Truly Me.

It seems that every since I came back from Utah, something clicked.

I realized what I was doing. And more importantly what I wasn't doing.

It came to me that the person I wanted to be, that person I dream of so desperately when I was a teenager, when I was in middle school and found myself sitting by myself for lunch or even high school. I remember the first day, I didn't sit with anyone because of those people I did know, no one wanted to sit with me. And even back in middle school when I tried to join the "artsy" group table, the different kids, there was this one bitch who even asked me, was like I don't like you sitting here, you don't belong.

-_- I remember sitting along sometimes and thinking, this sucks but it's okay, they won't remember me anyway. It doesn't matter because one day they will wake up and find that they will have no friends or just fake friends. I won't be like that. I will care for my friends and have plenty of good times with them. I will actually go out to movies and to eat, and to their houses, and when I have my own place, I will throw little parties, social gatherings, where we would just sit and chat. (Even back then I couldn't picture myself owning a TV) Where we would eat food, and chat, and listen to music, and play silly games like charades (because I never thought of alcohol having the ability to exist in my life lol) Just talk about life, and go to art festivals and just be the social butterfly with a heart that I knew lived within myself.

I remember my other goals, sitting there alone, even when I had a book open in my life, I would see the image of who I had the potential I had to be walk by in the form of my daydreams.

I dream of all my potential and told myself one day I will be that beautifully happy intelligent woman who has taken her life and turn it into something meaningful. Something beautiful. Something real. Not a loser.

I realized that although I've accomplished many of my goals (Tall. Check. Beautiful. Check. Social Butterfly-still working my way there, mostly in the dating aspect but could be consider check, In-shape-just now started working on it and will continue to work on it till I have a body I am comfortable with, Independent-soon, grad school soon, licence's soon, books, halfway there. traveling-sortof check. All that I thought would make me into the happiest person I can be, the person I know I have the potential to be to live the best life I can. I wanted to be that person so bad & thought that by this time, my age, I would be complete in my dreams.

I'm not. In the bigger picture, I am. I am living a mostly happy existence that I would have never thought possible. But I have become lazy because of this happy existence.

I have conformed on a few of the goals that I shouldn't have. And when I returned from Utah, I realized that I don't have that much time before I become independent and I want to be truly me, the picture of me that I have in my mind by the time I am independent so that with my independence I will be the epitome of awesomeness that I owe to myself to be. I deserve to be happy. Truly happy, with myself, and my life. significant other or not, doesn't matter but I also need to discover the balance in dating.

I'm working on it. Everyday, little by little. I am working on the promises I made to myself. I have already accomplishment so much but I still have a way to go. And even if I had do done everything, I will never be complete. 'Never be complete.' I will always work on myself.

I love myself. It took me years to say that. But I realized that I do. I love who I am and I am happy with that. I just need to work on my life and my body shape to be healthy and be able to support another fantasy of mine but that's another story everyone but my family knows and it's staying that way.

I love myself and I will live my life to my happiest that I can, and work my way to the potential I have in myself. My daydreams will become my reality. All of them. Just a matter of time :D