Thinking this is how it's out to be.

I miss writing out in my journal. I miss writing it out with a pen, and not typing it in. I wasn't going to write about missing writing longhand in my journal. I was going to write about the very off-week I had, but somehow I forgot about that and remember my journal. How I use to tape things in it. How I use to draw in it. Make it mine, and I went looking for it today. The journal I last wrote it. A damask fabric bound diary with beautiful embroidery, a gift from a coworker long ago for secret santa.
I can't find it. I can't find it. I know I only had a few pages to write in before I ran out but it was still a few pages and now I can't find it. I can't find that. I can't find my little black book where I wrote down my book list of books I wanted to read.

While I was searching I found this other diary that I never wrote in. My uncle gave it to me long long ago, while I was still in high school. The year 2003 is clearly mark in it. I think I'll start writing there. I never wrote in it, well because at that time I had a different diary I was writing in. Better late than never, but I keep hope I'll find both the purple diary and the black book of lists.

These feelings

Of dislocation, of restlessness, of dissatisfaction with my life, they went away. For the whole of one day. But they come and go now. In my solitude they haunt me. The feeling that I'm not living life like I should. I was very very happy just last week, happy with everything and everyone and having really good days, really happy days. Somehow over the weekend, it started going to shit. Even though nothing change. I hope I'm just having an off week or something because I want to feel like I use to; happy.

Dislocation? Restlessness? What is this?

Why do I feel like this? Tonight, it slowly started sinking in, maybe I'm just tired? I just want to drop everything and leave. Travel. Do something, be someone else instead of who I am. I don't know what lead to this and it's freaking me out a bit. I have so much going on, and most days I'm happy, really happy, content to be with myself, but there are moments, rare like this when I can't seem to get my focus on anything. >_> WTF? I don't like feeling restless, feeling like I'm not doing anything with my life, I know I am, then why do I feel like this? Maybe I just need a day to myself? I'm going to try to give homework another shot, if not I'm going to sleep.

Maybe.

Years. It's been a long while since I saw him. Everyone indulges me in my fantasy of him. I can't help but smile, feel giddy, beam, really just glow at the thought of him. My friends joke and laugh because he's such a dork, that it's ridiculously funny, and to me ridiculously endearing. I've always felt that way about him, ever since I knew of him. Even before I fell hard for my ex, even when I was with him. I never gave up hope for my daydream. My ex knew this. And at first, when our relationship was getting serious, my ex could tell that I love the daydream more than him. Maybe that's why he's an ex? Maybe he felt that he could never live up to that fantasy. I didn't expect him to. I found this postsecrets online. Three of them, at separate times, and each time I saw them. I broke down. I was never the type to fully sob your heart out dramatics, always my cries were silent, a souvenir of the shy quiet girl I was.
The first one made me get angry and just broke my heart, knowing that there was someone else out there who felt just like I did.
"Why didn't he fight for me? I wanted him to fight for me. He was supposed to fight for me." In my mind I saw it as choosing me over her. He was supposed to chose me. A part of me will always love him. He was my first serious love, a part of me will always take him back. The next secret is "I cheated on my husband, only so he would let go." This is true, because I would have never let him go. Any dumping would have not been by me. He left me. He dump me. He said "It's over." He hurt me, brought me down to a new low, especially so soon after my grandma's passing, and my dog's passing. Some days and nights, despite the cheery smile I put up, all I could do was stare at his number on my phone. Some nights only get so dark. The other secret which made me heal is "Letting go of the woman I love, in hopes she will be happier with someone else is the worst, best, hardest thing I ever done." I knew him. I knew him better than anything, even after he left me for her, I still knew him. Told him so in a text, to stop hiding behind her, that to stop putting up the front, that I knew he was falling to pieces too, just hiding out behind his stone face. I called him out to his emotions in that text and he called me back. He asked me how did I know that it was a cover, a front. Like I said, I knew him. You never stop knowing a person, especially after that type of relationship. It still hurts me sometimes. I still want him to come home to me. Still want to feel his arms around me, singing to me, showing me how childish he could be in his goofy singing, he let his guard down with me. We thought we were forever. He let me go.

And after everything all I had to hold me, to believe in, when I had no hope, no faith, not even in myself, not even in my librarian, what did I have? A picture.
A picture of my daydream. The only picture we took together. I would stare at it, and fall asleep, never failing to make me feel at least okay and a bit peaceful thinking on those times. My friends call my daydream an emotional dependence, my security blanket. I've tried so many times to forget my daydream. Years. Almost did when I was in love with my ex.

I know no one will believe me if I say so now. I think I wrote it somewhere in my old journals. I was a freshman. 14 years old and writing my first novel, a young adult fantasy, that surprise, surprise, I finished when I was 15/16. But while I was writing it, more than any of the dozens of crushes I had at school. I felt happy, believing in this idea that there was a guy out there for me. A guy just like me, who love to read, and who at that very moment, was writing his novel too. Someone just as lost as I am in books, writings, mangas, movies, music. Someone who knows what it's like not to be able to relate to other people. I love him. Had too much heart, too much love, for this imaginary soulmate of mine. Funny how even though, I love the blond, blue eyes, I wanted my soulmate to have brown eyes just like mine, so I would know that he didn't think mine were ugly, common, just because their brown because he would have them too and know the beauty that can be found in the everyday. In a everyday person like me. I love him. I didn't know him. Didn't really care, as long as he was mine.
A year later is when I first heard of my daydream. I didn't know he was only a few years older than me. I just heard it was a good book. I was in Wal-Mart when I saw it on the shelves and pick it up to read the synopsis. When I turn to the author flap and saw him, I didn't drop the book, but I don't know how long I stared at his photo, thinking, he has brown eyes too. Everything that came after that; the obsessions, the letters, the photo, it just reaffirms my daydream. I love him, and it's stupid for me feeling so, real stupid. I love him. I Love the idea of him, and I won't give up hope, not till I get my chance, a real chance.

So maybe now this prayer,
the last one of its kind.
Won't you please come get your baby?
Maybe.

Pumpkin Spice

Inspired by both Mikko & Joey; I am not writing a dream blog.

I've had other dreams last night but I can't remember any except the one I had this early morning. Mikko and I were at school (UNLV) and we headed up to the starbucks in there. Apparently we knew the cashier and there was this huge counter, not a glass display case. The cashier greeted us kindly "Good Morning, Mikko, Stephanie", and said "I've just made pumpkin pie for our customers. Help Yourselves."
She put a huge baking tray of a two tier square pumpkin pie. Mikko and I started tasting it (with our bare hands no less) and we got carried away. By the time we stopped, we ate almost the whole thing. O_o Then Mikko and I were staring at each other, saying maybe we should make a quick exit before anyone notices how much we ate.

That's it. Even in my dreams I'm eating -_-

And also in the 8th grade, I learned how to make Pumpkin Pie. Now I want some.

Her answer

Maybe I change my mind. FAIL. BIG FAIL. Ms. honesty no more denial changes her mind about having a boyfriend. I want someone, something, just so I won't feel so alone at times. Most of the times I'm not lonely, but the nights are long. I want that connection. I want that person that can make me feel beautiful, it doesn't matter whether it's for only a little while. It doesn't matter how long it last, whether it is serious or just for fun. I just want to feel appreciated.

There I changed my mind. That's what I want. I want to fill up whatever space is eating me up when my guard is down. I want to have fun. I want to feel. I want to dream. I want to live.

So there.

Listening to: In the Still of the Night by Five Saints

Ask her.

LISTENING TO: And I love her- Beatles

For the longest time I've been avoiding relationships. At first I was having fun with no strings attached, but like before, that got old, and fast! I still drool over any cute guy or girl that passes me by, but today Mikko, my best friend asked me what exactly it is that I want. I started describing that one night stands are nice, but I want a friends with benefits, but as always with friends with benefits, the friends part is quickly forgotten in favor of the benefits part (I know this from experience as well. So he asked me whether I wanted a boyfriend and at first I said no, because I don't want the commitment. I don't want to be grounded down so into a relationship. He asked me what I was scared of, why didn't I want to commit and I realized that I am not scared of commitment but I'm afraid of losing myself, my individuality, my personality to that relationship, like I did before. My ex became my whole world. He was my world. When it ended, I had to rebulid mine and in rebuilding it, I couldn't believe just how much of myself I lost because of my ex, because of that relationship. I was sacrificing myself for him. I had stopped writing, stopped alternating jewelry, stop any interests, like being a wannabe into the greaser culture, dancing, just stuff and clubs I wanted to be a part of, I stopped. I rarely saw my friends.
This is what has been stopping me, not wanting to lose what I have regain to another relationship. I don't have to lose it, I realized now. A relationship so center on itself, with the individuals losing their personality to it is just bound to go wrong. Another aspect of the fact that I was really in denial to what I wanted is because I know who I want, but to quote Love Hina (manga by ken Akamatsu "I haven't seen that person in years. He probably doesn't even remember what I look like". He's just a fantasy and the chance of him and being together are ultra slim to none. So even though I am up in the clouds, over the moon when I think of him, I keep my feet on the ground, and keep my options open. So Mikko, thank you for asking. I can answer your question: I do want a boyfriend, and this time I won't make the same mistakes. Who know where it will go?