I'm acting out against my own stupidity. About to make another mistake, one I will regret. Breaking another rule just because I developed a crush on the friend of my hookup and hating myself for it does not mean that I have to act out against it and find myself some even more extreme action to get my mind off it.
The extreme action: a married man. and he keeps talking to me.
I keep thinking of who am I becoming. Flirting with a married man. How stupid have I become and I just hate my ex for making me into this person. By making me feel so insecure about myself that I need to feel that I have to prove to myself that I can do this, can do that, prove that I can be anyone I want to be and have anyone I want, including married men and women.
Just because he left me for her. Just like the song, nothing can save me now.
and the only hope I had to redeem myself, I only fuck it up by hooking up with his friend. FML. the girlfriend was right, just like always. And I hate it.
I just hope that after I come out of this, by myself, that the people important to me will still be here, no matter how much I fuck up, or more precisecly who I fuck.
I don't need to be judged. I judge myself. i admit to my mistakes, harder on myself than the words of anyone else because it hurts. hurts knowing I might have blown my chance at something by burning through the game. The point of the game is no attachment, so how did I end up liking his friend. -_-
I'm just going to fade out into my books. Fini.
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It hurts ._.
ReplyDeleteAwww, hun! :[ ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteBy saying that he "made you into this person," you're validating him. You're giving him credit for something. That's the LAST thing a person like that deserves! Discredit his influence on your life! Live how YOU want to live! By trying to prove yourself, you continue to validate him.
And don't feel like you're any less of a person to be insecure, because everyone gets insecure. It's impossible to live without insecurity, because without it, you wouldn't be able to feel secure with those you love right now.
Anyway, I know this is a tough rut to be in, darling. But don't end up feeling like nothing can save you now, because in honesty, there's nothing to be saved from. You are where you are. You are doing what you are doing. Nothing is wrong or right; all of that is simply based upon social mores, which can only be credited to other, imperfect humans. Just be. Be that librarian you dream of being! :]
I really enjoy our friendship, and it hurts to see you hurting.
I am here for you. <3
Aww thank you! :D
ReplyDeleteLike Mikko says, it's always looks better in the morning and it does!
I'll just take it day by day.