Blame it on the night.

This and my previous blog, mostly my previous blog are to blame on my dream.

Because in my dream, I was loved and treated I'm supposed to be treated and he was holding me. Holding me so tight as we slept together, going to the market with my mom, his mom, both our parents approving. Us walking, reaching for my hand.

He was holding me as we went to sleep after messing around but not having sex because we hadn't had sex because we didn't think it was important to rush it. Because we were happy just having to be in each other's arms as we slept.

And this happened before and it never fails to fuck me up. Because when I awake, I find myself waking up alone. Him gone, and the reality that I have no one who will hold me that way or the potential. And I find all my pillows surrounding me like a body behind me. I think that's why I dream of someone holding me, because somehow during the night, I am cradled by my pillows and dream of strong arms around me when I sleep to keep me happy.

And I wake to find none. It breaks my heart and I dreamt dreams like these before.

And every single time, there's nothing to do but wake up and live my life. With a guy or no guy present. I will be happy, damnit. I will be happy just being me, being selfish and will explore every adventure, and take every step.

I will not let myself become bitter, even more bitter than I am. I refused to be crushed. to be heartbroken. I refused to live a life of misery just because I can't find him, and he won't find me. And as for girls, I just want to play with them, because I don't know if I'll be able to love them. I know there is no difference. Guy or girl, but I just know I'm not ready to come out as bi to parents until I am dependent. I just know that one day I will, and today is not that day.

Today I refused to be unhappy and beaten down by this shit. By this and anything else. I am going to be happy. I am going to go after my dreams, companion or not.

I will break all the rules, and just say fuck it to the game because I play by my own rules.