Maybe.

Years. It's been a long while since I saw him. Everyone indulges me in my fantasy of him. I can't help but smile, feel giddy, beam, really just glow at the thought of him. My friends joke and laugh because he's such a dork, that it's ridiculously funny, and to me ridiculously endearing. I've always felt that way about him, ever since I knew of him. Even before I fell hard for my ex, even when I was with him. I never gave up hope for my daydream. My ex knew this. And at first, when our relationship was getting serious, my ex could tell that I love the daydream more than him. Maybe that's why he's an ex? Maybe he felt that he could never live up to that fantasy. I didn't expect him to. I found this postsecrets online. Three of them, at separate times, and each time I saw them. I broke down. I was never the type to fully sob your heart out dramatics, always my cries were silent, a souvenir of the shy quiet girl I was.
The first one made me get angry and just broke my heart, knowing that there was someone else out there who felt just like I did.
"Why didn't he fight for me? I wanted him to fight for me. He was supposed to fight for me." In my mind I saw it as choosing me over her. He was supposed to chose me. A part of me will always love him. He was my first serious love, a part of me will always take him back. The next secret is "I cheated on my husband, only so he would let go." This is true, because I would have never let him go. Any dumping would have not been by me. He left me. He dump me. He said "It's over." He hurt me, brought me down to a new low, especially so soon after my grandma's passing, and my dog's passing. Some days and nights, despite the cheery smile I put up, all I could do was stare at his number on my phone. Some nights only get so dark. The other secret which made me heal is "Letting go of the woman I love, in hopes she will be happier with someone else is the worst, best, hardest thing I ever done." I knew him. I knew him better than anything, even after he left me for her, I still knew him. Told him so in a text, to stop hiding behind her, that to stop putting up the front, that I knew he was falling to pieces too, just hiding out behind his stone face. I called him out to his emotions in that text and he called me back. He asked me how did I know that it was a cover, a front. Like I said, I knew him. You never stop knowing a person, especially after that type of relationship. It still hurts me sometimes. I still want him to come home to me. Still want to feel his arms around me, singing to me, showing me how childish he could be in his goofy singing, he let his guard down with me. We thought we were forever. He let me go.

And after everything all I had to hold me, to believe in, when I had no hope, no faith, not even in myself, not even in my librarian, what did I have? A picture.
A picture of my daydream. The only picture we took together. I would stare at it, and fall asleep, never failing to make me feel at least okay and a bit peaceful thinking on those times. My friends call my daydream an emotional dependence, my security blanket. I've tried so many times to forget my daydream. Years. Almost did when I was in love with my ex.

I know no one will believe me if I say so now. I think I wrote it somewhere in my old journals. I was a freshman. 14 years old and writing my first novel, a young adult fantasy, that surprise, surprise, I finished when I was 15/16. But while I was writing it, more than any of the dozens of crushes I had at school. I felt happy, believing in this idea that there was a guy out there for me. A guy just like me, who love to read, and who at that very moment, was writing his novel too. Someone just as lost as I am in books, writings, mangas, movies, music. Someone who knows what it's like not to be able to relate to other people. I love him. Had too much heart, too much love, for this imaginary soulmate of mine. Funny how even though, I love the blond, blue eyes, I wanted my soulmate to have brown eyes just like mine, so I would know that he didn't think mine were ugly, common, just because their brown because he would have them too and know the beauty that can be found in the everyday. In a everyday person like me. I love him. I didn't know him. Didn't really care, as long as he was mine.
A year later is when I first heard of my daydream. I didn't know he was only a few years older than me. I just heard it was a good book. I was in Wal-Mart when I saw it on the shelves and pick it up to read the synopsis. When I turn to the author flap and saw him, I didn't drop the book, but I don't know how long I stared at his photo, thinking, he has brown eyes too. Everything that came after that; the obsessions, the letters, the photo, it just reaffirms my daydream. I love him, and it's stupid for me feeling so, real stupid. I love him. I Love the idea of him, and I won't give up hope, not till I get my chance, a real chance.

So maybe now this prayer,
the last one of its kind.
Won't you please come get your baby?
Maybe.

Pumpkin Spice

Inspired by both Mikko & Joey; I am not writing a dream blog.

I've had other dreams last night but I can't remember any except the one I had this early morning. Mikko and I were at school (UNLV) and we headed up to the starbucks in there. Apparently we knew the cashier and there was this huge counter, not a glass display case. The cashier greeted us kindly "Good Morning, Mikko, Stephanie", and said "I've just made pumpkin pie for our customers. Help Yourselves."
She put a huge baking tray of a two tier square pumpkin pie. Mikko and I started tasting it (with our bare hands no less) and we got carried away. By the time we stopped, we ate almost the whole thing. O_o Then Mikko and I were staring at each other, saying maybe we should make a quick exit before anyone notices how much we ate.

That's it. Even in my dreams I'm eating -_-

And also in the 8th grade, I learned how to make Pumpkin Pie. Now I want some.

Her answer

Maybe I change my mind. FAIL. BIG FAIL. Ms. honesty no more denial changes her mind about having a boyfriend. I want someone, something, just so I won't feel so alone at times. Most of the times I'm not lonely, but the nights are long. I want that connection. I want that person that can make me feel beautiful, it doesn't matter whether it's for only a little while. It doesn't matter how long it last, whether it is serious or just for fun. I just want to feel appreciated.

There I changed my mind. That's what I want. I want to fill up whatever space is eating me up when my guard is down. I want to have fun. I want to feel. I want to dream. I want to live.

So there.

Listening to: In the Still of the Night by Five Saints

Ask her.

LISTENING TO: And I love her- Beatles

For the longest time I've been avoiding relationships. At first I was having fun with no strings attached, but like before, that got old, and fast! I still drool over any cute guy or girl that passes me by, but today Mikko, my best friend asked me what exactly it is that I want. I started describing that one night stands are nice, but I want a friends with benefits, but as always with friends with benefits, the friends part is quickly forgotten in favor of the benefits part (I know this from experience as well. So he asked me whether I wanted a boyfriend and at first I said no, because I don't want the commitment. I don't want to be grounded down so into a relationship. He asked me what I was scared of, why didn't I want to commit and I realized that I am not scared of commitment but I'm afraid of losing myself, my individuality, my personality to that relationship, like I did before. My ex became my whole world. He was my world. When it ended, I had to rebulid mine and in rebuilding it, I couldn't believe just how much of myself I lost because of my ex, because of that relationship. I was sacrificing myself for him. I had stopped writing, stopped alternating jewelry, stop any interests, like being a wannabe into the greaser culture, dancing, just stuff and clubs I wanted to be a part of, I stopped. I rarely saw my friends.
This is what has been stopping me, not wanting to lose what I have regain to another relationship. I don't have to lose it, I realized now. A relationship so center on itself, with the individuals losing their personality to it is just bound to go wrong. Another aspect of the fact that I was really in denial to what I wanted is because I know who I want, but to quote Love Hina (manga by ken Akamatsu "I haven't seen that person in years. He probably doesn't even remember what I look like". He's just a fantasy and the chance of him and being together are ultra slim to none. So even though I am up in the clouds, over the moon when I think of him, I keep my feet on the ground, and keep my options open. So Mikko, thank you for asking. I can answer your question: I do want a boyfriend, and this time I won't make the same mistakes. Who know where it will go?

Anecdote of a Jar

Anecdote of the Jar

I placed a jar in Tennessee,
And round it was, upon a hill.
It made the slovenly wilderness
Surround that hill.

The wilderness rose up to it,
And sprawled around, no longer wild.
The jar was round upon the ground
And tall and of a port in air.

It took dominion everywhere.
The jar was gray and bare.
It did not give of bird or bush,
Like nothing else in Tennessee.

Wallace Stevens.

I read this for class. I developed a rather different viewpoint from what my classmates and apparently the rest of the academic world has on the meaning of the poem. My Professor, who is not conceited in his teachings about the fact that poetry only have one interpretation, actually encouraged my viewpoint of it. I'm very grateful for that his interests in it, going so far as to call it ingenious. ^_^ Encouraged by this, I am spamming it in my journal to the world, my look at this poem.

Before I post what I feel when I read it, think about what you believe the author is saying in the poem & stand by your beliefs.

The Anecdote of the Jar, though only a poem composed of a brief 12 lines, has been much debated about its lyrical content and meaning. Each person has attached their own theory to what exactly is Stevens writing about. Among the much debated of its content arise two prominent theories of Stevens’ poem. Patricia Merivale, in her article ‘Wallace Stevens' "Jar": The Absurd Detritus of Romantic Myth’; states that there are mainly ‘two schools of thought on Stevens’ poem’ (Merivale, 527). A positive and a negative theory. The positive theory is that of ‘A modern Grecian urn…Bringing order out of the chaos of the ‘slovenly wilderness’. The negative connotation focuses on the final stanza of the poem: ‘on the clear suggestibility of sterility in “gray and bare” (Merivale, 527). My theory upon it is neither in agreement nor disagreement with both schools of thoughts. My concepts about the poem are in a distinct perspective.

For me, Stevens is writing about life, life in terms of pregnancy, maternal, and paternal attachments, as well as the impact of a child, especially if the child’s life did not reach fruition in the womb. The placing of a jar in Tennessee can refer to the conceiving of a child in a woman. Evidence of this can be seen in the line of where exactly the jar was placed: ‘And round it was, upon a hill’, referencing to the form of pregnancy and how the effect of being pregnant, curves out a woman. The “I” in the first line states who exactly placed that jar, in my case, it would be the father, and his act of inseminating his wife.

The wilderness that was tamed by the jar can be that of the personality changed to the potential mother/father because of that future child. The wilderness might not be related to nature, but more of a wildness, the freedom that couples have, the time that allows the couple to attend parties, dances and the like, before having their life altered by a child.

The appearance of said child never comes to being in the poem, becoming dark with the lines of “the jar was a round upon a ground. My interpretation of this line is that of the child being stillborn or a miscarriage. The line and act of ‘taking dominion everywhere’ can be a description to how the loss of a baby can devastate the parents. The miscarriage/stillborn can be interpretive to the line of the jar being gray and bare. The final two lines can be interpretive to the fact that the womb did not birth a plant, or animal, did not bring life at all. The final line can be seen as how this experience to the “I”, the father,has seen nothing like it before, explaining the uniqueness of losing a child is different to every set of parents.


Merivale, Patricia. 'Wallace Stevens' "Jar": The Absurd Detritus of Romantic Myth'.College English, Vol. 26, No. 7, pp. 527-532.National Council of Teachers of English. April 1965.


--- and that cool cats & kittens is my viewpoint of it. Any proper online etiquette following commentary is welcome.

-Stephanie.

LISTENING TO: My Funny Valentine by Chet Baker

Being a twit.

Listening to: Please Mr. Postman (cover) by the Beatles.

No shame left in me. I have joined twitter O_o www.twitter.com/phloxipi

Or like my best friend twitted: "I have joined twitter because I lost control of my life". I feel the exact same way. Always ranting about how having a twitter, a myspace, a facebook, and more pages was just ridiculous, excessive, and just too much. ranted and roll my eyes, and now I have to swallow my words ._. I am officially a twit.

Summer 09

Summer 09.

Kicking off summer; intellectually!

Books I've read for Summer 09'

31 days to go till the Fall semester starts, I need to kick it up a notch and read more.

*list will be updated until the summer is over*

Started May 7th

The Promise by Chaim Potok

Addicted by Zane

The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

The Metamorphosis by Kafka

Frankenstein by Mary Shelly

The Things They Carried By Tim O'Brien

The Jungle by Upton Sinclair

Misery by Stephen King

Il Postino by Antonio Skarmeta

Dry by Austen Burroughs

One Fifth Avenue by Cadence Bushwell

Family Trust by Amanda Brown

Misery Moo by ??

Magic and Misery by Peter Marino

The Jane Austen Book Club by Karen Joy Fowler

Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones

Dead and Gone by Charlaine Harris

Crank by Ellen Hopkins

I, Robot by Issac Asimov

Cut, by Patricia McCormick

Alice's Neck by Barbara Novak

The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula Leguin

The Host by Stephenie Meyer

Castle in the Air by Diana Wynne Jones

The Moon is a Harsh Mistress by Robert A. Heinlein

Where the River Ends by Charles Martin

As I Lay Dying by Faulkner

Project Princess by Meg Cabot

The Namesake by Jhumpu Lahiri

Princess in Waiting by Meg Cabot

The White Tiger by Aravind Adiga

Princess in Training by Meg Cabot

Giants & Ogres; Enchanted World Series.



-
I'm keeping track on this because of the fact that I can't find my little black book, which is where my reading list was/is kept, hopefully I'll find it among my trinkets and be able to mark them off। It's MY note, for MY benefit, not anyone's else, but if you want to look at it, it's all good xD-That's आईटी। Summer was over for me Aug 24th, since that is the day that the new semester started. I still haven't found my black book so I can mark these books off >_> But my total summer reading count was 33. Not bad. I should start a fall blog to keep track of what I read for class.

Tomorrow is the first day of fall officially. still feel the same as I did when I first fell in love with reading: I want to read everything! Despite the full schedule, I can't get enough of books.