It never fails.

It's always like this isn't it?

Will it always be like this for myself?

See, after all is said and done, I am still her.

That girl, and I won't forget. I can't forget. I hope to have some semblance of hope left like I lavish upon my friends, saying, there is always hope, you just have to have faith. And while I say this, I remember. I remember how they both broke my heart and while we were both going through the pain, the hurt, the anguish of breaking up, that both of you, yeah BOTH, Not Once, but twice, you both left me alone with my broken heart for me to heal all by myself, which I did (wasn't damn easy)and while both of your suffering for me was comforted. Both of you were held while you both cry out your bleeding hearts by another girl. I know this because both of you told me in our last heart wrenching bitter argument while reaching for closure conversations. Hell, it was the reason I left both of you!

How nice I remember saying to the first, to have someone to hold you when you're hurting for me, and our failed relationship. The only reason a lover stops paying attention to his love is because of another lover. And to the second, I told that I knew it already. & he assured me that it wasn't like that, that their relationship wasn't like that. That she was there to work on herself and that he was just taking care of her. But I already knew it was going to be like that eventually, and it did. And ofcourse you both went on with your life, and you both would forget about me and did just like I thought to myself, and your pain would be lessen by the comfort of having her in your life.

Like I said, how nice it must be to have someone to hold you already after we broke up. or you broke up, or you left me for her, or just left me. And you said I would forget, I would be okay because I am a strong person. But you forget who I am, you forgot how big my heart was. How I really do give myself over completely to the person I love because I believe fully in loving a person, and not halfassing it.
The second told me that I had loved him in ways that he could never imagine, and it's true, because I did.

I did and because I gave myself over so completely, sometimes it still hurts even though it's been such a long time.

I wouldn't have thought it possible either. To remember hurts like that, but when I saw what I thought was you walk right past me at work, my world stopped, and I couldn't breathe. And I realized it wasn't you and yet I nearly fell apart at work. I don't know how I kept myself in check, my eyes watered over, and I didn't cry only because I swallowed every bitter taste of hurt, and wiped furiously at my eyes to make them go away.

And then the other one, I am cruelly reminded of each Monday and Wednesday because the guy in front of me has your skin tone, and your inability to grow strong facial hair, and your hair color and mannerisms that were so dear to me.

I hate this. Is this why I dream so much of my writer, because he looks like a guy who wouldn't hurt his girl. He looks like the type of guy who wouldn't leave his girl for another, no matter how pretty, how present, how anything she is. How he really would never hurt his girl because he couldn't bear it. He looks like he would always have a kind smile at the end of day, and be forgiving, no matter how much we had argued. He looks like he knows how to actually treat a girl. He looks like the dream he is and I will never have him.

I fear I will always be that girl who was left for another.

While you two were busy being comforted by your other girls, being held while your heart cried out for me.

I did not have anyone and I still don't. No one held me while both of you hurt me because I was actually faithful because I believed in us up to the very last moment, I did. I really did and I still suffered for it. Like the song, I gave you everything I am, everything I got. But love had it's say and it wasn't for me.

why in the fuck did I have to be reminded of both of you? Why did I have to have dreams, of both of you?

Why did you both have to do the same thing in the end to me? Why? It just makes me want to give up hope and forget.

I shouldn't even be stressing about this. I shouldn't be remembering. I should forget, like you both forgot me.

There's nothing left to say, I was right, and sometimes I wish I was wrong, especially when it came to this but I know how guys can be so well that I can't help look at the reality of the situation.

And my situation is simple: I'm a dreamer now and that's all I'll ever be.