Today I found myself dreaming those dreams of old.
& I remember what it was like before when I would dream of my future. A cozy little home, my career, a little car, everything just for me because I didn't need no mansion because it would be just me. A garden. Wind chimes and a little seasonal flag in the front. Maybe a small cemented pond, if the climate was right. A house in a city I never lived before, and moving frequently, every few years. exploring the people of the country, and out of it.
But it was always me. Because I didn't expect anyone. Didn't expect a prince charming. Even in my dreams, when I would take off on vacation, it was just me and my books. Maybe a few friends along the way, but ultimately I was the one walking around the ruins of Rome and buying gelato off the street by myself.
I didn't need anyone, didn't dream of anyone, of finding that person just for me.
& this is how I ended up writing a nearly 400 page novel in under 2 years once I got serious about it.
It was because I depended on me and in my solitude I would be find happiness, content, and I found myself dreaming of that house, a place to call my own again. No relationship needed and I don't know whether that means I am jaded or just content and selfish enough for it to be just me once more.
& the dream of Cp has never changed at all, just strayed to the back of my mind.
It feels like I'm finally waking up, snapping out of it. I see what's vital to me, and now it's to hell with what everyone else thinks. Just like I used to be.
A few things have changed about my dream though, but mostly materialistic. There are things I would buy now that I would never before even hope to touch because I was afraid of my secret desire for it.
Also, I realized I wouldn't be that much of a loner as I used to dream of before. That instead of me coming home to my house, it might be me at home, cooking, and my friends dropping in at all hours just because they want to see me. & they know I'll feed them lol. & before when I thought I would move far far away from my family as I can, i realized I still want to do that, but for different reasons, before it was just to get away from them so I could have complete freedom and now it just so I can prove to myself I can live without them.
As well I could myself having affairs, & know now full well that guys ARE (very...yes I'm a vain whore) attracted to me, when before I thought that they would just overlook me because that's how it was. But I realized I could have as many as I want, really, it's about the confidence within me that draws them, that and I know not to hide beneath the baggy hoodies no more.
Funny how after all these years, I dream the same dreams, only with a bit modification, but that's okay. I hope I wouldn't be the same person I was so desperately that I both changed and didn't change completely.
I remember now, and I just hope I won't forget myself again.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I rarely say this *RANT*
This is stupid. like truly very stupid. I can't believe I actually grew insecure about myself because you didn't accept my friend request. & I Know you saw it. I Know you have 190 other friends, and the only reason you didn't accept it is not because your a hypocrite who is nice in person, actually went dancing with me, but now I realized the truth.
The only reason you went butting in and shuffling off is not because you wanted to, but because you're a selfish woman, and didn't want your precious nephew getting too closed to me.
Like if I could ever hurt him.
I should have realized this sooner. I would have never wanted to be your friend anyway. it wasn't like i was doing any harm, you have plenty of fake friends on your own and I hope they think you're worth nothing but your money. No but it took my mom, that the only reason you show interest in joining us, then making us leave early, THEN deciding for your nephew to just drop me off at home instead of dropping you off first, so that him and I could cruising (And no, he wasn't tired, and a guy smiling that way at me with his eyes would say (and I could have sworn he wink at me when he said crusing, but it was dark so I'm not sure) and he only took me home because you started in on "take me home, I'm tired", then you should have never butted in and gone out in the first place.
I didn't realized the type of person you were. & i didn't realized how stupid I was to care if you like who I was or not, and how insecure you made me feel for a bit when I realized you didn't accept my friend request.
Who did you think I was? Did you think I was a gold digger? Are you that much overprotective of your nephew/niece (and only them two, not your other two nieces who you don't hang out with because obviously they don't share the same interests that you do in high end fashions, or because they can't shuffle either, or is it much simpler in the fact that you don't feel the need to not make it obvious that you play favorites, and don't need to spend time with them because they don't fit the image of what a person should be like or look like, or ambitions, is it possible, gasp!, is it possible that you don't hang with them because they're obese, and gasp, you're not, you and your niece, and your nephew are the equivalent of a perfect size 6,7, 8 max. Listen bitch, just because they're obese doesn't mean their not people either >_>
Listen wench. I have never wanted to insult a person I hardly knew (except for numbers but that's different) so throughly. I see you on his update and I just want to spit at the floor, look at your photo, and say fuck you. FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.
I know myself and if you don't think I'm good enough for your nephew, for your niece, hell for yourself, I wasn't asking for your hand in marriage, just a freaking simple friend request, I only spent the whole day with you, and the evening, I thought you might actually give a flying fuck about staying connected, especially since you let it dropped that you traveled alot for work, and were here all the time for conventions and shit. And I am not a freaking gold digger, I'm not that pretty and if I was, I sure as hell wouldn't be studying to be a librarian. OR I wouldn't have been with my ex, who came from the slums, and is still there (& I know you'll stay there fucker!!!)
No wonder why I was so thrown off when your nephew stopped talking to me. He was texting me the whole morning and into the afternoon the day after, and he just stopped because of you. I could just hear you telling him not to think about that girl, that she only wants you for your money, that she's not interested in who you are. Bullshit. & she probably does it for every girl you might even have an inkling to like, no wonder you don't have a girlfriend, or your sister doesn't have a boyfriend either, and ha, big surprise, you bitch are alone, and you're old too. Ha.
BUT despite that, the thing that just makes me rage is how could you? How could you play favorites and show it so clearly? Sure you can't connect well with everyone, (apparently) but your other nieces? They all live in the same house, they all see when you come by to pick them up, and they see how you leave without them. & not just for the afternoon or special days, but every single week, twice a week at least, and not just to go out to eat but to freaking everywhere, travel the country, out of the country, Europe... How could you??? Your sister had more than two kids, bitch and no it's not due to age difference, because they're only a year younger than their siblings. Damn you for that. Sure you can't take them dancing, but movies? Everyone likes movies, I'm sure going out for ice cream won't hurt your precious bank account, it doesn't matter, even the damn park. Just make an effort, not for me, screw me, I wouldn't want so possessive of an aunt in my family anyway, but for them. You're hurting them because it's so obvious you prefer their siblings. You should just give them a chance, even if they are fat, you superficial bitch. It's your family, it's not even my family, and yet they consider me family because I gave them a chance, i talked to them more than "how you doing?" "fine" "Oh that's good, bye". they're amazing people. & you think I'm superficial. ha.
It's people like you that just fuels my anger into getting publish so I can shove it down your damn throat, idiot. & I just hope HOPE that you don't influence your nephew (because it's too late for your fav niece) into becoming just like you, old, bitter, and alone, because you thought everyone was out to get you and your damn money and screw you over. Not everyone is out to screw you over, but by thinking that, you actually drive the ones who aren't away. Whatever, you can float in your own stupidity and I hope you're happy with your bank account and that it loves you just as much as you love it because you don't have anyone else. cunt.
The only reason you went butting in and shuffling off is not because you wanted to, but because you're a selfish woman, and didn't want your precious nephew getting too closed to me.
Like if I could ever hurt him.
I should have realized this sooner. I would have never wanted to be your friend anyway. it wasn't like i was doing any harm, you have plenty of fake friends on your own and I hope they think you're worth nothing but your money. No but it took my mom, that the only reason you show interest in joining us, then making us leave early, THEN deciding for your nephew to just drop me off at home instead of dropping you off first, so that him and I could cruising (And no, he wasn't tired, and a guy smiling that way at me with his eyes would say (and I could have sworn he wink at me when he said crusing, but it was dark so I'm not sure) and he only took me home because you started in on "take me home, I'm tired", then you should have never butted in and gone out in the first place.
I didn't realized the type of person you were. & i didn't realized how stupid I was to care if you like who I was or not, and how insecure you made me feel for a bit when I realized you didn't accept my friend request.
Who did you think I was? Did you think I was a gold digger? Are you that much overprotective of your nephew/niece (and only them two, not your other two nieces who you don't hang out with because obviously they don't share the same interests that you do in high end fashions, or because they can't shuffle either, or is it much simpler in the fact that you don't feel the need to not make it obvious that you play favorites, and don't need to spend time with them because they don't fit the image of what a person should be like or look like, or ambitions, is it possible, gasp!, is it possible that you don't hang with them because they're obese, and gasp, you're not, you and your niece, and your nephew are the equivalent of a perfect size 6,7, 8 max. Listen bitch, just because they're obese doesn't mean their not people either >_>
Listen wench. I have never wanted to insult a person I hardly knew (except for numbers but that's different) so throughly. I see you on his update and I just want to spit at the floor, look at your photo, and say fuck you. FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.
I know myself and if you don't think I'm good enough for your nephew, for your niece, hell for yourself, I wasn't asking for your hand in marriage, just a freaking simple friend request, I only spent the whole day with you, and the evening, I thought you might actually give a flying fuck about staying connected, especially since you let it dropped that you traveled alot for work, and were here all the time for conventions and shit. And I am not a freaking gold digger, I'm not that pretty and if I was, I sure as hell wouldn't be studying to be a librarian. OR I wouldn't have been with my ex, who came from the slums, and is still there (& I know you'll stay there fucker!!!)
No wonder why I was so thrown off when your nephew stopped talking to me. He was texting me the whole morning and into the afternoon the day after, and he just stopped because of you. I could just hear you telling him not to think about that girl, that she only wants you for your money, that she's not interested in who you are. Bullshit. & she probably does it for every girl you might even have an inkling to like, no wonder you don't have a girlfriend, or your sister doesn't have a boyfriend either, and ha, big surprise, you bitch are alone, and you're old too. Ha.
BUT despite that, the thing that just makes me rage is how could you? How could you play favorites and show it so clearly? Sure you can't connect well with everyone, (apparently) but your other nieces? They all live in the same house, they all see when you come by to pick them up, and they see how you leave without them. & not just for the afternoon or special days, but every single week, twice a week at least, and not just to go out to eat but to freaking everywhere, travel the country, out of the country, Europe... How could you??? Your sister had more than two kids, bitch and no it's not due to age difference, because they're only a year younger than their siblings. Damn you for that. Sure you can't take them dancing, but movies? Everyone likes movies, I'm sure going out for ice cream won't hurt your precious bank account, it doesn't matter, even the damn park. Just make an effort, not for me, screw me, I wouldn't want so possessive of an aunt in my family anyway, but for them. You're hurting them because it's so obvious you prefer their siblings. You should just give them a chance, even if they are fat, you superficial bitch. It's your family, it's not even my family, and yet they consider me family because I gave them a chance, i talked to them more than "how you doing?" "fine" "Oh that's good, bye". they're amazing people. & you think I'm superficial. ha.
It's people like you that just fuels my anger into getting publish so I can shove it down your damn throat, idiot. & I just hope HOPE that you don't influence your nephew (because it's too late for your fav niece) into becoming just like you, old, bitter, and alone, because you thought everyone was out to get you and your damn money and screw you over. Not everyone is out to screw you over, but by thinking that, you actually drive the ones who aren't away. Whatever, you can float in your own stupidity and I hope you're happy with your bank account and that it loves you just as much as you love it because you don't have anyone else. cunt.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Pop damn
I'm trying. I really am.
I swear I am. With my whole heart to just forget. But I can't stop. I hate how I feel.
How stupid it is. How high schoolish. How it's that whole story of "he likes her, she doesn't, she likes someone else." and boo fucking hoo.
I said it so many times before. Just stop. Don't. Forget about guys, relationships. Concentrate on your writing. Don't let your writing go. Don't worry.
and what am I doing?
I can't sleep. And I would LOVE to tell you that it's because I'm typing away at my book, but it's not.
it's because someone is on my mind.
-_- fml.
I swear I am. With my whole heart to just forget. But I can't stop. I hate how I feel.
How stupid it is. How high schoolish. How it's that whole story of "he likes her, she doesn't, she likes someone else." and boo fucking hoo.
I said it so many times before. Just stop. Don't. Forget about guys, relationships. Concentrate on your writing. Don't let your writing go. Don't worry.
and what am I doing?
I can't sleep. And I would LOVE to tell you that it's because I'm typing away at my book, but it's not.
it's because someone is on my mind.
-_- fml.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
What's wrong with me???
Oh yeah I know what it is or rather whom.
-___- You know what? I don't even feel like blogging it out. I'm just going to go back to writing my book.
-___- You know what? I don't even feel like blogging it out. I'm just going to go back to writing my book.
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