet. I know I can be their darling, I can be their favorite girl, so easily just because of my personality. Just because I know how to be a girlfriend even better than how to be a love gamer. I know how to love and make a guy feel like he's the still point of the turning world & that's why it lasted so long with jr.
I'll give it a shot just because their willing to give me a chance & I remember how I smile when they message me, how I felt so excited and happy even if it was just a text. I remember that thrill, that feeling of knowing that someone wanted me for me, not my looks, not my coochiewoochiewoo. & I miss that & it's sweet of them. I mean really Stephanie, do you need much more proof that Darron & Joshua, hell even Matty to make you realized that just because you weren't worth sticking around for one guy, doesn't mean other guys are going to do the same to you, & you'll never know if you don't take that chance & I will, I have to take a leap of faith sometime.
Then why do I still see him in my sleep? Why is he so damned locked in my head & turns up to rear the bittersweet memories when I don't want him to.
Why do I still hyperventilate & sob into my bathrobe/pillow so that no one would hear me? Why do I still love him.
I hate him for being the ability to do this to me. Especially now.
I wish I could remember. I'm just going to go out into the world & whatever it, fake it, till I make it. Smile until I am happy & hope I don't destroy myself in the process. I need to heal, not fall apart.
& I understood. I heard it with my heart, not just my ears & it hurt. It hurt but it was necessary. & it wasn't Who Knew that got to me most of all. It was Please Don't Leave Me.
A song that had the potential to save my relationship, nearly did. & just like who knew, he promised me forever afterwards.
it was so simple & so stupid. We were fighting & he was at work & couldn't answer but he was almost out & the whole weekend we just were arguing. What about? I can't even remember but the only things I would raise shit about was the fact that he wasn't spending enough time with me. More & more I was alone & I could say I knew. I could say I felt it, knew that he was going to leave me. Knew about his girl three months before he left me for her, knew about her, just wove a complete fabrication of denial, total self delusion there to protect that what I knew from myself. Felt it coming & still told myself he would come back to me. She was just a toy. She wasn't. I knew & I trapped myself into thinking that denial & delusion was better. that everything was fine. it wasn't or else he would still be here.
I remember arguing, not even on the phone because he couldn't talk. He had hung on me & really what was the point of arguing over the phone? or arguing at all. I was alone. He never hung up on me, that just wasn't how it went with us, even during an argument. Either we settled it down & resolved it, and that was all there was to it. We always resolved it. & maybe it was because he did hung up on me because after he did I realized just how much I miss him even when he was mad at me. I didn't care he was mad at me. I just wanted him to pay attention to me.
So I text him what I felt in form of a song. In form of Please don't leave me. Text him nearly the whole song. & i waited. I said what I said. I brooded. wondering if he was really going to call me back or just disappeared on me again for a few days with no contact at all. I got a phone call back.
He was out of work & sitting in his car.
& he was crying saying he loves me. he loves me. He loves me.
& he promised to be better. to pay attention. to love me more. to try to understand. He said he wanted forever.
& for awhile it seem like forever was really going to happen. & then it didn't
& it was only after the fall. After everything died that I looked up the video & I saw Pink in the beginning seconds of her video, singing, holding onto a jacket, caressing her pain, trying to make him stay. & it was me. Holding his jacket, in my living room, after he had broken his phone because SHE had called and called again and he didn't want me to find out who it was but I already knew & it should have ended right there but it didn't because I was stubborn & he still loved me because I loved him.
breaking his phone in front of me was just a tip off to what I already knew.
& now these days. these memories. Hearing these songs, seeing Pinks desperation at trying to make him stay, it just forces me out of my shell because I realized the person I had become with him & the person I have become without him, it's beautiful how I have grown but it's sad.
Because I still miss him sometimes. & like the lyric, I wish I could touch him again. I would give anything, really. These guys I'm talking to. The more I push my boundaries with them, my comfort zone & put myself out there as a person, a woman who is dateable, not just as a love gamer, the more I'm reminded of him & that's fuck up. I enjoy these guys, the attention they give me. The darlings they're becoming for wanting to date me. I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint them by not being able to move on beyond my ex and how selfish I am in the comfort of not being in a relationship. this solitude. Holding onto these memories because they're all I have left & not wanting to yet needing to move on & like my friend said."it's like ripping off a bandaid, just gotta do it and get it over with".
& these guys I like the idea of me dating, going out, making out, maybe having a boyfriend because it is wonderful but now I'm confused as to which one & really it depends on the connection we feel when we meet. I know I can be their darling, I can be their favorite girl, so easily just because of my personality. Just because I know how to be a girlfriend even better than how to be a love gamer. I know how to love and make a guy feel like he's the still point of the turning world & that's why it lasted so long with jr.
I'll give it a shot just because their willing to give me a chance & I remember how I smile when they message me, how I felt so excited and happy even if it was just a text. I remember that thrill, that feeling of knowing that someone wanted me for me, not my looks, not my coochiewoochiewoo. & I miss that & it's sweet of them. I mean really Stephanie, do you need much more proof that Darron & Joshua, hell even Matty to make you realized that just because you weren't worth sticking around for one guy, doesn't mean other guys are going to do the same to you, & you'll never know if you don't take that chance & I will, I have to take a leap of faith sometime.
Then why do I still see him in my sleep? Why is he so damned locked in my head & turns up to rear the bittersweet memories when I don't want him to.
Why do I still hyperventilate & sob into my bathrobe/pillow so that no one would hear me? Why do I still love him.
I hate him for being the ability to do this to me. Especially now.
I wish I could remember. I'm just going to go out into the world & whatever it, fake it, till I make it. Smile until I am happy & hope I don't destroy myself in the process. I need to heal, not fall apart.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
No don't let me down.
So don't blow it, no not a little bit.
& I miss my girls. I do, even the pork side to it. Why because, they were always so eager, so ready to get up & go with me, & support me, stand up for me. BUT I guess this is just me missing them, that part of them. Because I do not appreciate the underhandedness, the stubbornness. the fact that they so readily flare up & it was just one comment & really could they expect my tolerance my nontaking part of it forever.
Can't I just have peace? Isn't forgiveness part of it? Funny how I keep thinking that the people who claim to be self-actualized & go around bragging about it or achieving it, as actually having their shit together overlook the fact that they do not practice the morals of a self-actualization & extend that to friend.
I thought years of a friendship would be worth more than this? Especially you! I've known you for more than 10 years.
10 YEARS!!!
You think all the times we hung out together? You think that all my comments, my statuses, my random text messages trying to cheer you up, support, wouldn't be so easily overlook.
& then you think that your other self, would use some of your smartness to keep your opinion to yourself & know when to shut your mouth if you had nothing nice to say & just let it go.
What the hell is wrong with both of you? You're probably thinking what the hell is wrong with me? You both need to open your eyes & look at all sides of the story.
I offered a truce. left it explicably & one of you still threw shit in my face, you slap the hand I offered in friendship away, & you shouldn't have done it so hastily & you know what I did? I let it go. I turn the other way. Funny, I don't even follow religion but I adhere to their teachings more than some of their devoted followers (except sexually)
& what's sad is that wow, look at this. You two say goodbye when I most need you to be there for me. To squee & to laugh with me. To support me. To say Go! Stephanie! Go! To plot & scheme up every little thing!
I mean I have my fag & i love him BUT it's not the same. Is it? Can one person be so interchangeable? Can one friendship be so forgotten so quickly?
When you two see my side of the story. I'll be here but I won't forget how easily you turned on me & keep that in mind even though I thought I knew my friends better than that.
I hope that for the rest of them, I didn't misjudged so quickly.
otherwise, I'll be here.
& I miss my girls. I do, even the pork side to it. Why because, they were always so eager, so ready to get up & go with me, & support me, stand up for me. BUT I guess this is just me missing them, that part of them. Because I do not appreciate the underhandedness, the stubbornness. the fact that they so readily flare up & it was just one comment & really could they expect my tolerance my nontaking part of it forever.
Can't I just have peace? Isn't forgiveness part of it? Funny how I keep thinking that the people who claim to be self-actualized & go around bragging about it or achieving it, as actually having their shit together overlook the fact that they do not practice the morals of a self-actualization & extend that to friend.
I thought years of a friendship would be worth more than this? Especially you! I've known you for more than 10 years.
10 YEARS!!!
You think all the times we hung out together? You think that all my comments, my statuses, my random text messages trying to cheer you up, support, wouldn't be so easily overlook.
& then you think that your other self, would use some of your smartness to keep your opinion to yourself & know when to shut your mouth if you had nothing nice to say & just let it go.
What the hell is wrong with both of you? You're probably thinking what the hell is wrong with me? You both need to open your eyes & look at all sides of the story.
I offered a truce. left it explicably & one of you still threw shit in my face, you slap the hand I offered in friendship away, & you shouldn't have done it so hastily & you know what I did? I let it go. I turn the other way. Funny, I don't even follow religion but I adhere to their teachings more than some of their devoted followers (except sexually)
& what's sad is that wow, look at this. You two say goodbye when I most need you to be there for me. To squee & to laugh with me. To support me. To say Go! Stephanie! Go! To plot & scheme up every little thing!
I mean I have my fag & i love him BUT it's not the same. Is it? Can one person be so interchangeable? Can one friendship be so forgotten so quickly?
When you two see my side of the story. I'll be here but I won't forget how easily you turned on me & keep that in mind even though I thought I knew my friends better than that.
I hope that for the rest of them, I didn't misjudged so quickly.
otherwise, I'll be here.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
She's well acquainted with the touch of a velvet hand.
One minutes I'm writing happily, going going on my essay, loving the way I deconstruct Chopin's whether & listening Por Una Cabeza when all of a sudden my heart hurts me with the thought of him. & I yearned for him desperately & my heart breaks at the thought of how close we were. The memories. The loved we shared & how it's now lost, forever to be remembered with the bitterness, the sadness, that you didn't want to stay. & i don't know why. I was an 8 to your 6 & you were only a 6 because of your home. where you came from. but i didnt care. I didn't care. I love you for you. Not for your money. Never for anything else, but for who you were as a person. & i dont know if i can stand my heart being broken like that again. I dont think i can survive. I don't remember anything the week or so after you left me for her. I don't remember anything but my bed & pinky, & not even taking care of emily. the only thing I remember is samantha's face. I think that's what brought me out of my stupor. I wasn't even walking around or sleeping I wasn't doing anything. I'm not sure how i even got to places or took notes. I don't remember. I do know I didn't eat. I went from a size 16 to a 14. in two weeks. & when I finally woke up, when i finally didn't lay in bed all day appaently, I remember how samantha took care of me. I remember how she would bring me food. Little sandwiches. fruit. popcorn. cereal. yogurt. water. juice. everyone noticed how I stopped eating & my grandma who came all the way from LA just to "pay a visit", (oh she knew because she never mention him again) made my favorite foods every day. foods that would cost her 3-4 hours in the kitchen because she does them from scratch & i remember taking a bite. saying it's good & im full & i would leave her.
I couldn't stand being inside. i remember being at school ,and during the class breaks I would just run outside & breathe on the balcony. I would just sit there, breathing, telling myself it's okay. It's okay. Repeating it till I could go back to class. Not like I was paying attn. I remember going to bed, and then when I woke up the next morning, I didn't want to. Just like this past week. I would go back to my dreams. go back to sleep, so easily because when I closed my eyes he was there. I would dream of hm every night for a looong time. & guess what, due to some fucktards who have messed up my inner peace with myself, I've been dreaming of him. & I hate myself for it. I hate waking up & saying no no don't. Don't face the fact that's he's gone. Go back to your dreams. See him again. Want him. Love him & let him love you in your dreams. & it's over. I know that. I have moved on. for the most part. I am happy but I still miss him sometimes & I hope that I will not be hurt like this, impacted by this if I get in a relationship again. which is most likely than not. I;m scared but I;m not going to let this stop me. This heartbreak & the fear of getting hurt. I can't because if I do, I'll never know.
So I'll try again. For a relationship, if the other guy wants it. If not, oh well.
& I'll keep writing to that viking & see if he sends me a nude back. Ha. xD meanwhile I'll keep slutting around campus but for myself & needs, not because I am intent on destroying myself & manipulating men to feel powerful. I can't let that prick changed me into a bitter hag. Only take the experience & learn & become a better person. I'm going to try. & write about it. everywhere.
even when I still miss him.
I couldn't stand being inside. i remember being at school ,and during the class breaks I would just run outside & breathe on the balcony. I would just sit there, breathing, telling myself it's okay. It's okay. Repeating it till I could go back to class. Not like I was paying attn. I remember going to bed, and then when I woke up the next morning, I didn't want to. Just like this past week. I would go back to my dreams. go back to sleep, so easily because when I closed my eyes he was there. I would dream of hm every night for a looong time. & guess what, due to some fucktards who have messed up my inner peace with myself, I've been dreaming of him. & I hate myself for it. I hate waking up & saying no no don't. Don't face the fact that's he's gone. Go back to your dreams. See him again. Want him. Love him & let him love you in your dreams. & it's over. I know that. I have moved on. for the most part. I am happy but I still miss him sometimes & I hope that I will not be hurt like this, impacted by this if I get in a relationship again. which is most likely than not. I;m scared but I;m not going to let this stop me. This heartbreak & the fear of getting hurt. I can't because if I do, I'll never know.
So I'll try again. For a relationship, if the other guy wants it. If not, oh well.
& I'll keep writing to that viking & see if he sends me a nude back. Ha. xD meanwhile I'll keep slutting around campus but for myself & needs, not because I am intent on destroying myself & manipulating men to feel powerful. I can't let that prick changed me into a bitter hag. Only take the experience & learn & become a better person. I'm going to try. & write about it. everywhere.
even when I still miss him.
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