Ask her.

LISTENING TO: And I love her- Beatles

For the longest time I've been avoiding relationships. At first I was having fun with no strings attached, but like before, that got old, and fast! I still drool over any cute guy or girl that passes me by, but today Mikko, my best friend asked me what exactly it is that I want. I started describing that one night stands are nice, but I want a friends with benefits, but as always with friends with benefits, the friends part is quickly forgotten in favor of the benefits part (I know this from experience as well. So he asked me whether I wanted a boyfriend and at first I said no, because I don't want the commitment. I don't want to be grounded down so into a relationship. He asked me what I was scared of, why didn't I want to commit and I realized that I am not scared of commitment but I'm afraid of losing myself, my individuality, my personality to that relationship, like I did before. My ex became my whole world. He was my world. When it ended, I had to rebulid mine and in rebuilding it, I couldn't believe just how much of myself I lost because of my ex, because of that relationship. I was sacrificing myself for him. I had stopped writing, stopped alternating jewelry, stop any interests, like being a wannabe into the greaser culture, dancing, just stuff and clubs I wanted to be a part of, I stopped. I rarely saw my friends.
This is what has been stopping me, not wanting to lose what I have regain to another relationship. I don't have to lose it, I realized now. A relationship so center on itself, with the individuals losing their personality to it is just bound to go wrong. Another aspect of the fact that I was really in denial to what I wanted is because I know who I want, but to quote Love Hina (manga by ken Akamatsu "I haven't seen that person in years. He probably doesn't even remember what I look like". He's just a fantasy and the chance of him and being together are ultra slim to none. So even though I am up in the clouds, over the moon when I think of him, I keep my feet on the ground, and keep my options open. So Mikko, thank you for asking. I can answer your question: I do want a boyfriend, and this time I won't make the same mistakes. Who know where it will go?