No real education

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid, when I should be embracing it.

I'm afraid when I should be waking up challenging it.

I'm afraid because I am coward, and this coward took a chance.

I took a chance and now I am afraid, after the fact.

I need to breathe and not be afraid because after all, he doesn't know me. He can't say anything. I am a masked zorro amelie to him right now, just a mystery, and yet I'm afraid that I will fail. Do I really want this? Do I really want him? I am not even sure but I'm taking a chance and doing it in the most odd and yet only way that I know how to do it because I know that if it happens, face to face. That him, like any other guy, would just be a missed connection. Because they always are. It is only through my writing that I grab anyone's attention, and everyone's from the look of it. But what if my writing fails me? What if...?

I don't like being afraid, especially not for and of my writing. Of this potential I know so well. And yet is the real issue here is not him, but the fact that I might, actually be afraid of reaching my own potential?

What if I reach it and it's not like I want it to be?
What if getting there, writing like this, writing everyday is where the true happiness comes from, and after the fact, after there is no happiness to be found?
What if I aim for that guy, and once I get him, I don't find happiness because I was stupid and selfish enough to love and want only the idea of him, and not the real person, just like with CP.

Is that why I'm so disinterested of late? Because I might just love the idea of things but then not really want them because I am afraid I only love the idea of them but not the actuality. What if I dont love my books after they're done? What if I go after my dreams, and don't love them in reality?

I took a chance and I need to learn to take more chances, for better or for worse, but just take chances, for me.