This feeling has got to stay.

Today, I ruled the world. I rocked my world. I really lived, and lived happily. Today has been one of the best days of late. Aside from all the shit, the stress, the finals, the responsibilities, it was about damn time I had such a radtastic day.

I talked to a librarian. I know where I'm going to do with my life now for damn sure, and no one is going to stop me. Librarians rule the world

I went on date, and even if he doesn't call me for another or just to hang out, doesn't have to be a date, it's alright because for me at least the date was wonderful. He said he thought it was going to be awkward and now I know. I know that I can move on, that I am date-able. That if I have any other dates, him or not, it will be not awkward, I'll be great because I will make it sweet, that's up to me. Why didn't I see that before?

Then I saw my best friend and his boyfriend, a closed friend of mine now, and we hung out. I know it wasn't much. We just watched a movie on his laptop, together but, but that was more than I could ever dream of doing back in high school. Awesome movie, awesome time, and it was beautiful to me because all was right in the world.

And then the wonderfully unimaginable happened. I came home to a letter he sent me. And he sent me a picture of him, reading a book, smiling at me. A letter, an old bookmarker, all signed. And I dare not dream beyond the fan and author relationship but this, it gives me hopes. It makes me happy. Over the moon, across the field home run, favorite song playing, just blissfully happy. I know I will have to get over my attachment of him one day when and if I ever settled down with another but for now. I'm just falling into it. He makes me happy, and like the song, if it's makes me happy, then it can't be that bad.

Mondays are my favorite days and always will be :) And today just took my breath away and let me lived. I didn't expect such a gift for a day when I woke up this morning. On Monday Morning <3

Now the only thing that'll complete it is to finish my homework with time to spare (HA!)

Hate hate hate this.

I hate it when emotions sneak up on me. I would absolutely be horrified if this happened anywhere when I was with someone/in public.

I was emailing a friend about Burned by Ellen Hopkins (Just a stunning book). As I was telling her, I remembered that I was reading that when he left me for her. And before I could even blink I was heaving sadness into my hands, cupping my face, my mouth so that no one could hear me.

hate hate hate. I was perfectly fine, happy that she emailed me and then bam, I'm trying to muffle my brief sobs. Why must I remember that? Why. I loved the book and looking back on it, I can remembered how I cling to it. to anything. I remembered how I cling because I couldn't get up. I couldn't do anything. I spent a week lying in bed, sleeping 16 hours a day, only getting up to eat food I didn't find taste. and when I went to the bathroom, it was only to dry heave over the toilet and vomit nothing but a clear white looking like water liquid, trying to vomit the distaste of the whole affair. It was ugly. very ugly. I worried everyone. I lost a lot of weight. I went down from a size 16 to a size 14 in two weeks because I didn't realized I was starving myself. I couldn't eat. I couldn't swallow, I would get nauseous if I ate anything heavier than a yogurt or a banana a day. Yeah that's what I was eating. One banana or one yogurt a day and some water. It was all I could stomach.

Stupid how one thing can bring you down. I clung to that book. I read burned and it took me the whole week, not because it's difficult. it's actually a very fast, very short read. But I've read Burned because I would be reading it and just glazed over whatever I read, I had to go back and concentrate on what I actually read because I didn't know what I read. Or then i would read something and I would have to put the book down because I couldn't go on.

I know if I read it again and I want to. I love Hopkins, it's only going to make me cry.

And I'm sick for still wanting him sometimes. He broke me and I want him back. So strong. so weak. too much. too little.

All I can do is write and wait. wait. wait. for the day that I might be okay, and find a man who will treat me like I am a flower and he is a bee and his world is me.

Where are you, I think I know who you are, prince charming with glasses, and always a good book in sack, prince charming with outdated slang, prince charming, king of the geeks. When are you? because you're not here on my time, with me, when you should be. But you still make me smile. he still holds the ability to make me laugh with his bad jokes and his geek boy manner and maybe that's why I cling to him, when I should just cut my losses and go. live. forget about relationships and just concentrate on reading and writing for the rest of my life. Sounds like a good enough plan to me.

Never fails.

There has never been a slump, a deep dark hole where I put myself into that the thought of books, of writing, of him can't get me out of it.

Tonight he wasn't much a part of it but my WIP was and I dove right into it and I forgot all about me, my stupid feelings, forgot who I was, forgot what my heart was breaking about, and my words, my plots, my characters just yelled for attention. Said get out of whatever stupid funk you're in, I need you. My book needs me, because there is no one else who can write it.

"And I don't mind waiting, if it takes a real long long time. And I don't mind wasting the best years of our lives."

Hiccup.

Hope hope hope hope hope HOPE H O P E hope hope hope HOPE HOPE HOPE hope hope hope H o P e hope hope hope hope hope hOpE hope hope hope faith. HOPE hope hope hope hope. Love.

Just the price I pay.

Love. I find it everywhere in my novels. Not one of my books has been outlined without it. And except for my work in progress, every book of mine has a happy ending planned. Hell, the WIP has a well off ending, but not a happy ending.

I keep thinking I will end up like Lautrec as he was portrayed in Moulin Rouge, saying that he only knows because he strives for it with his entire being. I keep seeing myself alone. I hate it that right now I'm not okay with that. Most of the time I am and look forward to a life lived selfishly. But other times I hate it, and I didn't realized how much I liked him till today. I walked away, and the hardest part is knowing that he isn't going to notice that I did, that I'm gone. I'm gone baby, and no one notices. I broke down for all of a minute, heaving, crying, wanting someone who just wants to hold me more than a minute, and for that entire minute my heart broke because I know who that someone could be and it looks so perfect and it will never be because he's not for me.

I'm afraid that the person who I delusion myself to be with is just a dream and I gave him my life without him knowing it and never will. Just blah blah blech.

I need to get rid of these feelings so I can be happy again. Is it bad that I still dream of the dreaded eX? I hate waking up with him on my mind because I know he can't be mind and i can't be his and just no. never ever again.

So many songs that just play over and over and over in my mind. the soundtracks of my life, lyrics just echoing the truth back at me. Who knew, cellophane boy, Mr. brightside, please play another love song, capturing moods, portions for foxes, why can't I.

I need sweet sweet alcohol. A cigarette. A self destructive outlet. Just something I can take so I can black out till my mood is better.

I need to write.

Falling...yes falling <3 di di di di.

I had an inspiration for a new idea for a book. & now I am falling in love with my own books again. I've been working on this outline since late last night. It's 6 pages long now and I'm working out the middle part of it. <3 Falling yes I am falling, and I keep dreaming about my books. Not that they will get publish, but about writing them. editing them. Just thinking about my characters. Choosing the right names, the right backgrounds, the right genres. I am passionate. I love my writing and ideas, and there is nothing more selfish than that. But there is nothing that gives me a sense of dreaming than this does.
I just want to write my character's names over and over, and I want all the world to see how I just am falling. Adding up, I have so much to do
1. Start Editing 1st book after finishing editing 2nd book.
2. Keep writing 3rd book, edit that too.
3. write 2nd installment to 1st book's trilogy.
4. developed outline for 4th book and edit second installment once it is written.
5. developed outline for 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th book.
6. O_O I should stop there before everything gets entangle. 8! whoa. I didn't realized I had that many books within me. O_O

Back to writing O_O.

Prophecy of the Sisters Contest!

Swag Bag! Book N' More Goodies! Woohoo!

Enter it here!

http://michellezinkbooks.wordpress.com/2009/11/14/happy-holiday-swag

:)