& then I forgot this.

What it was like to have an actual guy call.

Like talk on the phone. Not just text and to be able to have a conversation without going sexual, only light, verging on polite flirting.

I forgot what it was like. It's been so long because I don't/won't/can't answer the phone and am very selectively about who I talk to on the phone. Especially when it comes to guys.

Especially when it comes to my (potential) fuck buddies. But he called. He called me and I said fuck it, and decided to pick up, thinking he just wanted to hear my voice and make sure it was me, voice confirmation.

But it brought back memories.

And it was nice. I forgot about how nice it is. To have a guy just talk to you, no bullshit involved or before it starts and I realized this is the way it should have been, with Meaty. yeah, I admit it Mikko, and maybe this is why you logged in to see if I had any of my confessions. I didn't, because you already know how I wanted it to be with him, and then not.

But it doesn't matter, or maybe it does. Because he's still talking to me, and now we reached a point that I don't even know how to describe.

but this phone call, it reminded me so much. Of how I used to be. That girl. You know, when I was with someone. A girlfriend. A person. I've become so used to texts that are so removed from me, and then just being with a guy and not talking with him because we didn't exactly meet up to talk, that I forgot what it was like.

It's nice but I have to put it away now. It'll be another memory and I'll look back upon it as just that. Because if I allowed it to be much more than that, then it'll start to matter.

And he doesn't matter. And he won't.

But it was still nice. If only for a little while :) But I feel bad for my less fortunate friends who won't get this attention from guys because I don't know why. Either they attract the attention but are too picky, or they don't but only from guys who are not really guys but creepers, or they just get it from their ex, which is just a world of fuck up hurt waiting to happen, but they don't get it. I don't know why.

I never saw myself as particularly attractive. (Unless I'm being cocky) I mean look at me, I am overweight and still working on it when I hope I wouldn't be as much but life kinda took over and pushed away my jogging routine.

Maybe soon again when I will take it up. I have to, if I am going to be leg humping again. I want myself in the best shape possible for twisties.

I guess the point of this blog is that I have to remember what it's like being me. Completely me and happy with myself again. I forgotten that too. Was remembering. But then the schedule kicked in and I didn;t have time to be myself, to completely recovered from my last boyfriend. My ex. Yes it was short, so short of a time we were together, it seems crazy now to see how much I became attached to him. But at the time it wasn't and I let myself fall. Fall for him. Fall in love, and it hurt after the fact. Just broken hearted for a long time, and just made me really question. He said he would remembered long after I have moved on, what he didn't know is that I knew it would be the opposite. He would be with a girl first, and only mourn the relationship a few days, a week at most, and I would still be trying to get over it.

Just because I was attached, and this is why I don't like to get attached because when I do get attached, I do it (to quote my cousins) FOR REALS.

I do it FOR REALS. No half assing it. I go all the way and give over my heart, love shouldn't be half ass. Not one bit. Which is why I'm selective and chose to fuck around than date.

I say I can't date because of my parents but that's not the whole truth. It just adds to it. I really don't date because it tends to mess with my head. My heart. Am I scare? Yes. I don't want to put myself through it if I don't think the guy is worth it.

So I'll continue to fuck around and have as much fun as I can with guys and hopefully girls. I want girls. I wants lots of them. I want them to come to me, and I want to play and I want girls. But for right now, I'm going to concentrate on riding and getting through the night. Day. week.

Without remembering fuckface.

I thought I saw him today, making a turn. My heart JUMPED and I was so happy of the way I handled the truck even though my heart stopped. But then my second thought was "you're too poor to own that nice of a corvette." And I kept driving. but but but. Like any time that happens, he stayed in my mind.

He was my adoration. The love of my life. He hurt me so much that even now, some songs still reduce me to tears when I think about him.
But all I can do is toast to that fucker's fate and hope his life deteriorate daily and for one day, just once, I would like to laugh and have fate laugh with me when he sees me driving in a nice car, and before he realizes who it is, I want him to think- hot girl driving. Fucker. You thought I couldn't drive, you said so yourself, that I shouldn't drive, that I had a distracted personality, that I wouldn't be able to drive. That I was too "nervous". & I'm ashamed that I agree with you. that you would reduce my independence so much. fuck you and your shitty car, my car may not be new but it'll never break down on me like it does yours and is newer. Just wait, one day. I will get my own bike, fuck what anyone says, I will learn to ride, and you will have to owe up to the fact that you fucked up with me. OH & the reason why I have such a "distracted" personality is not because I can't control myself, oh no buddy, it's the opposite, it's because I am thinking a millions thoughts at a time.I am thinking thoughts that you can't even dream of because of your limited imagination due to your inability to have passion for anything outside of yourself and your puny paycheck and your car. Anything else in your head going on? Nope. No ambitions beyond slaving away at a crappy job for one good day of paintballing. Fucking idiot, and I'm not saying I'm better than you, but you will never understand what it's like to actually THINK. I have dozens of layered dreams, and guess what fucker? Most of them are coming true and if not, I am working on it and won't stopped till they are coming true.


YOU

Majorly fucked up. I was willing to give you everything and you knew it, and you threw it away for a little high school tramp. Fucking 15! You were 20 turning 21! Wtf were you thinking! Did she give you that good of a blow job? Was it because I was timid in giving you blow jobs? And the only reason why I was so timid was because you fucker, had a big dick. If you had given me damn time, I told you I was working on it. I never given blowjobs before you! I was a late bloomer, and only had 2 guys before you and one of them was the guy I lost my virginity to. Idiot. I was learning. Did that scare you? Knowing that I was always learning and intent on always doing so. Placing value in my education? Well, my education has gotten me to the point where the other day at work, when I ate a big banana, I got stared at. 3 stares and one guy who had to look back at me.

Yeah, I learned a few things. Fucking idiot. Your loss and I can't wait till you realized how well I did for myself. Am doing for myself.


...wow when did this turn into a rant?

X_X

I wanted everything.

I have been sitting here for the past two hours.

I told myself I would write my novel since the night is mine.

I didn't.

I spent two hours DOING NOTHING. KNOWING NOTHING. Because everything I've work so hard for this last semester. This rebuilding of my life, to make myself a better person, a better friend, to achieve my goals, my self-actualizations amounted to tonight.

Ugly. Fake. Loser.
Liar Liar. Dirty girl. Shameless.

This was coming. I know it the moment I felt my smile weary on my face.

I miss him. He's not here. He won't ever be here again.

He changed my whole world.

fuck. i can't even write this.

Running

Sometimes you just need one person to take you and give you a good kick in the ass. To remind you of what's important. Someone who knows what it's like

With that being said. I've been blogging way too much and not writing and reading enough.

I'm taking a vacation. Both emotionally and physically.

And what's this? how can one person have the ability to change my mood and flip me upside down.

She made me smile and now I'm procrastinating writing.

But she made me see that I need to let go. Just let go. And "chill" for a bit. Concentrate on what makes me happy and how I need to make her happy through my books. How's she waiting. And she reminded me that sometimes a crush is just a fantasy for the sake of being a fantasy and looking back at and nothing more.

Just breathe and be.

Never fails.

There has never been a slump, a deep dark hole where I put myself into that the thought of books, of writing, of him can't get me out of it.

Tonight he wasn't much a part of it but my WIP was and I dove right into it and I forgot all about me, my stupid feelings, forgot who I was, forgot what my heart was breaking about, and my words, my plots, my characters just yelled for attention. Said get out of whatever stupid funk you're in, I need you. My book needs me, because there is no one else who can write it.

"And I don't mind waiting, if it takes a real long long time. And I don't mind wasting the best years of our lives."

Can't believe I did that.

I saw a Matt Damon/Ethan Hawke lookalike Blond at school.

He was sitting not too far away from me in the student union.

I was writing and when he left. I did too. But not before writing a note. With my number in it.

Yes. I did it. I gave it to him. At first I wasn't going to do it and wrote it just to prove to myself that I can do it. I was going to toss my note. So to make this more coherent for whoever really reads this, which is probably no one, seeing as the end of the semester tends to make us a bit crazy with all the homework and upcoming holidays.

But I'll give you the story straight now, just so I can come down off my rush.

I walked into the union. I need a place to sit and to put down my stuff. I go to the 2nd floor bathroom first and scout out the first floor for the best spot to sit at. (meaning where I would get most noticed...Yes I admit that because today I feel wonderfully confident. Beautiful even, and I want everyone to see me. & If I don't enjoy these days, then when I get old. I will regret not being like this.

SO anyhow, I scouted out the first floor, got out of the bathroom, went downstairs, walk, sat down from the cutie. I took out my writing and wrote while I glanced over occasionally to see him. Creepy, stalkerish much? yes, but it's only because I was so shy of myself, so self conscious in high school that to talk to a boy who I liked was impossible, among other things impossible were wearing anything that was below my collarbone,and I hid behind my books, baggy clothes, and more books.

So I am making up by missing all those years of never going out. Never having anyone to talk with. never having friends. I am determine to take over the world now and make it mine. One cutie at a time.

So He left and I packed up my stuff and I lost him. I didn't know where he went. So I continue walking around went outside, saw the night rolling on by. Then realized it was too early for me to leave still so I made a U-turn back to the union. I was walking in the walkway when I see him. Coming at me, going the opposite direction. It was now or never. Now or forget about it. Now or spend the whole semester to keeping an eye for him and going HE's CUTE! to Mikko and just whining about how no guys ever notice me and bitching about how I miss making out.

Not tonight. I said hey, he gave me a random look, and I gave him the note, and he reached out to take it. yahoo face. I smiled and said bye.
I left, walking walkign walking, ducking into the nearest building and that was that. And then I truly smiled at myself. I caught a reflection of myself on the doors, saw how I look, and thought, how far have I come, I have developed as a person. And I know that in a few years I will look back at myself now and think that I have developed myself more as person too.

No regrets. Not anymore.

I don't expect him to call. or text. It's okay. it's up to him. it's his call now, really it is, and whether he does or not won't affect me. because I know who I am now, and I have the confidence to be that person that I always wanted to be when I was a teen. I have the courage to be myself now, and I won't let myself lose that again.

If I see him around, I'll wink at him.

;)