>_> Someone just shoot me. Just do it >_> First I'm bitching about how this guy won't leave me alone and is like I want to date you and I'm like being a really, cynical bitch, and I'm like what a dork who is getting clingy, eww. and then he txts me "thank you for staying up with me last night" meaning that we text until we fell asleep, while we both got our shit done, and I found it sweet because I know what that feels like, the absence of not having anyone "special" to txt before sleeping, and I was touched, and then he stopped texting for awhile and I missed his constant bothering texts of "what you up to???" xD So someone just shoot me for being so damn indecisive.
I'm an idiot. a sexy fish idiot. Whatever. we'll see how it goes.
Friday, January 29, 2010
And I feel fine.
Sometimes I just take a good look at myself and the way I am and I scoff at how different I am and I enjoy my lifestyle. I am a selfish whore who loves the attention, above all the attention. Sometimes I think it's because of fact that I didn't realized or blossom into the social butterfly I am now till very late, 18. or so. And still even then it was one or two guys over the year before I got involved in a serious relationship.
Even with that view and how I am happy, sometimes I just look at myself and think that's fuckup, even for me.
Like the fact that I got more excited in getting a text back from a guy who apparently didn't even get the meaning of my text, from a fellow whore/player/ and I know that if ever gets what I want to do, that we will, and then we would say goodbye. Love them and leave them, and I get more excited about that, about him
than the guy who is literally trying to move the moon and stars for me in order to woo me, to date me, and to him I'm being a little bit of a bitch.
And I think it says about me how what I really want is to have fun, and I will but some part of me tells me to watch out because once I'm done having fun, I don't know if there will be anyone who is ideal for me.
Maybe I want too much when it comes to relationships which is why I'm not bothering. Is it so wrong to want someone completely mind-blowing, completely extraordinary?
And the guy who wants to date me, isn't. But I'm giving him a chance anyway, just because he's giving me attention beyond my sexuality.
But I'm still hoping for Christopher, the fairy tale guy, the ultimate fantasy, and I guess until I get my chance, I won't know.
Even with that view and how I am happy, sometimes I just look at myself and think that's fuckup, even for me.
Like the fact that I got more excited in getting a text back from a guy who apparently didn't even get the meaning of my text, from a fellow whore/player/ and I know that if ever gets what I want to do, that we will, and then we would say goodbye. Love them and leave them, and I get more excited about that, about him
than the guy who is literally trying to move the moon and stars for me in order to woo me, to date me, and to him I'm being a little bit of a bitch.
And I think it says about me how what I really want is to have fun, and I will but some part of me tells me to watch out because once I'm done having fun, I don't know if there will be anyone who is ideal for me.
Maybe I want too much when it comes to relationships which is why I'm not bothering. Is it so wrong to want someone completely mind-blowing, completely extraordinary?
And the guy who wants to date me, isn't. But I'm giving him a chance anyway, just because he's giving me attention beyond my sexuality.
But I'm still hoping for Christopher, the fairy tale guy, the ultimate fantasy, and I guess until I get my chance, I won't know.
Monday, January 25, 2010
They say she needs to slow down
He gave me hope. It's as simple as that. It's why I went denying that I wasn't obsessive, just curious. Just because he gave me hope. Hope that maybe this guy might actually want to date me, maybe. So I allowed myself to feel something beyond lust. Totally my fault, should have waited a bit, see what would developed, but I was just so damn happy. SO happy to be called pretty for once, bonita, linda, the difference between the two is that linda is more personal, and the difference was how I felt about it.
For that day, that moment. It meant something. It meant more than any comment I've received because I thought he was just using a bit of the old southern charm on me, just playing the gentleman card, saying before me, opening doors offering me what he was drinking (I refused). And before I knew it in the time frame of 40 minutes. I was attached. Attached to that idea of me and him, maybe. It's not that I was expecting a relationship, more just like a date or two, maybe a few texts, a friend, nothing serious, but fast. A friends with benefits with having the potential to be something more.
And I just need to get it out of my system. I need to exhaust the topic and thoughts of him and just let him go.And I think part of my problem is that when it comes to love, lust. I either go all the way, (most cases yes) or I don't. I was looking at my past blogs and read how I've been blogging about him since December when he was the elusive picture of my exhookup's friend who was nice, sweet. I wrote how I just wanted to talk to him, get to know him, how I knew it made NO SENSE, that I didn't have a chance in the world because he's the friend of a hookup and now Look at me. He's free game and I have his number and back then, that's all I wanted, his number. And he has mine, and he hasn't called, and stupid of me to even think that he would call, and he did, once and I Missed it. I was in the shower. And would I be in a different place if I had not been and answered? Would I know the truth? he hasn't call, and he isn't calling (me back again), and he's moving FAST on the track to being a number. just another hookup, to meet, and do, and forget. And I'm not afriad of it anymore if he is because I'm already getting dissattached.
What I am afraid of is what if he is interested in me but because he doesn't know me, is too chicken shit to make a move. This is what I wrote about him once; SO what if I like him? What if I slept with friend? So! What if I'm delusional enough to want to get to know him. What if I have the balls enough to ask hookup#9 about his friend. I'm going to look forward to this, whatever it develops into, if at all.
And just because i play the game, doesn't mean I rule myself out for the ability to settle down either. Doesn't mean I rule out crushing on someone for who they are, not what they;re like.
And I just have to see where it goes, but that's me keeping hope. 8 School Days including today is all the time I'm giving him. Then I'm going into the game myself, no more waiting.
For that day, that moment. It meant something. It meant more than any comment I've received because I thought he was just using a bit of the old southern charm on me, just playing the gentleman card, saying before me, opening doors offering me what he was drinking (I refused). And before I knew it in the time frame of 40 minutes. I was attached. Attached to that idea of me and him, maybe. It's not that I was expecting a relationship, more just like a date or two, maybe a few texts, a friend, nothing serious, but fast. A friends with benefits with having the potential to be something more.
And I just need to get it out of my system. I need to exhaust the topic and thoughts of him and just let him go.And I think part of my problem is that when it comes to love, lust. I either go all the way, (most cases yes) or I don't. I was looking at my past blogs and read how I've been blogging about him since December when he was the elusive picture of my exhookup's friend who was nice, sweet. I wrote how I just wanted to talk to him, get to know him, how I knew it made NO SENSE, that I didn't have a chance in the world because he's the friend of a hookup and now Look at me. He's free game and I have his number and back then, that's all I wanted, his number. And he has mine, and he hasn't called, and stupid of me to even think that he would call, and he did, once and I Missed it. I was in the shower. And would I be in a different place if I had not been and answered? Would I know the truth? he hasn't call, and he isn't calling (me back again), and he's moving FAST on the track to being a number. just another hookup, to meet, and do, and forget. And I'm not afriad of it anymore if he is because I'm already getting dissattached.
What I am afraid of is what if he is interested in me but because he doesn't know me, is too chicken shit to make a move. This is what I wrote about him once; SO what if I like him? What if I slept with friend? So! What if I'm delusional enough to want to get to know him. What if I have the balls enough to ask hookup#9 about his friend. I'm going to look forward to this, whatever it develops into, if at all.
And just because i play the game, doesn't mean I rule myself out for the ability to settle down either. Doesn't mean I rule out crushing on someone for who they are, not what they;re like.
And I just have to see where it goes, but that's me keeping hope. 8 School Days including today is all the time I'm giving him. Then I'm going into the game myself, no more waiting.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Sexy fish.
I was going to write about how I got attached to stupido and developed an unwanted crush BUT
I'm happy. and why bring that down?
I read this sentence in the book I'm reading, it was describing another character and it said "happy is his fallback mood".
And mostly for me, it is. then the book continue and I thought wow, no wonder people think I'm hyper/bright/blond.
"because he was just the type of person to wake up happy. and really who does that? who really wakes up happy?"
The character does. And I do. & i like it that happy is my fallback mood.
Yeah. I'll explain the stupido later but for now I'm going to be happy dammnit and play some well earn game time (sims2 <3) and maybe write, and read before bed.
Yeah sounds like a good night.
I'm happy. and why bring that down?
I read this sentence in the book I'm reading, it was describing another character and it said "happy is his fallback mood".
And mostly for me, it is. then the book continue and I thought wow, no wonder people think I'm hyper/bright/blond.
"because he was just the type of person to wake up happy. and really who does that? who really wakes up happy?"
The character does. And I do. & i like it that happy is my fallback mood.
Yeah. I'll explain the stupido later but for now I'm going to be happy dammnit and play some well earn game time (sims2 <3) and maybe write, and read before bed.
Yeah sounds like a good night.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
If I could find my reasoning.
It's amazing how one person can changed your whole day. your attitude. your emotions.
with a simple, overly cliche joke.
So I'm having this fraud issue with my bank (I've been hacked >_>), it's mostly resolved but I still have to wait till I get to zero in order to close it and do away with and so I was on the phone with a guy name Scott from god knows where he was outsourced. But he sounded young, and kind, and was patient with me and I'm HORRIBLE like HORRIBLE at explaining my customer service crap problems. >_> But he was extremely patient and eventually he said I got what you're saying and I'll take care of it, again -_- and then after a few minutes, he was like okay, you should be able to closed on Friday. And I was like thank you, is there anything else I should be aware of? And he said, "don't take candy from strangers..." I laugh and said thank you again and hung up." I could have hugged him. The absurdity of it, of that comment, me, ms. I'm going to lose my virginity to a 27 year old guy who was in his 25th hour for possession, dealing who I met over myspace, at 18 and talk to a few times before saying let's do it. I just laugh and realized I have to lighten the fuck up. I only got about 10 years left and that's stretching before my looks go so to hell with relationships. I'll have my whole life to worry about that. If a guy wants me for me, fine, if a guy wants me for hooking up, fine by me, if he is fine too xD. But I need an attitude adjustment, and it's not going to work with me destroying myself through cutting, through smoking, through drinking, or fucking. it's only going to work on me through writing, and living life like I want to. And that's the only way to go.
with a simple, overly cliche joke.
So I'm having this fraud issue with my bank (I've been hacked >_>), it's mostly resolved but I still have to wait till I get to zero in order to close it and do away with and so I was on the phone with a guy name Scott from god knows where he was outsourced. But he sounded young, and kind, and was patient with me and I'm HORRIBLE like HORRIBLE at explaining my customer service crap problems. >_> But he was extremely patient and eventually he said I got what you're saying and I'll take care of it, again -_- and then after a few minutes, he was like okay, you should be able to closed on Friday. And I was like thank you, is there anything else I should be aware of? And he said, "don't take candy from strangers..." I laugh and said thank you again and hung up." I could have hugged him. The absurdity of it, of that comment, me, ms. I'm going to lose my virginity to a 27 year old guy who was in his 25th hour for possession, dealing who I met over myspace, at 18 and talk to a few times before saying let's do it. I just laugh and realized I have to lighten the fuck up. I only got about 10 years left and that's stretching before my looks go so to hell with relationships. I'll have my whole life to worry about that. If a guy wants me for me, fine, if a guy wants me for hooking up, fine by me, if he is fine too xD. But I need an attitude adjustment, and it's not going to work with me destroying myself through cutting, through smoking, through drinking, or fucking. it's only going to work on me through writing, and living life like I want to. And that's the only way to go.
Living is easy with eyes closed
I need to find my core. Need to find my own place. Need to be able to smell the daffodils and go to Innisfree.
I was so proud of myself for how I handled today. It was such a happy day too and then I came home. Big Mistake. If I had known it was going to bring me so down I would have made some bullshit excuse to stay at the library or anywhere. It wasn't that home wasn't bad, or that there were chores and crap to do, it was just that I came home and logged into my myspace to check a message. pretty normal, right? Yeah, but what I saw, whom I saw, photos of my past coming alive in the present, recently taken pics, and I know I should just delete our mutual friend forever and just forget. And I was forgetting, every day being easier, most days becoming the norm where the time passes without a thoguht of him. Like it should be. Because by now I should just move on and go. Go live. But it still affects me, songs, they bring back memories, and some of my very favorite songs that I have been listening to forever, I can't sing to because I will think of him all through out the song. And I know that I should just say fuck him, he's an idiot who didn't know how good he had it with me, and I know that he moved on, even before he left me for her, and he forgot about me long ago. Stop caring and I hate my heart for still thinking of him. For looking at the photos and saying to myself, I don't know that house. I didn't get a chance to. I should be there, sitting, with them, and I'm not and I never will be. And I wold have been alright, been better at handling these photos, the memories, if it wasn't for this early morning.
Early morning; I woke up, don't know why because I was having a wonderful dream in which Mr.Viking paid me a visit and we were just sitting across from each other on the floor, talking. That was it. And I woke up, couldn't fall back asleep. I started reading my current book; Belong to Me by Marisa de lo Santos. And it was going great, I was really enjoying it until a new character emerged, A new character who was dying already of cancer. And the waiting, the frustration. It just got to me, and I whispered down to the book, whispered into it. "I miss you grandma..." I really do, you were the one teaching me how to cook, even though you lived 300 miles away. No one else bothered, parents too busy, household too busy, and it was all by phone, and i was just trying to help, to cook dinner, and I just needed a bit of instruction, what spices to put, which ingredient is boiled first, how to make those salsas. How to cut that, and you answered every time and guided me through and they came out delicious, every time. Why wouldn't they? I'm real good at listening and you were good at directing, and I miss you and I haven't cooked anything since. Not anything complicated because sometimes being the kitchen it hurts, knowing I can't call you anymore and that damn book, she was dying,and there was nothing that could be done about the cancer, just like in real life. and I should be writing this in my private journal, my new journal, beautiful as it is, but I don't want to. I want to fill that with my hope, and just past these entries once I paste them out into the back of the book, as an afterthought, because that's all they should be to me. Afterthoughts of no real importance, and I should be happy. No real problems now. Nothing holding me back, so why do I keep holding on? I need to let go. I need to just be strong enough to let go.
And I want a cigarette still. and a drink. and maybe a fuck (for which the possibility is too real and oh so tempting). But maybe maybe I'll be strong enough to throw off those urges. maybe not. I just need to breathe.
I was so proud of myself for how I handled today. It was such a happy day too and then I came home. Big Mistake. If I had known it was going to bring me so down I would have made some bullshit excuse to stay at the library or anywhere. It wasn't that home wasn't bad, or that there were chores and crap to do, it was just that I came home and logged into my myspace to check a message. pretty normal, right? Yeah, but what I saw, whom I saw, photos of my past coming alive in the present, recently taken pics, and I know I should just delete our mutual friend forever and just forget. And I was forgetting, every day being easier, most days becoming the norm where the time passes without a thoguht of him. Like it should be. Because by now I should just move on and go. Go live. But it still affects me, songs, they bring back memories, and some of my very favorite songs that I have been listening to forever, I can't sing to because I will think of him all through out the song. And I know that I should just say fuck him, he's an idiot who didn't know how good he had it with me, and I know that he moved on, even before he left me for her, and he forgot about me long ago. Stop caring and I hate my heart for still thinking of him. For looking at the photos and saying to myself, I don't know that house. I didn't get a chance to. I should be there, sitting, with them, and I'm not and I never will be. And I wold have been alright, been better at handling these photos, the memories, if it wasn't for this early morning.
Early morning; I woke up, don't know why because I was having a wonderful dream in which Mr.Viking paid me a visit and we were just sitting across from each other on the floor, talking. That was it. And I woke up, couldn't fall back asleep. I started reading my current book; Belong to Me by Marisa de lo Santos. And it was going great, I was really enjoying it until a new character emerged, A new character who was dying already of cancer. And the waiting, the frustration. It just got to me, and I whispered down to the book, whispered into it. "I miss you grandma..." I really do, you were the one teaching me how to cook, even though you lived 300 miles away. No one else bothered, parents too busy, household too busy, and it was all by phone, and i was just trying to help, to cook dinner, and I just needed a bit of instruction, what spices to put, which ingredient is boiled first, how to make those salsas. How to cut that, and you answered every time and guided me through and they came out delicious, every time. Why wouldn't they? I'm real good at listening and you were good at directing, and I miss you and I haven't cooked anything since. Not anything complicated because sometimes being the kitchen it hurts, knowing I can't call you anymore and that damn book, she was dying,and there was nothing that could be done about the cancer, just like in real life. and I should be writing this in my private journal, my new journal, beautiful as it is, but I don't want to. I want to fill that with my hope, and just past these entries once I paste them out into the back of the book, as an afterthought, because that's all they should be to me. Afterthoughts of no real importance, and I should be happy. No real problems now. Nothing holding me back, so why do I keep holding on? I need to let go. I need to just be strong enough to let go.
And I want a cigarette still. and a drink. and maybe a fuck (for which the possibility is too real and oh so tempting). But maybe maybe I'll be strong enough to throw off those urges. maybe not. I just need to breathe.
Friday, January 22, 2010
An epiphany with a song.
Sometimes there is that gem of a song that you have been listening for years because it's a great song on it's own with a sweet beat and nice vocals. And then days, months, years past, and the song is still there being great but then you just find yourself in a place, on a night, listening to music and the song hits you. And it hits you again and again and the lyrics just grabbed at you, and you just find yourself relating and going, I never figured that one day I will be in a situation that I could sing this song with my actual heart behind it. and this was just a cool song and now it means the world. Now it describes me and I just wonder at how the songwriters knew. How they knew that people would find themselves relating to this and what had they gone through in order to be able to write down so well, to capture it, and to form it into a song that just makes you breathe and realized that yes, this song is you, and yes it is other people too in their own way, and that out of everything, that life goes on, and that you're not the only one with those feelings. And now finding myself there with those words. I get it.
Am I more than you bargained for yet
I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear
Cause that's just who I am this week
...
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song
...
Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team
...
Wishing to be the friction in her jeans
Isn't it messed up how I'm just dying to be him
...
We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it.
...
Just pull it. Just fucking pull it.
.
I can honestly say I get it. I actually relate, and not just fake relate to it like many teeny-boopers middle schoolers who related to the love game, or who wanted to make a bad romance. No, you don't you're only 11-12 years old, and you don't know what it's like to be a dancer in the dark, and if you do. I'm sorry, but I'm not talking about the exception, I'm talking about the majority, the normal girls.
But I can honestly say that I relate to those lyrics. :/ And I had my motherfucking epiphany, sitting here, typing up my homework, and the song comes on and I'm listening to it, singing along, not even paying much attention to the lyrics when I hear that, I'm (he's) just a notch on your bedpost and he is, you're (I am) just a line in the song, I really am.
If it comes to anything, that is just what he is going to be, and all my potential might be just that but I'm just letting this out. just writing it out, get it out of my system. Because I'm just going to take it as it comes, and let the chips fall where they will, and I'll be right there to step it up.
Am I more than you bargained for yet
I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear
Cause that's just who I am this week
...
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song
...
Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team
...
Wishing to be the friction in her jeans
Isn't it messed up how I'm just dying to be him
...
We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it.
...
Just pull it. Just fucking pull it.
.
I can honestly say I get it. I actually relate, and not just fake relate to it like many teeny-boopers middle schoolers who related to the love game, or who wanted to make a bad romance. No, you don't you're only 11-12 years old, and you don't know what it's like to be a dancer in the dark, and if you do. I'm sorry, but I'm not talking about the exception, I'm talking about the majority, the normal girls.
But I can honestly say that I relate to those lyrics. :/ And I had my motherfucking epiphany, sitting here, typing up my homework, and the song comes on and I'm listening to it, singing along, not even paying much attention to the lyrics when I hear that, I'm (he's) just a notch on your bedpost and he is, you're (I am) just a line in the song, I really am.
If it comes to anything, that is just what he is going to be, and all my potential might be just that but I'm just letting this out. just writing it out, get it out of my system. Because I'm just going to take it as it comes, and let the chips fall where they will, and I'll be right there to step it up.
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