Listen.

I forgot who I am.

Awake

His text hit me like a book to the head. It was a wake up call to my sleeping state.

He didn't say anything beyond YOU. Have got to stop sleeping at 3 am, and I know he meant it because he knows my schedule, and he knows how tired I am because of how much I work but but BUT I took it like a slap to the head. I am getting sloppy, and in my tight schedule, I can't afford fuckups.

No more sleeping at 3 am and if I do, it's because I finished everything or am working on my books.

No more sleeping at 3 am for other reasons, like staying up to talk to a guy I really like but won't tell.

Or staying up and talking bullshit with my friends.

No more 3 am.

No more fucking up.

I am cleaning up now.

and I have to go.

fuck that.

I'm back to being who I am :D

And who I will be.

Like I could get any worse.

I just wrote this ridiculously long, blowing off steam blog that included math, frustrations, and new selfish revelations, only to have the error message pop up after I pressed publish post button.

Thanks blogger for making my day so much better! *sacarm drips* Thank you for letting me realized how life can get so much better <_<

Pfft. I'm not rewriting it. it doesn't matter anymore because I don't give a fuck.

Just point me to the direction of the nearest stupidest, death wish I can do and let me go my way.

& Yes I am looking at you riders, who's going to take me doing 147 mph on the freeway with no gear on and just holding onto you for safety? :D


I should just let go.

Let me rephrase that.

I am okay. I don't give a fuck about guys anymore. Girls, I need to try that out but

what I hope, what I really hope. What my secret confessions are about, what I wish for

every time that I passed the railroad tracks or it's 11:11, all my desires and hopes

are for my family/friends to be happy. Their happiness. At times, it's the only thing

that keeps me going. I may be having the shittiest of days, the longest day, my heart

might be breaking all day at the sight of couples and guys who will never be mine,

walking on by, and yet it just takes one phone call. one text message. one IM. One

song sung together and suddenly I am on top of the world, and basking in their lovely

light. And I feel love and that all is right in the world because they're here, by my

side and I don't need anything else, and it gives me hope. They give me hope,they

keep me alive, and looking forward to everything, they make me want to stay.

Suddenly I have found my sweet escape. <3

. IDGAF.

Like the title says- I really don't give a fuck anymore.

And tonight was witness to that when I was driving.

There was a reason I always postpone learning to drive.

And that was because when I was 15. 16. 17. 18, I didn't trust myself not to kill myself with my car. Not to think in one suicidal moment to drive onto the freaking oncoming traffic or light post.

Well,I'm learning to drive. But the recklessness is still there.

Opps. Next time I'm not taking my mom. Sorry ma that I scared you. I forgot my mom is needed by my family still.

Dying hope.

dies.

Just kill my hope.

I'm a dreamer now and rather dream away my life than live in this life of no hope.

I will love him the only way I can and have been for years.

& damn be anyone who thinks I'm crazy for it.

This, the way I think of him and how I am not connected and still connected at the same time, it keeps me happy.

It keeps me from crying into my pillow. And damn be anyone who wants to take away that happiness.

Or the happiness of flying.

Damn it to hell, I am going to do whatever the fuck I want to do. No matter what anyone thinks.

And I start with dreaming of him and getting lost in my dreams. It's the only thing that keeps me going some days and I need it.