No me queda mas

Insane. It's always like this isn't it?

He's likes her. She doesn't. They start fucking around anyway. He still likes her. She likes someone else. That someone else likes her to a point, but also is confused, and would like to remain friends only because he doesn't want to push her away but his mind is on his ex and lingers there, no matter how hard she tries to make him forget. She can't blame him because if her ex contacted her in any way, she would still run run run to him and tell him, get on her knees and say, take me back, I love you. Because it's true. So she tries to forget that & tries to make him forget her. & yet the only person who remembers her is the guy she's fucking who is out of her mind the minute they're not doing it.

& she's ignoring another guy who just wants the burden of his inexperience lifted & she'll take it when he doesn't flake out, just because he was there for her, and continues to be there, whenever she needs him. She texts and he's like a little dog and jumps at it.

Ofocurse the one who she like the best isn't interested beyond sex because he just pulled a disappearing act on her. Totally and completely disappeared on her. & she knows why.He found a new sex toy, told her himself, said the sex was amazing but she bored him otherwise. Woopee for him. Guess the thrilling chemistry wasn't enough for him to make her stay on his mind. At least I never bored anyone.


& in between this, I still miss the one who nearly destroyed me. I just want to see his face. I just want to be able to kiss him. To have him hold me. To break down and cry in his arms. For him to tell me, she was a mistake. That it took him a year to realized that he loves me more than her. But it's bullshit. He's not coming back. I really loved him.

While I wonder about the fantasy guy.

Never mind the crushes that will never be happening.

O_O

When did I become this girl? What happened to the girl who's heart was full of pure intentions? Who didn't care to complicate anything? What happened to that girl who yearn for love with every ounce of her being. Who was in love with the idea of being in love.

Gone.

Just Gone.

I guess it all worked out

The reason I'm not blogging much these days is because happiness with little trivial complications that are nothing, has decided to visit me.

I am happy.

This is my secret blog that turn into my rant against what the fuck is up with my world & what the fuck am I doing? But the longer I don't blog, the longer my happiness has decided to stay. I only hope that everyone else feels the warmth of what life can be too.

& that this feeling stays, and this blog should turn into my nauseating happiness as I gush about books, movies, and all the good stuff that life has to offer like funnel cakes and inside jokes. Memories. Beautiful memories that make up our lives, that make up our daily happiness.

Now all that I want to do is go back to my writing, it beckons me, and I have answered its call. So I'm happy.

Priorities

I need to get back to my writing.

Yeah, 'Nuff said.

Yeah

I miss him.

that fucker.

I miss him.

Idiot.

I'm trying so not to. But it's hard. difficult because with him it was never awkward. it was always so easy.

We fell into place with each other like if we never doubted our love for each other, or anything other was meant to be but us. & it was beautiful. & it's over.

& i need to let go. & move on. Just move on. Realized there's guys out there willing to love all of me. Not just my sexuality. & I need to honestly give them a chance before I shut them out by solving the issue by throwing sex at it. I need to actually try to maybe actually getting attached because I can't throw sex at it all my life just because I'm afraid.

It's always going to come right back to this.

I couldn't understand at first the impact of Who Knew got to you, couldn't understand why it was so dear to my best friend. It was just a good song. That was all to me at the time it came out but then I found myself in a place I thought I would never be.

& I understood. I heard it with my heart, not just my ears & it hurt. It hurt but it was necessary. & it wasn't Who Knew that got to me most of all. It was Please Don't Leave Me.

A song that had the potential to save my relationship, nearly did. & just like who knew, he promised me forever afterwards.

it was so simple & so stupid. We were fighting & he was at work & couldn't answer but he was almost out & the whole weekend we just were arguing. What about? I can't even remember but the only things I would raise shit about was the fact that he wasn't spending enough time with me. More & more I was alone & I could say I knew. I could say I felt it, knew that he was going to leave me. Knew about his girl three months before he left me for her, knew about her, just wove a complete fabrication of denial, total self delusion there to protect that what I knew from myself. Felt it coming & still told myself he would come back to me. She was just a toy. She wasn't. I knew & I trapped myself into thinking that denial & delusion was better. that everything was fine. it wasn't or else he would still be here.

I remember arguing, not even on the phone because he couldn't talk. He had hung on me & really what was the point of arguing over the phone? or arguing at all. I was alone. He never hung up on me, that just wasn't how it went with us, even during an argument. Either we settled it down & resolved it, and that was all there was to it. We always resolved it. & maybe it was because he did hung up on me because after he did I realized just how much I miss him even when he was mad at me. I didn't care he was mad at me. I just wanted him to pay attention to me.

So I text him what I felt in form of a song. In form of Please don't leave me. Text him nearly the whole song. & i waited. I said what I said. I brooded. wondering if he was really going to call me back or just disappeared on me again for a few days with no contact at all. I got a phone call back.

He was out of work & sitting in his car.

& he was crying saying he loves me. he loves me. He loves me.

& he promised to be better. to pay attention. to love me more. to try to understand. He said he wanted forever.

& for awhile it seem like forever was really going to happen. & then it didn't

& it was only after the fall. After everything died that I looked up the video & I saw Pink in the beginning seconds of her video, singing, holding onto a jacket, caressing her pain, trying to make him stay. & it was me. Holding his jacket, in my living room, after he had broken his phone because SHE had called and called again and he didn't want me to find out who it was but I already knew & it should have ended right there but it didn't because I was stubborn & he still loved me because I loved him.

breaking his phone in front of me was just a tip off to what I already knew.

& now these days. these memories. Hearing these songs, seeing Pinks desperation at trying to make him stay, it just forces me out of my shell because I realized the person I had become with him & the person I have become without him, it's beautiful how I have grown but it's sad.

Because I still miss him sometimes. & like the lyric, I wish I could touch him again. I would give anything, really. These guys I'm talking to. The more I push my boundaries with them, my comfort zone & put myself out there as a person, a woman who is dateable, not just as a love gamer, the more I'm reminded of him & that's fuck up. I enjoy these guys, the attention they give me. The darlings they're becoming for wanting to date me. I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint them by not being able to move on beyond my ex and how selfish I am in the comfort of not being in a relationship. this solitude. Holding onto these memories because they're all I have left & not wanting to yet needing to move on & like my friend said."it's like ripping off a bandaid, just gotta do it and get it over with".

& these guys I like the idea of me dating, going out, making out, maybe having a boyfriend because it is wonderful but now I'm confused as to which one & really it depends on the connection we feel when we meet. I know I can be their darling, I can be their favorite girl, so easily just because of my personality. Just because I know how to be a girlfriend even better than how to be a love gamer. I know how to love and make a guy feel like he's the still point of the turning world & that's why it lasted so long with jr.

I'll give it a shot just because their willing to give me a chance & I remember how I smile when they message me, how I felt so excited and happy even if it was just a text. I remember that thrill, that feeling of knowing that someone wanted me for me, not my looks, not my coochiewoochiewoo. & I miss that & it's sweet of them. I mean really Stephanie, do you need much more proof that Darron & Joshua, hell even Matty to make you realized that just because you weren't worth sticking around for one guy, doesn't mean other guys are going to do the same to you, & you'll never know if you don't take that chance & I will, I have to take a leap of faith sometime.

Then why do I still see him in my sleep? Why is he so damned locked in my head & turns up to rear the bittersweet memories when I don't want him to.

Why do I still hyperventilate & sob into my bathrobe/pillow so that no one would hear me? Why do I still love him.

I hate him for being the ability to do this to me. Especially now.

I wish I could remember. I'm just going to go out into the world & whatever it, fake it, till I make it. Smile until I am happy & hope I don't destroy myself in the process. I need to heal, not fall apart.

No don't let me down.

So don't blow it, no not a little bit.

& I miss my girls. I do, even the pork side to it. Why because, they were always so eager, so ready to get up & go with me, & support me, stand up for me. BUT I guess this is just me missing them, that part of them. Because I do not appreciate the underhandedness, the stubbornness. the fact that they so readily flare up & it was just one comment & really could they expect my tolerance my nontaking part of it forever.

Can't I just have peace? Isn't forgiveness part of it? Funny how I keep thinking that the people who claim to be self-actualized & go around bragging about it or achieving it, as actually having their shit together overlook the fact that they do not practice the morals of a self-actualization & extend that to friend.

I thought years of a friendship would be worth more than this? Especially you! I've known you for more than 10 years.

10 YEARS!!!

You think all the times we hung out together? You think that all my comments, my statuses, my random text messages trying to cheer you up, support, wouldn't be so easily overlook.

& then you think that your other self, would use some of your smartness to keep your opinion to yourself & know when to shut your mouth if you had nothing nice to say & just let it go.

What the hell is wrong with both of you? You're probably thinking what the hell is wrong with me? You both need to open your eyes & look at all sides of the story.

I offered a truce. left it explicably & one of you still threw shit in my face, you slap the hand I offered in friendship away, & you shouldn't have done it so hastily & you know what I did? I let it go. I turn the other way. Funny, I don't even follow religion but I adhere to their teachings more than some of their devoted followers (except sexually)

& what's sad is that wow, look at this. You two say goodbye when I most need you to be there for me. To squee & to laugh with me. To support me. To say Go! Stephanie! Go! To plot & scheme up every little thing!
I mean I have my fag & i love him BUT it's not the same. Is it? Can one person be so interchangeable? Can one friendship be so forgotten so quickly?

When you two see my side of the story. I'll be here but I won't forget how easily you turned on me & keep that in mind even though I thought I knew my friends better than that.

I hope that for the rest of them, I didn't misjudged so quickly.

otherwise, I'll be here.

She's well acquainted with the touch of a velvet hand.

One minutes I'm writing happily, going going on my essay, loving the way I deconstruct Chopin's whether & listening Por Una Cabeza when all of a sudden my heart hurts me with the thought of him. & I yearned for him desperately & my heart breaks at the thought of how close we were. The memories. The loved we shared & how it's now lost, forever to be remembered with the bitterness, the sadness, that you didn't want to stay. & i don't know why. I was an 8 to your 6 & you were only a 6 because of your home. where you came from. but i didnt care. I didn't care. I love you for you. Not for your money. Never for anything else, but for who you were as a person. & i dont know if i can stand my heart being broken like that again. I dont think i can survive. I don't remember anything the week or so after you left me for her. I don't remember anything but my bed & pinky, & not even taking care of emily. the only thing I remember is samantha's face. I think that's what brought me out of my stupor. I wasn't even walking around or sleeping I wasn't doing anything. I'm not sure how i even got to places or took notes. I don't remember. I do know I didn't eat. I went from a size 16 to a 14. in two weeks. & when I finally woke up, when i finally didn't lay in bed all day appaently, I remember how samantha took care of me. I remember how she would bring me food. Little sandwiches. fruit. popcorn. cereal. yogurt. water. juice. everyone noticed how I stopped eating & my grandma who came all the way from LA just to "pay a visit", (oh she knew because she never mention him again) made my favorite foods every day. foods that would cost her 3-4 hours in the kitchen because she does them from scratch & i remember taking a bite. saying it's good & im full & i would leave her.

I couldn't stand being inside. i remember being at school ,and during the class breaks I would just run outside & breathe on the balcony. I would just sit there, breathing, telling myself it's okay. It's okay. Repeating it till I could go back to class. Not like I was paying attn. I remember going to bed, and then when I woke up the next morning, I didn't want to. Just like this past week. I would go back to my dreams. go back to sleep, so easily because when I closed my eyes he was there. I would dream of hm every night for a looong time. & guess what, due to some fucktards who have messed up my inner peace with myself, I've been dreaming of him. & I hate myself for it. I hate waking up & saying no no don't. Don't face the fact that's he's gone. Go back to your dreams. See him again. Want him. Love him & let him love you in your dreams. & it's over. I know that. I have moved on. for the most part. I am happy but I still miss him sometimes & I hope that I will not be hurt like this, impacted by this if I get in a relationship again. which is most likely than not. I;m scared but I;m not going to let this stop me. This heartbreak & the fear of getting hurt. I can't because if I do, I'll never know.

So I'll try again. For a relationship, if the other guy wants it. If not, oh well.
& I'll keep writing to that viking & see if he sends me a nude back. Ha. xD meanwhile I'll keep slutting around campus but for myself & needs, not because I am intent on destroying myself & manipulating men to feel powerful. I can't let that prick changed me into a bitter hag. Only take the experience & learn & become a better person. I'm going to try. & write about it. everywhere.

even when I still miss him.