Tick Tock...

In the midst of change and thinking about major changes that will be happening in my life (riding, driving, senior year at school, grad schools, library internship, work place change, little one starting school herself)I am going to let these changes become my life. but just because the changes are happening to me doesn't mean I'm going to let them over come me and overwhelm, not anymore. In the face of change, I will make some of them myself. Making my personal goals to go parallel with them and some of these new personal goals, developments are from my part and I hope that they will keep me here and present in my life and be able to focus on the days and not just the bigger picture.

Aside from starting to jog or at least thinking about taking it up again and SOON. Like tomorrow or this week soon (it's time) I'm also starting another bookclub.

That's right another one.

No, this one won't be with my friends.

This book club is with my sister. I wrote about her before and how sometimes it feels that I don't know her anymore because sometimes I really don't. This is my effort to communicate with her and build a better connection, a better relationship with her. I don't want to leave for grad school and have an okay relationship with her. She's my sister and I should have a bond with her that is unshakable even with distances between us.

So I started a book club with her. She'll read the book first and then I'll read it, and I'm thinking of creating a small group page somewhere, just for me and her so that we can put our thoughts on it or however. I'm hoping this will work. I know she likes to read, she just doesn't do it. I have hope. I'm hoping but I'm scare this won't work. I'm scared of failing this and losing her. These are really my last days to connect with her before she gets too old and starts to disconnect from me and connect more on her friends. She's 12 now. She'll be 13 when I leave. A teenager. I don't want her to be just another sullen teen, not like me. I don't want to leave her and have her be like me. I want her to be a well adjusted person just like Tessie is for being so young and I know I had a lot to do with that but will it work again?

Tiss Tiss Tiss Tiss...

I did it.

I let go.

I sent him a message. I laid out all my cards on the table.

Was it stupid of me?

Yes, VERY stupid.

So why did I do it?

Because it was killing me. If one of those, damn if I do, damn if I don't. & I rather not live with the regret of not doing it rather than the regret of doing it.

Whatever comes out of it, will come out of it. True intentions will be revealed or at least I'll know my place. & I rather know my place than have it unknown so I can stop overthinking, and filling up with these expectations and the fact that I rather relate to an absent person than build relationships with those around her. If I don't stop this now or reveal my feelings, I can spend months doing this. Playing the question game back and forth. Talking through technology. Never picking up the phone. I have done this in the past. It was nice, but it wasn't substantial.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I just know that I did this. & in a manner this is stepping out of my comfort zone because before I would have kept texting this over how ever many months he decided to stick around, and would have milked it for all it was worth and then just end up in the same place again. But it's okay.

I did it. I put myself out there. Now if I get shot in the foot about it. Oh well. I have to take a risk or else I won't be living.

Her answer

Maybe I change my mind. FAIL. BIG FAIL. Ms. honesty no more denial changes her mind about having a boyfriend. I want someone, something, just so I won't feel so alone at times. Most of the times I'm not lonely, but the nights are long. I want that connection. I want that person that can make me feel beautiful, it doesn't matter whether it's for only a little while. It doesn't matter how long it last, whether it is serious or just for fun. I just want to feel appreciated.

There I changed my mind. That's what I want. I want to fill up whatever space is eating me up when my guard is down. I want to have fun. I want to feel. I want to dream. I want to live.

So there.

Listening to: In the Still of the Night by Five Saints