She's well acquainted with the touch of a velvet hand.

One minutes I'm writing happily, going going on my essay, loving the way I deconstruct Chopin's whether & listening Por Una Cabeza when all of a sudden my heart hurts me with the thought of him. & I yearned for him desperately & my heart breaks at the thought of how close we were. The memories. The loved we shared & how it's now lost, forever to be remembered with the bitterness, the sadness, that you didn't want to stay. & i don't know why. I was an 8 to your 6 & you were only a 6 because of your home. where you came from. but i didnt care. I didn't care. I love you for you. Not for your money. Never for anything else, but for who you were as a person. & i dont know if i can stand my heart being broken like that again. I dont think i can survive. I don't remember anything the week or so after you left me for her. I don't remember anything but my bed & pinky, & not even taking care of emily. the only thing I remember is samantha's face. I think that's what brought me out of my stupor. I wasn't even walking around or sleeping I wasn't doing anything. I'm not sure how i even got to places or took notes. I don't remember. I do know I didn't eat. I went from a size 16 to a 14. in two weeks. & when I finally woke up, when i finally didn't lay in bed all day appaently, I remember how samantha took care of me. I remember how she would bring me food. Little sandwiches. fruit. popcorn. cereal. yogurt. water. juice. everyone noticed how I stopped eating & my grandma who came all the way from LA just to "pay a visit", (oh she knew because she never mention him again) made my favorite foods every day. foods that would cost her 3-4 hours in the kitchen because she does them from scratch & i remember taking a bite. saying it's good & im full & i would leave her.

I couldn't stand being inside. i remember being at school ,and during the class breaks I would just run outside & breathe on the balcony. I would just sit there, breathing, telling myself it's okay. It's okay. Repeating it till I could go back to class. Not like I was paying attn. I remember going to bed, and then when I woke up the next morning, I didn't want to. Just like this past week. I would go back to my dreams. go back to sleep, so easily because when I closed my eyes he was there. I would dream of hm every night for a looong time. & guess what, due to some fucktards who have messed up my inner peace with myself, I've been dreaming of him. & I hate myself for it. I hate waking up & saying no no don't. Don't face the fact that's he's gone. Go back to your dreams. See him again. Want him. Love him & let him love you in your dreams. & it's over. I know that. I have moved on. for the most part. I am happy but I still miss him sometimes & I hope that I will not be hurt like this, impacted by this if I get in a relationship again. which is most likely than not. I;m scared but I;m not going to let this stop me. This heartbreak & the fear of getting hurt. I can't because if I do, I'll never know.

So I'll try again. For a relationship, if the other guy wants it. If not, oh well.
& I'll keep writing to that viking & see if he sends me a nude back. Ha. xD meanwhile I'll keep slutting around campus but for myself & needs, not because I am intent on destroying myself & manipulating men to feel powerful. I can't let that prick changed me into a bitter hag. Only take the experience & learn & become a better person. I'm going to try. & write about it. everywhere.

even when I still miss him.