I looked at my past blogs yesterday.
& skimming through them, I realized I don't remember half the guys who were calling me, texting me, giving proof to the fact that I burn through guys.
& I was looking and found that way back in December, even then I was talking to who I am "talking" to now and writing about him.
Truth was, I was smitten in high school and it wasn't for nothing. In high school, more than any other place that I have been in, I followed the philosophy of relating to an absent person more than building relationships to anyone around me.
It was I never spoke to Mikko. I was terrified first of any dejecting talk he might have aimed my way (just because I expected it. I expected the worse from everyone, to start mocking me any moment for never wearing the right clothes, for carrying a book, for never doing my makeup/hair, for anything that I criticized about myself) So instead, a typical fantasy trait of mine, I build up this fantasy of myself and relating to others. Mikko included. I extended this to any crush heavily.
I would picture that just one of the guys would be different. Just one would think that makeup wasn't required in order for a person to be truly beautiful. That they would see beyond my facade and discovered the brilliant bleeding heart that was me underneath. That I would be 'discovered,' by one of these guys who would take the time to get to know me for me and would like me for who I was and think I was just the coolest girl ever because I didn't give any drama. I wasn't/still aren't the type of girl to nitpick and wouldn't dare to judge. I wouldn't even ask them to take me on dates. I couldn't picture myself on dates. I would see this guy and me coming over to his house (HAHAHAHAHA <---right like that ever happened in high school or afterwards because my parent's are still like x_X when I go over to a guy's house) and we would just talk. we would sit somewhere or lean against the kitchen and talk about whatever was on our minds. For me, it just being together and having the bond between us like a secret that no one would know how strong it was.
Even back then I was sexually liberated because to me, virginity wasn't this huge of a deal. It was just something everyone did and it would be our secret that underneath the black was a beauty who was more than willing to get down on her knees. With every crush it was different. I don't remember my daydreams much but they were always like that. It was beautiful, this idea of a relationship I had.
& I'm confused. I'm happily confused. I'm trying to not be stubborn and step out of my comfort zone.
I'm scared.
I'm scared more about this than any time I go meet up with a complete stranger I never saw before and get into his car to be driven away into the city.
& I hate that what I'm scared of isn't that he's not right for me. But that we'll communicate much and after weeks, months, however long it is that he'll meet this super spectacular girl in person & immediately get with her and forget that I'm in his pocket (cell) & that I'm not her.
I'm scared I'll never be 'her', not just for this guy, but for any guy.
My optimism bubbles over everywhere but as soon as it comes to me and my relationships, I tend to expect being forgotten about.
O_O
Music is LOVE. Music is LIFE. Music helps me when no one else can. I just heard "If I fell," and the lyric just made me open my mind. I know what's wrong. Why I am overthinking, and wondering, and questioning, and shooting myself down at the same time.
"If I give my heart to you, I must be sure from the very start..."
Showing posts with label guys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guys. Show all posts
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
They say she needs to slow down
He gave me hope. It's as simple as that. It's why I went denying that I wasn't obsessive, just curious. Just because he gave me hope. Hope that maybe this guy might actually want to date me, maybe. So I allowed myself to feel something beyond lust. Totally my fault, should have waited a bit, see what would developed, but I was just so damn happy. SO happy to be called pretty for once, bonita, linda, the difference between the two is that linda is more personal, and the difference was how I felt about it.
For that day, that moment. It meant something. It meant more than any comment I've received because I thought he was just using a bit of the old southern charm on me, just playing the gentleman card, saying before me, opening doors offering me what he was drinking (I refused). And before I knew it in the time frame of 40 minutes. I was attached. Attached to that idea of me and him, maybe. It's not that I was expecting a relationship, more just like a date or two, maybe a few texts, a friend, nothing serious, but fast. A friends with benefits with having the potential to be something more.
And I just need to get it out of my system. I need to exhaust the topic and thoughts of him and just let him go.And I think part of my problem is that when it comes to love, lust. I either go all the way, (most cases yes) or I don't. I was looking at my past blogs and read how I've been blogging about him since December when he was the elusive picture of my exhookup's friend who was nice, sweet. I wrote how I just wanted to talk to him, get to know him, how I knew it made NO SENSE, that I didn't have a chance in the world because he's the friend of a hookup and now Look at me. He's free game and I have his number and back then, that's all I wanted, his number. And he has mine, and he hasn't called, and stupid of me to even think that he would call, and he did, once and I Missed it. I was in the shower. And would I be in a different place if I had not been and answered? Would I know the truth? he hasn't call, and he isn't calling (me back again), and he's moving FAST on the track to being a number. just another hookup, to meet, and do, and forget. And I'm not afriad of it anymore if he is because I'm already getting dissattached.
What I am afraid of is what if he is interested in me but because he doesn't know me, is too chicken shit to make a move. This is what I wrote about him once; SO what if I like him? What if I slept with friend? So! What if I'm delusional enough to want to get to know him. What if I have the balls enough to ask hookup#9 about his friend. I'm going to look forward to this, whatever it develops into, if at all.
And just because i play the game, doesn't mean I rule myself out for the ability to settle down either. Doesn't mean I rule out crushing on someone for who they are, not what they;re like.
And I just have to see where it goes, but that's me keeping hope. 8 School Days including today is all the time I'm giving him. Then I'm going into the game myself, no more waiting.
For that day, that moment. It meant something. It meant more than any comment I've received because I thought he was just using a bit of the old southern charm on me, just playing the gentleman card, saying before me, opening doors offering me what he was drinking (I refused). And before I knew it in the time frame of 40 minutes. I was attached. Attached to that idea of me and him, maybe. It's not that I was expecting a relationship, more just like a date or two, maybe a few texts, a friend, nothing serious, but fast. A friends with benefits with having the potential to be something more.
And I just need to get it out of my system. I need to exhaust the topic and thoughts of him and just let him go.And I think part of my problem is that when it comes to love, lust. I either go all the way, (most cases yes) or I don't. I was looking at my past blogs and read how I've been blogging about him since December when he was the elusive picture of my exhookup's friend who was nice, sweet. I wrote how I just wanted to talk to him, get to know him, how I knew it made NO SENSE, that I didn't have a chance in the world because he's the friend of a hookup and now Look at me. He's free game and I have his number and back then, that's all I wanted, his number. And he has mine, and he hasn't called, and stupid of me to even think that he would call, and he did, once and I Missed it. I was in the shower. And would I be in a different place if I had not been and answered? Would I know the truth? he hasn't call, and he isn't calling (me back again), and he's moving FAST on the track to being a number. just another hookup, to meet, and do, and forget. And I'm not afriad of it anymore if he is because I'm already getting dissattached.
What I am afraid of is what if he is interested in me but because he doesn't know me, is too chicken shit to make a move. This is what I wrote about him once; SO what if I like him? What if I slept with friend? So! What if I'm delusional enough to want to get to know him. What if I have the balls enough to ask hookup#9 about his friend. I'm going to look forward to this, whatever it develops into, if at all.
And just because i play the game, doesn't mean I rule myself out for the ability to settle down either. Doesn't mean I rule out crushing on someone for who they are, not what they;re like.
And I just have to see where it goes, but that's me keeping hope. 8 School Days including today is all the time I'm giving him. Then I'm going into the game myself, no more waiting.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Just play it how it is.
If I just follow my own rules. I should be fine.
The more I talk to guys the more I'm reminded of the reasons why I should play and not become involved.
Seriously, married men. Like what the hell, you have your wife at home, and she's beautiful. You said I do to her, back it up! Idiots!
Older, much older divorce men. Yes, we know you went through a painful divorce. yes, you are single and available and are ready to play because your divorce left you scared. BUT, must you go after girls young enough to be your daughters? Seriously? You're how old? And you're looking for girls in what age? I know, I know, you don't want to discriminate in age but really, now you're just being perverted.I know they joke about me and going after youngsters, but I don't go for guys a decade younger than me at least. Perverts!
And then there are the "single" men. How the hell do you think you're kidding? And are you that dumb? Or do I play being the dumb blond too well? Do you really think I'm that stupid. *roll eyes*. It's obvious you have a girlfriend. If not here in the city, that you're attached to someone, but long distance or not, she's still your girlfriend. You're just losers for being scared of your own relationship. Either play the field right or have enough balls to break up with her before you get caught. Because you will get caught. the game will only come back to hunt you. Cowards!
Then there are actually single guys. Le sigh. I understand that at this point, you're all have been attached at one point with someone pretty serious. But just because you had bad experiences means that shouldn't try again. Grow some balls guys, there are plenty of single girls who would love to have you.
Me included eventually. As soon as I find that the hand that mine fits into. That and when I stop thinking of that guy I met through my hookup. That'll fade out, I hope.
Rules:
1.No playing with guys who are married/engaged/are boyfriends (attached)
2. No one older than 6 years or younger than 4.
3. No one shorter than me. No one of a smaller body frame (to an extent)
4. No latinos. Sorry, don't do my own race, I know them too well.
5. No one into drugs. (smokers okay. drinkers not so much.)
6. No fucktards. No creeps. If you give me the weirdo vibe, bye.
7. No one too good looking because they know how well they look and I don't need to feel that you're thinking you're having sympathy sex with me. Um-no. Also because you're so good looking, I know you're taking advantage of that and your numbers tend to run double digits. No thank you on the STD's either. Average guys are better anyway.
8. No dorks. Just because I tend to get attached to you. (case in point: hookup's best friend >_> goodlord why do I keep thinking of him?! -_- Boo. Just thumbs down. Is it bad that I'm hoping to bump into him when Spring semester starts? I've never blogged this much about a guy. Why him? he probably has a girlfriends. Dorks like him always do. And besides I played with his friend. -_-
The retracted rule that was formerly rule #9: No hooking up with friends of hook ups.
It gets weird fast. But only if your original hook up is a douchebag. I'm better playing this by ear and see how it develops because sometimes this opens up alot of guys :P But a must is keeping it to yourself unless you want drama by comparison. Sometimes it's nice to be known as easy and sometimes it's not.
Just see how it goes.
The more I talk to guys the more I'm reminded of the reasons why I should play and not become involved.
Seriously, married men. Like what the hell, you have your wife at home, and she's beautiful. You said I do to her, back it up! Idiots!
Older, much older divorce men. Yes, we know you went through a painful divorce. yes, you are single and available and are ready to play because your divorce left you scared. BUT, must you go after girls young enough to be your daughters? Seriously? You're how old? And you're looking for girls in what age? I know, I know, you don't want to discriminate in age but really, now you're just being perverted.I know they joke about me and going after youngsters, but I don't go for guys a decade younger than me at least. Perverts!
And then there are the "single" men. How the hell do you think you're kidding? And are you that dumb? Or do I play being the dumb blond too well? Do you really think I'm that stupid. *roll eyes*. It's obvious you have a girlfriend. If not here in the city, that you're attached to someone, but long distance or not, she's still your girlfriend. You're just losers for being scared of your own relationship. Either play the field right or have enough balls to break up with her before you get caught. Because you will get caught. the game will only come back to hunt you. Cowards!
Then there are actually single guys. Le sigh. I understand that at this point, you're all have been attached at one point with someone pretty serious. But just because you had bad experiences means that shouldn't try again. Grow some balls guys, there are plenty of single girls who would love to have you.
Me included eventually. As soon as I find that the hand that mine fits into. That and when I stop thinking of that guy I met through my hookup. That'll fade out, I hope.
Rules:
1.No playing with guys who are married/engaged/are boyfriends (attached)
2. No one older than 6 years or younger than 4.
3. No one shorter than me. No one of a smaller body frame (to an extent)
4. No latinos. Sorry, don't do my own race, I know them too well.
5. No one into drugs. (smokers okay. drinkers not so much.)
6. No fucktards. No creeps. If you give me the weirdo vibe, bye.
7. No one too good looking because they know how well they look and I don't need to feel that you're thinking you're having sympathy sex with me. Um-no. Also because you're so good looking, I know you're taking advantage of that and your numbers tend to run double digits. No thank you on the STD's either. Average guys are better anyway.
8. No dorks. Just because I tend to get attached to you. (case in point: hookup's best friend >_> goodlord why do I keep thinking of him?! -_- Boo. Just thumbs down. Is it bad that I'm hoping to bump into him when Spring semester starts? I've never blogged this much about a guy. Why him? he probably has a girlfriends. Dorks like him always do. And besides I played with his friend. -_-
The retracted rule that was formerly rule #9: No hooking up with friends of hook ups.
It gets weird fast. But only if your original hook up is a douchebag. I'm better playing this by ear and see how it develops because sometimes this opens up alot of guys :P But a must is keeping it to yourself unless you want drama by comparison. Sometimes it's nice to be known as easy and sometimes it's not.
Just see how it goes.
Just don't.
I'm acting out against my own stupidity. About to make another mistake, one I will regret. Breaking another rule just because I developed a crush on the friend of my hookup and hating myself for it does not mean that I have to act out against it and find myself some even more extreme action to get my mind off it.
The extreme action: a married man. and he keeps talking to me.
I keep thinking of who am I becoming. Flirting with a married man. How stupid have I become and I just hate my ex for making me into this person. By making me feel so insecure about myself that I need to feel that I have to prove to myself that I can do this, can do that, prove that I can be anyone I want to be and have anyone I want, including married men and women.
Just because he left me for her. Just like the song, nothing can save me now.
and the only hope I had to redeem myself, I only fuck it up by hooking up with his friend. FML. the girlfriend was right, just like always. And I hate it.
I just hope that after I come out of this, by myself, that the people important to me will still be here, no matter how much I fuck up, or more precisecly who I fuck.
I don't need to be judged. I judge myself. i admit to my mistakes, harder on myself than the words of anyone else because it hurts. hurts knowing I might have blown my chance at something by burning through the game. The point of the game is no attachment, so how did I end up liking his friend. -_-
I'm just going to fade out into my books. Fini.
The extreme action: a married man. and he keeps talking to me.
I keep thinking of who am I becoming. Flirting with a married man. How stupid have I become and I just hate my ex for making me into this person. By making me feel so insecure about myself that I need to feel that I have to prove to myself that I can do this, can do that, prove that I can be anyone I want to be and have anyone I want, including married men and women.
Just because he left me for her. Just like the song, nothing can save me now.
and the only hope I had to redeem myself, I only fuck it up by hooking up with his friend. FML. the girlfriend was right, just like always. And I hate it.
I just hope that after I come out of this, by myself, that the people important to me will still be here, no matter how much I fuck up, or more precisecly who I fuck.
I don't need to be judged. I judge myself. i admit to my mistakes, harder on myself than the words of anyone else because it hurts. hurts knowing I might have blown my chance at something by burning through the game. The point of the game is no attachment, so how did I end up liking his friend. -_-
I'm just going to fade out into my books. Fini.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Have you no shame, unfaithful heart?
Why him? Is he another one of those bajillion crushes I had on campus this semester? How many guys, just how many did I check out and developed a physical crush for? And then not counting them, I also crushed on many of my classmates, girls and guys.
And then this week comes along. At one point or another I have been smitten, became fascinated with four guys, (guy)Number 9, guy in class, librarian, and now him. Am I just going to think about him and forget all about him tomorrow? Just anothe bypassing interest.
He's a bit different. I talked to him for awhile, we connected in that sort of connection you have once in awhile with a stranger. He spoke to me in Spanish at one point, completely took me by surprise. I like him better than Number 9 because he didn't have that edge that Number 9 does. The edge of a player, of a too selfish guy. Maybe because aside from classmates who treats me like a girl and not a lovegamer. Maybe I just like the idea of him.
But guys like him always have girls, pretty petite indie girls with braids in their hair and quirky music taste.
But I'm distracted and I'm thinking tomorrow or something Sunday if I'm still thinking about him I will resolved this. I will text Number 9 & either ask him whether friends are offlimits or ? at least his name.
And then this week comes along. At one point or another I have been smitten, became fascinated with four guys, (guy)Number 9, guy in class, librarian, and now him. Am I just going to think about him and forget all about him tomorrow? Just anothe bypassing interest.
He's a bit different. I talked to him for awhile, we connected in that sort of connection you have once in awhile with a stranger. He spoke to me in Spanish at one point, completely took me by surprise. I like him better than Number 9 because he didn't have that edge that Number 9 does. The edge of a player, of a too selfish guy. Maybe because aside from classmates who treats me like a girl and not a lovegamer. Maybe I just like the idea of him.
But guys like him always have girls, pretty petite indie girls with braids in their hair and quirky music taste.
But I'm distracted and I'm thinking tomorrow or something Sunday if I'm still thinking about him I will resolved this. I will text Number 9 & either ask him whether friends are offlimits or ? at least his name.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Can't believe I did that.
I saw a Matt Damon/Ethan Hawke lookalike Blond at school.
He was sitting not too far away from me in the student union.
I was writing and when he left. I did too. But not before writing a note. With my number in it.
Yes. I did it. I gave it to him. At first I wasn't going to do it and wrote it just to prove to myself that I can do it. I was going to toss my note. So to make this more coherent for whoever really reads this, which is probably no one, seeing as the end of the semester tends to make us a bit crazy with all the homework and upcoming holidays.
But I'll give you the story straight now, just so I can come down off my rush.
I walked into the union. I need a place to sit and to put down my stuff. I go to the 2nd floor bathroom first and scout out the first floor for the best spot to sit at. (meaning where I would get most noticed...Yes I admit that because today I feel wonderfully confident. Beautiful even, and I want everyone to see me. & If I don't enjoy these days, then when I get old. I will regret not being like this.
SO anyhow, I scouted out the first floor, got out of the bathroom, went downstairs, walk, sat down from the cutie. I took out my writing and wrote while I glanced over occasionally to see him. Creepy, stalkerish much? yes, but it's only because I was so shy of myself, so self conscious in high school that to talk to a boy who I liked was impossible, among other things impossible were wearing anything that was below my collarbone,and I hid behind my books, baggy clothes, and more books.
So I am making up by missing all those years of never going out. Never having anyone to talk with. never having friends. I am determine to take over the world now and make it mine. One cutie at a time.
So He left and I packed up my stuff and I lost him. I didn't know where he went. So I continue walking around went outside, saw the night rolling on by. Then realized it was too early for me to leave still so I made a U-turn back to the union. I was walking in the walkway when I see him. Coming at me, going the opposite direction. It was now or never. Now or forget about it. Now or spend the whole semester to keeping an eye for him and going HE's CUTE! to Mikko and just whining about how no guys ever notice me and bitching about how I miss making out.
Not tonight. I said hey, he gave me a random look, and I gave him the note, and he reached out to take it. yahoo face. I smiled and said bye.
I left, walking walkign walking, ducking into the nearest building and that was that. And then I truly smiled at myself. I caught a reflection of myself on the doors, saw how I look, and thought, how far have I come, I have developed as a person. And I know that in a few years I will look back at myself now and think that I have developed myself more as person too.
No regrets. Not anymore.
I don't expect him to call. or text. It's okay. it's up to him. it's his call now, really it is, and whether he does or not won't affect me. because I know who I am now, and I have the confidence to be that person that I always wanted to be when I was a teen. I have the courage to be myself now, and I won't let myself lose that again.
If I see him around, I'll wink at him.
;)
He was sitting not too far away from me in the student union.
I was writing and when he left. I did too. But not before writing a note. With my number in it.
Yes. I did it. I gave it to him. At first I wasn't going to do it and wrote it just to prove to myself that I can do it. I was going to toss my note. So to make this more coherent for whoever really reads this, which is probably no one, seeing as the end of the semester tends to make us a bit crazy with all the homework and upcoming holidays.
But I'll give you the story straight now, just so I can come down off my rush.
I walked into the union. I need a place to sit and to put down my stuff. I go to the 2nd floor bathroom first and scout out the first floor for the best spot to sit at. (meaning where I would get most noticed...Yes I admit that because today I feel wonderfully confident. Beautiful even, and I want everyone to see me. & If I don't enjoy these days, then when I get old. I will regret not being like this.
SO anyhow, I scouted out the first floor, got out of the bathroom, went downstairs, walk, sat down from the cutie. I took out my writing and wrote while I glanced over occasionally to see him. Creepy, stalkerish much? yes, but it's only because I was so shy of myself, so self conscious in high school that to talk to a boy who I liked was impossible, among other things impossible were wearing anything that was below my collarbone,and I hid behind my books, baggy clothes, and more books.
So I am making up by missing all those years of never going out. Never having anyone to talk with. never having friends. I am determine to take over the world now and make it mine. One cutie at a time.
So He left and I packed up my stuff and I lost him. I didn't know where he went. So I continue walking around went outside, saw the night rolling on by. Then realized it was too early for me to leave still so I made a U-turn back to the union. I was walking in the walkway when I see him. Coming at me, going the opposite direction. It was now or never. Now or forget about it. Now or spend the whole semester to keeping an eye for him and going HE's CUTE! to Mikko and just whining about how no guys ever notice me and bitching about how I miss making out.
Not tonight. I said hey, he gave me a random look, and I gave him the note, and he reached out to take it. yahoo face. I smiled and said bye.
I left, walking walkign walking, ducking into the nearest building and that was that. And then I truly smiled at myself. I caught a reflection of myself on the doors, saw how I look, and thought, how far have I come, I have developed as a person. And I know that in a few years I will look back at myself now and think that I have developed myself more as person too.
No regrets. Not anymore.
I don't expect him to call. or text. It's okay. it's up to him. it's his call now, really it is, and whether he does or not won't affect me. because I know who I am now, and I have the confidence to be that person that I always wanted to be when I was a teen. I have the courage to be myself now, and I won't let myself lose that again.
If I see him around, I'll wink at him.
;)
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