Dream number whatever.

What a strange dream.

I was leaning against a chipped white railing, and I was smoking a cigarette as casually as it is.

I woke up craving one.

I haven't shared a smoked since last January, almost a full year, with Nessarina in the park. She smoked most of it anyway but still.

I had the chance to smoke a few times after that, I didn't. I threw them away.

But now to dream of smoking one is weird, and to crave one is bad and I've been craving a smoke and a drink for awhile, a few weeks. I'm not going anywhere near them. I don't want to start a habit I can't stop. I think it had to do with kissing hookup #9. He was a smoker and even though I made sure I had gum with me, I could still taste it in his mouth. This might just be it.

I'm not going to dwell on that. I finished clockwork orange and took up Genius of the Sea again since I wasn't able to finish it during the semester. I'm still on page 18 of the WIP. I'm hoping to change that tonight.

The day has been upside down, with its goods and bads. I had a very good exercise romp, just purely driven. I'm going to sore tomorrow. But what fueled that was the hate of what I saw earlier. A mutual friend of mine with the ex posted a picture. they were in it. She was in it. He was in it. I hate myself for looking at it. It was taken three days ago. I realized just what he did to me. It's been a year and I'm still reel by it.

I wanted to break something, I wanted to destroy. I wanted to cut. I wanted to hurt. I exercised. Then took a shower. I came out and realized that my face was swollen.
I had a mild food allergy. Mild being define by breaking out in ugly red splotches and my face swelling up to where I'm unrecognizable. My parents wanted to take me to UMC care when I couldn't breathe through my nose because it was too swollen. I kept repeating to myself control control control. I told them to wait an hour and took two benadrylls and then went to blank out my mind on tv, hoping to relax my body enough to let the meds kick in and not panic. When the movie ended, most of the splotches were gone and I was breathing better through my nose so I told them there was no need. and there wasn't. My eyelids are still swollen but otherwise I'm 85 percent better on that. I'll be fine by tomorrow.

I blank out through two movies I already saw that I liked alot, in between finishing a clockwork orange. I also saw another movie that I never got to finish. A chick flick that I knew wasn't even going to be remotely well done, and just done for the movie. So why did I see it? because sometimes I just need to concentrate on someone's petty dramas aside my own. I haven't seen this much TV in a looooooooong time. I was pretty sick.

Then we got the call about the house. they're not giving it to us. Stupid bank. the foreclosure effect has them running scared. If they weren't going to allow it, they should have told us in the first place instead of wasting all our damn time, and apparently we were preapproved already. Whatever. Let them rot in their fear.

Sounds like a shitty day right? I think it's mostly my anger that lets me get away without busting into the poor old' me's. The best thing of the day was that my dad made bomb ass mash potatoes which I enjoyed very much because I wasn't going anywhere any type of meat (they had crab legs for dinner >_>) in order to provoke even more allergies. That and one of my bestie's woke me up with a text saying Will & grace is back on their time slot. I got to talk to him for a few minutes, even though I was still sleeping.

tomorrow will be better. I will reach page 20. I will go to the library and pick up my books, this time with my library card because today when I went I didn't have it on me >_>

Off days make me yearn to be back in school. Pitiful, not even a week off and I want to go back already, mostly for my friends, but also to feel like I'm doing something.

I hope I go back in spring semester a smaller dress size (or two, but that's wishful thinking) and my WIP fully written and done, and a winter list of a lot of books read.

Hope hope hope.