capturing moods.

Just goes to show you. I went away after my last post for a few hours, just spending time with my family, being the little organizer, reading away, and yet in the back of my mind the rules where there.

The rules and the point of them was to prevent what I fear the most.

Ruling out the dorks just because I could get attached to them. Ha. The problem with rules is that they're rules and who wants to be determine by them for the rest of their lives?

I had a dream, two nights ago. I was in a warm bed, being held by strong arms, intertwine so comfortably, breathing in his smell. It was my stupid ex and he was murmuring to me that he was still sleepy bunny. calling me bunny. I woke up and thought it was real for a splint second when I felt how enveloped I was, how my body just seemed to be held tight. I was in a spoon cocoon that I built out of those massive blankets I use for the winter. The heavy ones that they make in Mexico with the huge flowers on them. I was under two of them and my coverlet. The pillow leaning against my back . Ofcourse I would dream about being held by him because it's the happiest I was ever because I thought he loved me.

It's been a year and I still dream of him. How fuck up is that? I fear that that I will become my cousin. That the only love she had, she threw away and I let mine go. I know I could have had fuckface back. I could have brought him back to me, with enough pleading and grabbing his hair, he would be with me. But he would hate me and I will hate him and any trust gone.

Is this why I dream of Christopher so badly? Because I see him incapable of hurting me? Is this who I will be? A spinster who's greatest love left her bitter before she turned 25.

I'm bitter. jaded. People label me as too happy, ask me if I'm ever sad. They don't know about my blog. They don't know how sometimes I wake up with a bad taste in my mouth. How some songs I still can't sing because they hold too many memories, even though I miss them because they're by my favorite band/singer.

I still have trouble painting my nails. Just because it was a treat for him, how he would delight in my hands, in the color of my nails. How I would call him and ask him, what color bunny? what color? and damn me if he wasn't excited by the time he came to pick me up, asking to see my short stubby little nail bitten hands before even a kiss on the mouth, rather kissing my hand and calling me his amore.

I'm afraid of that. And yet it's what I want.

So much of myself and him went into our relationship. We forgot to be ourselves and in a way it was beautiful. Unhealthy for damn sure, no space between us, but it held an intensity that both us brought along to burn with no limits. Within 3 years, we knew everything about each other, he even had my cycles better calculated than I did. He knew my body and I knew his. What I didn't count on was his mind to burn through me and away. There was no reason but I should have known, with his background, with his present, and no hope for a future, all he had was a thrilling present as much as an adventure as he could make it. Should have known as his first anything and everything that he was going to want others. I allowed him to play, but to always let me know and he still did it behind my back. Had to say goodbye because of that but the truth is he dumped me. He left me. And as the lover spurned, I was left dying, just dying for him to come back. I still don't trust myself like I did before. I still know that if he wanted to come back, I would let him. I'm too weak and it makes me sick. makes me seek out power in any form I can get. Letting me sleep through guys without any attachement because to get attached was to be the ultimate weakling. I'm afraid I will never be able to put him behind me. It's a been a year and why am I still dreaming of him?

I should just call it all quits. The game. everything. Just become a nun, funny, just like in high school. Me and my books and that was fine for me. Only this time I have memories and memories of the guys who wanted to be with me and I said no.

And then this stupid crush on #9's friend. forget about it. I'm going back to my writing and my books. And the best I can hope for is a dream where he isn't in it.

Just play it how it is.

If I just follow my own rules. I should be fine.

The more I talk to guys the more I'm reminded of the reasons why I should play and not become involved.

Seriously, married men. Like what the hell, you have your wife at home, and she's beautiful. You said I do to her, back it up! Idiots!

Older, much older divorce men. Yes, we know you went through a painful divorce. yes, you are single and available and are ready to play because your divorce left you scared. BUT, must you go after girls young enough to be your daughters? Seriously? You're how old? And you're looking for girls in what age? I know, I know, you don't want to discriminate in age but really, now you're just being perverted.I know they joke about me and going after youngsters, but I don't go for guys a decade younger than me at least. Perverts!

And then there are the "single" men. How the hell do you think you're kidding? And are you that dumb? Or do I play being the dumb blond too well? Do you really think I'm that stupid. *roll eyes*. It's obvious you have a girlfriend. If not here in the city, that you're attached to someone, but long distance or not, she's still your girlfriend. You're just losers for being scared of your own relationship. Either play the field right or have enough balls to break up with her before you get caught. Because you will get caught. the game will only come back to hunt you. Cowards!

Then there are actually single guys. Le sigh. I understand that at this point, you're all have been attached at one point with someone pretty serious. But just because you had bad experiences means that shouldn't try again. Grow some balls guys, there are plenty of single girls who would love to have you.

Me included eventually. As soon as I find that the hand that mine fits into. That and when I stop thinking of that guy I met through my hookup. That'll fade out, I hope.

Rules:

1.No playing with guys who are married/engaged/are boyfriends (attached)

2. No one older than 6 years or younger than 4.

3. No one shorter than me. No one of a smaller body frame (to an extent)

4. No latinos. Sorry, don't do my own race, I know them too well.

5. No one into drugs. (smokers okay. drinkers not so much.)

6. No fucktards. No creeps. If you give me the weirdo vibe, bye.

7. No one too good looking because they know how well they look and I don't need to feel that you're thinking you're having sympathy sex with me. Um-no. Also because you're so good looking, I know you're taking advantage of that and your numbers tend to run double digits. No thank you on the STD's either. Average guys are better anyway.

8. No dorks. Just because I tend to get attached to you. (case in point: hookup's best friend >_> goodlord why do I keep thinking of him?! -_- Boo. Just thumbs down. Is it bad that I'm hoping to bump into him when Spring semester starts? I've never blogged this much about a guy. Why him? he probably has a girlfriends. Dorks like him always do. And besides I played with his friend. -_-

The retracted rule that was formerly rule #9: No hooking up with friends of hook ups.

It gets weird fast. But only if your original hook up is a douchebag. I'm better playing this by ear and see how it develops because sometimes this opens up alot of guys :P But a must is keeping it to yourself unless you want drama by comparison. Sometimes it's nice to be known as easy and sometimes it's not.

Just see how it goes.

Just don't.

I'm acting out against my own stupidity. About to make another mistake, one I will regret. Breaking another rule just because I developed a crush on the friend of my hookup and hating myself for it does not mean that I have to act out against it and find myself some even more extreme action to get my mind off it.

The extreme action: a married man. and he keeps talking to me.

I keep thinking of who am I becoming. Flirting with a married man. How stupid have I become and I just hate my ex for making me into this person. By making me feel so insecure about myself that I need to feel that I have to prove to myself that I can do this, can do that, prove that I can be anyone I want to be and have anyone I want, including married men and women.

Just because he left me for her. Just like the song, nothing can save me now.

and the only hope I had to redeem myself, I only fuck it up by hooking up with his friend. FML. the girlfriend was right, just like always. And I hate it.

I just hope that after I come out of this, by myself, that the people important to me will still be here, no matter how much I fuck up, or more precisecly who I fuck.

I don't need to be judged. I judge myself. i admit to my mistakes, harder on myself than the words of anyone else because it hurts. hurts knowing I might have blown my chance at something by burning through the game. The point of the game is no attachment, so how did I end up liking his friend. -_-

I'm just going to fade out into my books. Fini.

Then I remember

That my girlfriends are my girlfriends for a reason. They totally redeem themselves with one word. With an action and I'm back like a dog to its master. Le sigh. It's all a matter of balance.

...Still thinking about him. Not as much but he lingers. Tomorrow.

Fact!

I called them my friends. They shouldn't be jealous for me whenever I do anything involving men. They shouldn't take out their pettiness just because I get ass sometimes, not that often, more than they can get and when I want to be a girlfriend and share the juicy gossip sex stories that we're supposed to have, the slumber girl, talk on the phone forever because they're my girlfriends and these bitches, they get bitchy because they think I don't know what the fuck am I doing!

I admit that fucktard! I don't know what I'm doing! And I'm fine with it. I'm the first to admit I don't know what I'm doing or what I really want. Whatever, let them get bitchy, which is probably coming from their inability to be happy for me, which stems from their jealousy because I have balls enough to lower my standards and go after guys physically. And just because i play the game, doesn't mean I rule myself out for the ability to settle down either. Doesn't mean I rule out crushing on someone for who they are, not what they;re like.

SO what if I like him? What if I slept with friend? So! What if I'm delusional enough to want to get to know him. What if I have the balls enough to ask hookup#9 about his friend. I'm going to look forward to this, whatever it develops into, if at all.

Sometimes only fellow lovers, (which I have ONE, pitifully just ONE friend of) can understand what a lover feels.

Omigod you guys!

I just finished watching the musical production of Legally Blonde. Marvelous is too short a word for it. I really like it and hope to get the chance soon, like really soon to be able to have a chance to read that book as well. After seeing the movie and the musical, I'm only more convince of the power of the protagonist Elle Woods. I love her for a few reasons. Unlike the controversy that surrounds Ms. Bella Swan of Twilight who is rumored to be a real traditionalist, ms. no interests beyond her vampire boyfriend at all. Elle was like that too. Her goal in life was to get engaged to Warner and then they broke up, and you know the story, she followed him to law school and omigod you guys she found herself. She found the strength to be herself and her passion and suddenly it wasn't all about Warner (prick!) but about what she wanted to do with her life and the realization that she's not just a blonde like everyone labeled her. And she didn't have to turn into a total prude in order to do it. She does it with the pride of every woman who ever felt pretty, but using the best trick to feel beautiful: her confidence. For the longest time, I felt like doing my hair and spending more than 10 minutes on my morning routine was the dumbest thing ever. I misjudged, because I had no clue about the power of appearance with my wanna-be goth attire and hair in a bun. Let's just say I blossom into my looks and I'm making every effort for both my inner and outer beauty to match themselves. Elle brings all this, making sexy smart, because really in order to rule the world, there has to be something more than either just boobs or just books. or just a vampire boyfriend.

countdown.

I made up my mind. Mostly because I woke up and I was still infatuated, not with an inkling of fading. So Sunday, if I'm still thinking about him, and this isn't just the void speaking up, that he is just a void filler, that hookup guy has a girl, and hooking up with his friend is better, but the thing that makes no sense is that while I couldn't think of hookup guy as anything but sexual, I only want to talk to his friend. Like talk=talk. SO I'm waiting till Sunday Morning comes along, to make sure it's not the pesky void filler whispering.

"hey what's your friend's name and number, he was cool."

Hmm. I'll work on it.